Young Writers Society

Hi! Silverberry here for a review! Your poem is written really well and your rhymes didn't feel forced to me, so good job! You have a lot of contradicting lines, which was an interesting way to portray your meaning, but I really liked it. There are some things that you can fix however.

First of all, I think you need to be a little more clear about the character's feelings, for you seem to have the same contradiction throughout the whole poem until the end, when the main character reveals that she feels that she is below the dead character. This meaning was shown very well with your heaven and hell metaphor, but I think you should have more buildup through the middle of the poem so that your reader can slowly find out more about the main character.

When it comes to flow and rhythm there was really only one thing I noticed.

When she laughed and danced with all her joy,
The stars fell from the night.
When she cried and became just a toy,
I smiled and told her why.

The line about crying and the toy sounded a little off or awkward probably because the word "became". This being said I love the line about stars falling from the night, though it confused me just a little.

Overall some of your metaphors were a little vague, for example

but if she send me letters falling from the sky, I will have to give them back, with signature in cursive"

I'd suggest more explanation on what you are illuding to and why the character is feeling that way just to give the poem some more clarity and add more emotion. This said, I think you did a wonderful job and it was good if you to include rhyme for it made your poem more unique. I hope I helped a little and keep writing!

Hi there NightKaizer! Niteowl here to review this poem.

This poem seems to be about a speaker who has very conflicted feelings for this person. When she's around and caring about the speaker, the speaker is cruel and doesn't care. When she's gone or treats him badly, the speaker suddenly cares for her more. The ending is a little unclear to me but it seems to mean that when she's around, the speaker feels like they are beneath her and are therefore stuck in Hell. The rhyming works for the most part, and there's some interesting images.

When she died, I felt no sadness.

When she lived, I held the pain.

"I held the pain" is a really odd expression. I would think about what you mean by this phrase and reword. Is it "I held in the pain" (feeling pain but not showing it)? Or maybe "I felt no pain". Maybe it's "I took the pain" (she caused him pain but he's putting up with it). There's several possibilities, so think about which one conveys your meaning the best.

If you see her walking on the streets,

Tell her I hated her so.

I feel like "hate" should be present tense here to match the rest of the poem.

When she laughed and danced with all her joy,

The stars fell from the night.

When she cried and became just a toy,

I smiled and told her why.

This part is confusing to me. The joy/toy lines feel like they're convoluted for the sake of the rhyme scheme. I don't really know what it's supposed to mean.

If she sends me letters through the mail,

I’ll rip them and burn them black.

But if she sends me letters falling from the sky,

The meter here is a little off. The last line is just a smidge too long. I would replace with "But if she sends them from the sky" or maybe "But if they fall down from the sky" if you want to keep falling in there.

Overall, I liked the conflicting feelings and imagery in this piece. Keep writing!

Wow, that end was not what I expected... but I like it. This is Grace here to review!

So first of all, there is the matter of capitalization. I used to capitalize every line, as you have done here, but apparently that's frowned upon within poetry circles. I guess I can kind of see why. Maybe you could try capitalizing by sentence so the flow of the poem stays consistant. Does that make sense?

If she sends me letters through the mail,

I’ll rip them and burn them black.

But if she sends me letters falling from the sky,

I will have to give them back,

I love this part, but with the rest of the poetic language in this poem, give seems like a very plain word to use. Also, the way this flows into the next bit ("with a signature in cursive") seems very awkward. I want to pause in between the two lines, because you're about to begin a new set of rhymes, butthe sentence hasn't ended, so that feels wrong. I don't know if this makes any sense... but it did in my head.

That's about it! I liked your poem a lot!