Young Writers Society

Hello Kay, welcome to part II of today's attempt to review poems I enjoy~

Quick question: Is "intrusive thoughts" a thing? I've heard it used in a context about mental health before, and it sounded pretty similar. If that is a thing, very good subtlety.

This poem has an interesting double feeling to it, in that the imagery is very stressful and hectic, but the overall message is one of patience. This makes the dichotomy within the speaker's own mind very prominent. To bring your thoughts about structure in, I think it helps in this way. Because you take a breath at the end, it makes it obvious to the reader that these are two different takes (separating it out). This could theoretically be made more explicit, having a refrain throughout for example, but that might be a bit heavy handed.

Now that I think about it actually "compose" and "deposit" add to the idea of orderliness, which is obviously undermined by the fact that the speaker is too tired to sit up, and is in the midst of fever. This reinforces this idea of an inner conflict, which is the main thing I'm taking from the poem.

And I really like that as an idea to focus on. It's a really painful conflict to witness because your speaker clearly has a lot of external adversity, so it's upsetting that they are going through yet more conflict on the inside. Very poignant.

I'm sorry there's so little suggestion for what to change here, but hopefully I've managed to highlight enough specifics of what you've done well that this review is helpful.

Biscuits

Hello, Nikayla! Ruby here because I read your other poem "cerebrum" and wanted to know what your other poems were like.

So for this poem, I do have some criticism thought I did like it even though, again, I don't like free-verse. Your other poem seemed to flow better, which is probably because you got some practice in, and I think this was a little... I don't want to say choppy because that's not quite it, but kind of on that side of things.

i sit criss-cross applesauce,
unable to take myself seriously.
i bite back a laugh as i wonder
|what i'm doing wrong.

last time, i broke my cranium
on the concrete, but i guess
i haven't learned since then.
i want to make a breakthrough,
though these things take time,
i know.

Some questions for those who decide to review this poem--is the ending abrupt? Or, to be more specific, how effective is it?

Do you think that the structure is weak or strong?

Thanks!