The sun has finally set.
Its warmth already missed,
By those who cherished it,
And those who loved it.
Its shadows are faded,
Lost in the impending darkness.
The only light has disappeared,
And leaves only fear of the unknown.
While we may run and hide,
Let it be known.
That the road ahead is bleak,
But that it was the eleventh hour,
That brought the sun to its highest peak.
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140,831 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I wonder if anyone else caught the Doctor Who reference?
.
That aside, beautiful. The rhythm was such that my eyes skated down the poem, and when I glanced up, I was like, "What'd I just read?" No one ever says it, but that's the mark of a beautiful rhythm. You've also established a flow; each line led to the next, broken after each significant thought, and yet their meanings fused.
Precocity in seventy-one words
If I were to locate one issue within this...the punctuation. Some sentences broke off too early:
That period should be exchanged for a comma. Trick's to read your poem like it's prose. I'd also recommend uncapitalizing the lines that don't begin a sentence, but that's a stylistic choice. It just erodes the enigmatic feel a little.
I do love, however, the inconsistent rhyming, and the fact that this was all one stanza. It helps maintain the reader's focus. I know you're not supposed to read stanza breaks like they're the end of a clause, but I do it anyway. Great that you've taken care of that. One more thing:
The beginning felt a bit broken. Not that the meanings were disconnected, but the repetition sliced up the flow, as opposed to promoting it. "Its warmth already missed" is also implied in the rest of the poem, so I'd recommend just omitting that.
Keep up the good work! Looking forward to hearing more from you!
Thanks. (Sheepishly admits this is a slight love poem to the Eleventh Doctor's era)
No problem!
I enjoyed reading this poem.
But If I had a suggestion it would be about losing the punctuation, like bumpeh said below. It somehow interrupted the flow while reading it. It wasn't really necessary. Unless you were going to make a staccato flow, but I think you weren't aiming for that.
But I really enjoyed reading this, really. The flow was good at the lines brought many emotions in it.
This poem is great, I'm going to favorite it.
Thanks!
This is Kman134 and I'm here to review your work. I can say that this poem is very epic and suspenseful, symbolizing the unknown that dwells within the darkness. As humans, we have an instinctual fear of the dark and this part of the poem, "The only light has disappeared,
And leaves only fear of the unknown." is the perfect example of it.
It's original and creative. This is by far the best poem I have ever read. I'm giving it two thumbs up.
Thanks!
Wow.
This poem is awesomely epic! The whole story it tells is something to marvel at. The language you used is quite impressive as well.
"But that it was the eleventh hour,
That brought the sun to its highest peak."
This was by far my favorite part of the poem. It's just so... surreal yet awe-inspiring at the same time. It really reminds me of a lyric from an old Jabbers song that went something like this: "Night has been conquered by morning." I don't know what it is, but I just really love things like that, and what you have here is perfect proof of that!
The flow of the poem was also quite good. Again, something I really liked about that last line was the rhyming aspect to it. And though the rest of the poem did not rhyme, it still had that poetic flow to it that I find a lot of poems lack. What you have done with the language and flow of the poem only adds to the surreal aspect of it.
In conclusion, I'd call this poem perfect. Everything about it is wonderful. What's cool too is that you're only twelve and you're already this skilled at poetry. That right there is impressive in it's own right! Outstanding job on the poem!
~Cirute
Wow. Thank you for your kind words, truly.
An interesting poem. One of my suggestions would be to lose the punctuation, in my opinion it sort of makes the writing more choppy, unless you're going for choppy. If the punctuation was taken out I feel it would read much more smoothly, which is what I'm assuming you're going for.
Each line is very moving, and the poem seems to express a range of emotions, starting with some kind of desolation, showing that those who cherished it(the sun) were happy when it was there. You also utilize a little epigram near the end that I like, about the road ahead being bleak.
Overall it seems a little rough, but I like your descriptions and your utilization of language.
i love this so much.
Thanks!