i compose myself, left
filing a dispute with
the deep contemplations that haunt
and grease the gears and inner-workings
of this troubled mind.
i sit criss-cross applesauce,
unable to take myself seriously.
i bite back a laugh as i wonder
what i'm doing wrong.
i deposit myself on the hardwood floor
where dust has gathered, oh
how long it has been since
i last dived headfirst into
these intrusive thoughts?
last time, i broke my cranium
on the concrete, but i guess
i haven't learned since then.
i want to make a breakthrough,
though these things take time,
i know.
i lay down on the naked mattress,
no sheets, no pillows, no nothing,
too tired to sit any longer.
i stare vacantly at the ceiling tiles
until i finally drift into a feverish sleep.
these things take time, i know.
Author's Note: Some questions for those who decide to review this poem--is the ending abrupt? Or, to be more specific, how effective is it? Do you think that the structure is weak or strong? Thanks!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hello Kay, welcome to part II of today's attempt to review poems I enjoy~
Quick question: Is "intrusive thoughts" a thing? I've heard it used in a context about mental health before, and it sounded pretty similar. If that is a thing, very good subtlety.
This poem has an interesting double feeling to it, in that the imagery is very stressful and hectic, but the overall message is one of patience. This makes the dichotomy within the speaker's own mind very prominent. To bring your thoughts about structure in, I think it helps in this way. Because you take a breath at the end, it makes it obvious to the reader that these are two different takes (separating it out). This could theoretically be made more explicit, having a refrain throughout for example, but that might be a bit heavy handed.
Now that I think about it actually "compose" and "deposit" add to the idea of orderliness, which is obviously undermined by the fact that the speaker is too tired to sit up, and is in the midst of fever. This reinforces this idea of an inner conflict, which is the main thing I'm taking from the poem.
And I really like that as an idea to focus on. It's a really painful conflict to witness because your speaker clearly has a lot of external adversity, so it's upsetting that they are going through yet more conflict on the inside. Very poignant.
I'm sorry there's so little suggestion for what to change here, but hopefully I've managed to highlight enough specifics of what you've done well that this review is helpful.
Biscuits
oh, ps. I have no idea what the title means xD
Hello, Nikayla! Ruby here because I read your other poem "cerebrum" and wanted to know what your other poems were like.
So for this poem, I do have some criticism thought I did like it even though, again, I don't like free-verse. Your other poem seemed to flow better, which is probably because you got some practice in, and I think this was a little... I don't want to say choppy because that's not quite it, but kind of on that side of things.
Nothing wrong here really I was just wondering what the effect of "|" was supposed to be...
Okay, so this is the group of stanzas I was thinking of when I thought the poem was off. There are too many i's. They abrupt the flow because of the amount of subjects. You could maybe add an "and" or conjunction somewhere. I'm not sure. Also, the way you have the commas placed to that to it as well. "last time, " just doesn't seem to be the best way to start off the next group.
I actually liked the abrupt ending. Yes, it is abrupt, but I quite like it.
If you're talking about formatting I'd say it's good, but like I said earlier I thought some places were a little choppy.
You're welcome!
Anyway, overall it was good. I quite liked it so keep writing cause I'd like to read more from you!
~Ruby <3
Oops! That one line in the middle of there is not meant to be there. It's been fixed.