Night had had his eye on the couple for a while now. He’d followed them for ten minutes already as they strolled along the trail, holding hands. Disgusting. Young love was a tragic thing. The way that tall, blond teenage boy stared dreamily up at the dark-haired girl, and how she stared merrily back. They didn’t even match that well. He was too skinny and short, she too tall and slightly overweight.
Still, it wasn’t his place to judge. The only thing he was in love with at the moment was the small, blue shoulder bag the girl had slung over her shoulder. Somewhere in there was a wallet, and in that wallet was money.
Stealing had been Night’s number one hobby since he was eleven. His parents had perished in a car accident when he was five. Nowadays, he could barely even remember his mother’s face, let alone his dad’s. After living six years as an orphan at an orphanage, he’d finally had enough and easily made his escape. Night doubted the adults at the orphanage even cared. He was never a favorite anyway.
The boy turned and looked over his shoulder. Night quickly looked away and pretended to admire the lake the trail surrounded. That lake, Night knew, was called Stow Lake and the island in the middle was Strawberry Hill. He’d been there a couple of times, but quickly found it boring and tiring to climb. Glancing out of the corner of his eye, he watched the couple continue to stroll until he was sure it was safe to follow again.
Night breathed in the fresh scent of water and cool air as he tracked the two teenagers. A cold breeze pierced through his thin black jacket, but he didn’t mind. He was used to it by now. He never could get his hands on anything warmer. He’d had to kick someone between the legs to wrestle this jacket out of their hands and he didn’t want to have to do it again.
Mallards quacked as they swam in the lake. The couple kept walking. They reached one of the two bridges that led to Strawberry Hill and crossed it. Night waited until they were on the other side before he followed across too.
That was probably the first mistake that couple made. Strawberry Hill didn’t have as many hikers as the trail looping around Stow Lake. Climbing Strawberry Hill was their second mistake. There weren’t that many climbers either. Night trudged after them, keeping his distance but keeping them in sight. He glanced over his shoulder. No one else was around.
Night quickened his pace. He began to jog up the hill, though that was a serious pain in the thighs. He veered onto the girl’s side. She was lagging behind due to her extra weight and the boy was already a couple of paces in front of her. As he jogged closer, he could hear her heavy breathing as she hoisted one leg in front of the other. He eyed the boy. He was now just a small figure at the head of the trail where the path curved around the hill. Night judged he would be too far away to be of much help.
He was now a few feet behind her. She still hadn’t noticed him yet, to busy trying uselessly to keep up with her boyfriend. Night closed the distance.
At that moment, the boy turned to call to the girl. The girl looked up from her feet. And Night had his fingers curled around the bag.
End of chapter
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140,766 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Here's a review
I liked how you slowly built tension and left the reader wanting more. I enjoyed reading this and wouldn't mind more.
AnnMath
Here's a review
I liked how you slowly built tension and left the reader wanting more. I enjoyed reading this and wouldn't mind more.
AnnMath
HEELLO everybody
Thanks for all y'all's comments! I'm glad you like the story so far. I'll think about your suggestions!
"Night" is a name that kept repeating in my mind when I was planning this story. It just wouldn't go away. I couldn't think of anything else while the word "Night" kept repeating in my head.
And yes it is a nickname. You'll figure out why in the later chapters.
Thank you again,
Night Kaizer
Hello! Here to review.
First of all, Night is an unusual name. Is it a nickname of his? If so, it has intrigued me as to where it came from. But at the same time... I think the name could get confusing. I was already mixing up his name and actual Night when I was reading this. Just something to think about.
Now, onto his backstory... I don't think it's necessary to put that in right at the start. We know he is a pessimistic, apathetic character but we don't need to know why he is like that right from the get-go. Leave your readers guessing. Give them little droplets of information. This chapter is very short and we already know a lot of your characters story which makes me think that he is very two dimensional, right now he doesn't seem to have substance. There would be a bigger impact if, maybe, in a chapter after this he goes back to wherever he lives and maybe thinks about his parents. You don't need to tell the readers they're dead, just show Night's feelings towards them. Does he miss them? Has he hardened himself so much that he refuses to acknowledge he misses them? Does he hate them for leaving him to face the world alone? You could hint they are gone, but it would leave the readers wondering if he ran away from home, if they kicked him out because of his bad behaviour, are they dead? Don't spoon feed your readers.
'He’d had to kick someone between the legs to wrestle this jacket out of their hands and he didn’t want to have to do it again.' - why didn't he want to do it again? Did he not like hurting the guy? Because that seems odd seeing as he clearly doesn't care about people's feelings if he is stealing their things.
I hope my points are useful to you
Hey Hey Night!
How are you? Ready for a review?
ohhhhh I like this! I like this a lot. The second I saw the tittle I was like "YEPPP, that's mine". So that's the story of how I came here to review...
"Disgusting. Young love was a tragic thing" is a great way to start. It sets off the character, his pessimistic way of life, even though it's not cringy and sticking it in our noses. Also, it sounds awesome!
"Stealing had been Night’s number one hobby since he was eleven. His parents had perished in a car accident when he was five. Nowadays, he could barely even remember his mother’s face, let alone his dad’s. After living six years as an orphan at an orphanage, he’d finally had enough and easily made his escape. Night doubted the adults at the orphanage even cared. He was never a favorite anyway" This is backstory stuffed in one paragraph. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but why tell us like this, why not give us flashbacks? A pity conversation of other characters? Instead of telling us straight away, let us guess what makes Night tick. Let us wonder, keep us on our toes, make us beg to know what happened to our villain to make him so bitter! You are obviously a great writer, so this won't be hard.
"At that moment, the boy turned to call to the girl. The girl looked up from her feet. And Night had his fingers curled around the bag." This is a perfect way to end it, a cliffhanger, a does he steal it or does it go horribly wrong? There's a book called "Six of Crows" which reminds me of this, maybe read it for research? just an idea.
Anyway, this is AMAZING. please tell me if you write another chapter and I would love to read it!
Love,
Lau
Hey Hey Night!
How are you? Ready for a review?
ohhhhh I like this! I like this a lot. The second I saw the tittle I was like "YEPPP, that's mine". So that's the story of how I came here to review...
"Disgusting. Young love was a tragic thing" is a great way to start. It sets off the character, his pessimistic way of life, even though it's not cringy and sticking it in our noses. Also, it sounds awesome!
"Stealing had been Night’s number one hobby since he was eleven. His parents had perished in a car accident when he was five. Nowadays, he could barely even remember his mother’s face, let alone his dad’s. After living six years as an orphan at an orphanage, he’d finally had enough and easily made his escape. Night doubted the adults at the orphanage even cared. He was never a favorite anyway" This is backstory stuffed in one paragraph. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but why tell us like this, why not give us flashbacks? A pity conversation of other characters? Instead of telling us straight away, let us guess what makes Night tick. Let us wonder, keep us on our toes, make us beg to know what happened to our villain to make him so bitter! You are obviously a great writer, so this won't be hard.
"At that moment, the boy turned to call to the girl. The girl looked up from her feet. And Night had his fingers curled around the bag." This is a perfect way to end it, a cliffhanger, a does he steal it or does it go horribly wrong? There's a book called "Six of Crows" which reminds me of this, maybe read it for research? just an idea.
Anyway, this is AMAZING. please tell me if you write another chapter and I would love to read it!
Love,
Lau
Hey! Mr Muddy Pig trying to earn a few points here!
I'm going to copy/paste some of your sentences, correct some of them and ask questions.
1.He was too skinny and short, she too tall and slightly overweight.
Try not to use -too- when describing, too doesn't visually describe something.
she too tall is an obvious typo, I've done hundreds of typos.
2.Somewhere in there was a wallet, and in that wallet was money.
I imagined i was watching a movie, and then the camera zoomed on her bag, then on her wallet, and then on a couple of Ben Franklin bucks.
3.Night quickly looked away and pretended to admire the lake the trail surrounded.
Can't tell if night is one of the character's name or if you mean night like the opposite of day.
What do you mean?
4.Mallards quacked as they swam in the lake.
Unless if you're writing a science essay or a non-fiction book, don't use species' names.Just say -duck- instead.
5. He was now a few feet behind her.
.
This sentence makes no sense but i get why you made it like that. I'm going to revise it.
5.(Revised!) He was right behind her, to the point that not even a pencil could have fitted in the space between their heads.
That revise took me a while, A+ for effort?
Anyway, this was pretty good! Keep writing!
-Mr Muddy Pig
Just noticed this is your first day here. Welcome