Snow Fright

I think you should keep writing, but my advice to you is not to make the plot tension so dramatic. You don't have to do something like you do at the end to capture the readers attention. Yes it is a ballsy move, but I think your writing will benefit from proper tense changes and working on nuances like the fact we assume these people to be above virgin age, that was distracting. Look to improve the overall prose and construction of your dialogue and structure. If you work on those things rather than trying to get shock value, your writing will vastly improve.

Thanks for sharing

Everyone's already nitpicked, so I think you need to work on your description. A lot of what you have here is very graphic. You'll actually find that a lot of people don't really enjoy reading scenes were everything is written in this way. Instead, try to give less detail and let the reader use their imagination in this scenario. Your words are the most effective when combined with the minds of your reader. Allow them to picture some of the things that are happening, rather than simply feeding them words.
Keep writing, and make sure to check your ratings!

Well everyone already said everything -__- Great :/ but this was graphic. Wow and I'm a little dissapointed at myself because I can't say much. What I will note on is that this is a little vague. I struggle with the same thing but yeah. You don't describe what this girl looks like or where she is and her age. Look it over and sadly, it's not so interesting. The last thing a novelist will like is for their novel to be boring so if you really want to continue this, don't give up. If not, then allright. Good luck and keep writing.

Thank you all for the advises. I will make it as best i can.
And i WILL change the rating lolz.

Hey, I'm here as requested.

Well, I could have said everything there is too. You know, nitpick and all, but I see the above readers have already done that.

Just keep in mind, you're first few sentences had no other puntuations other than a period. ThatMakesItFeelLikeItIsOneWordAndItIsSoAnnoying. So, break it up a little.

Also, your rating was E+. HOW is it an E+ ? I'm sorry if that's a little rude, but, the things you have in this are (excuse me) sick. So, they are atleast 16+ or 18+.

Your story is about a vampire. I would have said cliche, but I'm hoping its something new. Not about a shiny vampire who falls in love with a human, and not about a kid who turns into a vampire to save his friend and now has to live in his vampire world. That is done.

Now, your characters. How do they look? How does that guy look? All we know was that he had a wedding ring, and she had red curly hair. Then what? Don't leave it to the readers. Its good to play with our minds, make our imagination go wild a little, but don't give us a paper and tell us to draw the entire thing on our own.

When it came to the sex part, I'm glad you didn't make it so discriptive. I would have puked. But, a vampire sucking from there? You know, that spoils the vampire image. A vampire's traditions is to bite the neck. Sure, it gets old. New is always good. But new, can also be shitty and ruin the mood. (excuse me, again.)

Anyways, I'm done for now. And I'm begging you to change the rating! And I'm sorry if this was harsh/rude.

-JT

Brrr... Okay, here's my review as I requested.

I thought the story was good. Prologue's fine but I guess you've made a lot of GRAMMAR mistakes. Boy, this Prologue still gives me shivers because I'm not much into disgusting stuff but no issues.

The corrections:
First Paragraph:

Satana Hellstrom stood in the middle of the dance floor, dancing alone while moving her hips all over the place. Which is supposed to be- moving her hips all over the place while dancing and her red locks bouncing with every movement she makes. She likes dancing and being in front of so many people. It made her feel more alive than she felt.

It has been almost 2 weeks since she last had supposed to be- had last done this, and her body was becoming antsy. Al though she could live without doing this -it for a while, her body still needed it like a vampire needed blood.

"Hey, beautiful." said someone- someone said from behind her. She smiled before turning back to look at the guy.

He looked at about 25 years old. He also needed a good night sleep and that was exactly what she would help him with.

Giving him a flirty smile she said,-She said giving him a flirty smile, "Hey."

"Want to get a drink?" he asked.

"Sure."

Taking her hand, he led her to the bar. She could feel a ring around his felt hand. He was married.

"What would you like, beautiful?" he asked her.

"I'll take a Bloody Mary." She said towards the man behind the bar.

"Anything for you, lovely." he flirted with a small smile.

They drank and talked all night. He did not tell her he was married or anything. Why would he if his was looking for another women? She decided he'd be the one. He looked like he had been drinking the whole say and she just smiled at him.

"Maybe we could go somewhere else?" she asked shyly. She knew how well guys fell for that.

His grin was capacious.

"Sure, this way Ma' Lady." he said while taking her hand in his and walking towards the back of the night club.

They walked all the way to his mini-ban. She insisted that he would not mind doing it in the back of the van, but he would not and just said.

"A Lovely Lady like you deserves better than that."

They had lasted 10 minutes in the ban before they had finally found a motel. He decided to pay for everything and they were finally got to be alone in their apartment.

The apartment was beautiful considering that it was a motel. The tiles on the floor shined with the light. The walls were squeaky clean, and the bed was beautifully well made. He lead her to the bed and started to kiss her neck.

"This is my first time." she told him, not exactly lying.

"I promise I'll go slow." He said, with a huge smile although she could tell he did not mean that.

Without breaking away from her, he laid her on the bed and climbed on top of her. While kissing his entire body, he took her shoes off and threw them somewhere. She didn't know where to. Their clothes went by flying as they kissed. They had not yet started having sex though. Satana had other plans.

"I want to try something." she said, with a shy smile and a small blush on her cheeks.

He looked at her and frowned but then saw the blush on her cheeks and then laid back on the bed.

"Go ahead." he said, and she could tell that he was smiling.

Slowly she got off the bed and sat on the floor near his private area. She held it with her left hand and massaged his balls with her right. She smiled as he moaned and leaned her head closer to his crotch. She stoped massaging his balls, held his penis up high, and took a bite at his twin balls.

She loved the feel of the blood coming from him. It tasted sweet like chocolate, and smooth as butter. It took all of her will to stop and leave him alive. He tasted so good.

As she stood up and put on her clothes, she saw him twitching and shivering. His balls were scarlet red and with a little bit of blood on it. She walked over to where she licked the spilled blood from his balls, and bit her tongue letting a drop of her blood touch his balls. The bite closed fast as if she had never touched him, and his body stopped twitching.

She walked towards his head and whispered in his ear.

"Forget everything."

Hey, NightStorm. Here as requested.

So Confetti seemed to catch many of the errors and things I would have made a point to pointing out to you. There were many spelling errors, typos, and awkward sentences scattered throughout the piece. Which I think can be quite distracting and therefore detract from what's going on in your story. You don't want this, because anything good there may be about the piece becomes masked to the reader.

You should probably go through and make the corrections that were suggested to you in the review before mine. There were also a few extra things that weren't caught as far as errors, so I'd definitely take some time to sift through this with a fine tooth comb before focusing on improving whatever content that may need tweaking. And there is quite a bit that I would consider tweaking here.

For one, as was already mentioned, you could definitely use some serious sentence tweaking. There can definitely be a lot added and taken away. I assume this is a vampire tale of sorts? Due to the gory- slightly disturbing- ending. It seemed as if in the beginning the male character was the blood thirsty character, not the woman. The development of these two characters should be redefined and tweaked to make more sense in the situation. The girl character is a bit promiscuous the way you made her seem in the beginning. Then you make her seem a little more naive. It's a little too misleading. Straighten out her character so she fits to the certain mold you want her to. Otherwise the reader is confused.

Another thing I finally wanted to make a point to bring up was the ending. It was very abruptly... gruesome. I think you could have done this a bit more tastefully to be honest. Not many who read this story from the beginning will expect something like what you described to happen. As was apparent when Confetti pointed it out, it was just a bit awkward to read. Therefore it doesn't seem fitting. I would nix it entirely and start over to be honest. The writing was very rough and crude. Try being more subtle. Don't go into detail about a what would be explicit scene. And if this girl character is going to bite him, let her do it somewhere appropriate. Like the chest or neck.

Anyway, I'm glad you requested a review. I'm always glad to help out another writer with my honest thoughts and opinions. I hope you'll take into account the feedback you were given in both reviews. I think it would greatly improve what you have here.

-Smylin'

thanks.
lolz

Satana Hellstrom stood in the middle of the dance floor, dancing alone while moving her hips all over the place. Her red locks bounced with every movement she made. She was actually having fun. She liked dancing and being in front of so many people. It made her feel more alive than she felt. What? I feel like you didn't finished this sentence. 'It made her feel more alive than she had felt in a long time.' Was that what you were going for?

It had been almost two weeks since she last had (switch these)danced, and her body was becoming antsy. Although thought she could live without doing this for a while, her body still needed it, (remove comma) like a vampire needed blood.

"Hey beautiful(comma)" someone said from behind her. She smiled before turning back to look at a guy.

He looked at about 25 years old. He also needed a good night's sleep, and that was exactly what she would help him with.

Witha flirty smile, she said, "Hey."

"Want to get a drink?" he asked.

"Sure."

Taking her hand, he led her to the bar. She could feel a ring aroung his felt hand. He was married. Quick to assume, isn't she?

"What would you like, beautiful?" he asked her.

"I'll take a Bloody Mary," she said tothe man behind the bar.
Here she is talking to the man behind the bar, but then the man who is buying her a drink replies. This is a tad confusing. At first I thought that it was the bartender replying, but now I'm not so sure.

"Anything for you, lovely," he flirted with a small smile.

They drank and talked all night. He did not tell her he was married or anything. This sentence is incredibly awkward. It sounds a bit like a child's point of view. Why would he if his looking for another women? She decided he'd be the one. The one? The ONE? As in, the one she'll spend the rest of her life with? Isn't this a little fast, especially if she's pretty sure he's married? He looked like he had been drinking the whole say and she just smiled at him. This sentence makes little sense.

"Maybe we could go somewhere?" she asked shyly. She knew how well guys fell for that.

Hes grin was capacious.

"Sure, this way ma' lady," he said I'm guessing you meant that he said this. I don't see why she would answer her own question and call him 'ma lady'. while taking her hand in his and walking towards the back of the night club.

They walked all the way to his mini-ban. A mini-ban, really? I'm sure you meant minivan. You should really proofread your work before you post it, this is a mistake that's easily seen at a first glance. She insisted that he would not mind doing it in the back of the van, but he would not and just said, "A lovely lady (I don't know why you are capitalizing lovely lady, I really don't) like you deserves better than that." (this should not be it's own paragraph)

They had lasted 10 minutes in the ban (Ban... seriously. Is this the actual name of his car, or do you have a habit of pressing b instead of v?) before they had finally found a motel. He decided to pay for everything and they were finally alone in their apartment.

The apartment was beautiful, considering that it was a motel. (this line doesn't sit right with me. If it's an apartment, it's not a motel. If it's a motel, it's not an apartment.)The tiles on the floor shined with the light, the walls were squeaky clean, and the bed was beautifully well (I would suggest picking one or the other: 'beautiful or well made') made. He lead her to teh the (Again with the typos, a quick read would fix these and make your story much more appealing) bed and started to kiss her neck.

"This is my first time," she told him, not exactly lying. (This was a surprise to me. You portray her as, erm, slightly promiscuous, and you make it seem like she's done this many times before. Also, how is she 'not exactly lying'. Has she done it before or not?)

"I promise I'll (capital I) go slow," he said, with a huge smile, although she could tell he did not mean it.

Without breaking away from her, he laid her on the bed and climbed on top of her. While kissing his entire body, (He kissed his own body? I believe you meant to say 'her entire body') he took her shoes off and threw them somewhere (Somewhere is not a place, the floor is a place.). She didn't know where to. Their clothes went by flying (<-switch these two words) as they kissed. They had not yet started having sex though. Satana had other plans.

"I want to try something," she said, with Typos, typos...a shy smile and a small blush on her cheeks.

He looked at her and frowned, but then saw the blush on her cheeks and laid back on the bed.

"Go ahead," he said, and she could tell he was smiling.

Slowly, she got off the bed and sat on the floor near his private area. (Oh good lord, I feel awkward reading this, when I started to review, I didn't think there would be sex scenes) She held it with her left hand and massaged his balls with her right. She smiled as he moaned and leaned her head closer to his crotch. She stoped massaging his balls, held his penis up high, and took a bite at his twin balls. ( O.o)

She loved the feel of the blood coming from him. It tasted sweet like chocolate, and smooth as butter. It took all of her will to stop and leave him alive. He tasted so good.

As she stood up and put on her clothes she saw him twitching and shivering. He's balls were scarlet red and with a little bit of blood on them. She walked over to him, licked the spilled blood from his balls, and bit her tongue, letting a drop of her blood touch his balls. The bite closed fast as if she had never touched him, and his body stopped twitching.

She walked towards his head and whispered in his ear.

"Forget everything."