Young Writers Society

Hi Nicole136,

Mailice here with a short review!

This is a story whose message has somehow gone in a different direction than I originally expected. I like that you stand out a bit from other writers. It's a very nice story and I like that it moves at a fast pace. We learn quite quickly what Rellisa's purpose is and where she wants to go and also that she has a dream. She seems to be a bit resistant to her mother and doesn't want to understand what it means to be a dragon and yet she wants to change something about herself. I like this process that you show here. You're not just highlighting the kind of "petulance", but also the attempt to build understanding. A very beautiful example.

However, while reading, I also noticed that you still sometimes make some mistakes in terms of punctuation or capitalisation. However, I think that these small mistakes will quickly disappear if you read over them again before publishing a story. It's best to do this a while after you've finished writing so that you can distract yourself with something else, otherwise you'll still have the story in your head.

In summary, it was a very beautiful and great story. I liked it from beginning to end.

Other points I noticed while reading:

Rellisa snuck along the dark passage, Her claws scraping against the stone.

” it’s not like a normal dragon to be afraid.”

And even Rellissas darkvision

she ran until she saw a faint light.

"The better question is, why are you here. Her mother asked

Good morning, or afternoon, or evening, pending your time zone (I should really start just saying "Good day"). I'm here to leave a review for you!

Start:

This had a very strong start. Your first paragraph hooked me immediately. I found myself at the edge of my seat as you had Rellisa wandering down a dark maze.

I also liked how you provided what the story was going to be about, by saying

"All Rellisa wanted to be was an artist, but, as her family had told her many times "dragons don't do art."

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this was a really interesting piece here, I was a bit disappointed by the lack of actual art going on here , but the story itself was a pretty good read here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Rellisa snuck along the dark passage, Her claws scraping against the stone. Even she could barely see into the dark cave. She continued walking the dark corridors, with so many twists and turns she was afraid she would never find her way back.

She could almost hear her mother now, ” it’s not like a normal dragon to be afraid.” she would scold. “But I don’t want to be like a normal dragon” Rellissa would mutter under her breath. All Rellisa wanted to be was an artist, but, as her family had told her many times “dragons don’t make art”.

She heard a growl come from the darkness. Rellisa hoped that the legends weren't true. I have to do this. she thought to herself. It’s the only way.

I hate the dark. She thought as she traversed the twisted hallways. I prefer the light, where I can see the art I make. I’d give anything just to go back to the light and paint or sculpt or do anything but be in this dark cave.

Suddenly it got completely dark. And even Rellissas darkvision eyes couldn’t see a thing.

She carefully stepped forward, sliding her claws in front of her. It was a horrible sound that made her head hurt, but it was necessary. Her heart was pounding, and her breathing was rough. Despite what her mother had said, she was scared. I took all of her courage just to take each step. She heard the growling again, and it was enough to send her running.

she ran until she saw a faint light. Although, after all that time in the darkness, it seemed as bright as the sun. she was so anxious to see light again, she ran straight toward the faint glow without thinking.

she reached the room with the light. she paused in the doorway, there it is, she thought. what she had traveled all this way to find, the arc of flame. the gold carving looked so real. its glow was magical and almost had a pull coming from it. Rellisa ran right to it.

suddenly she felt something jump on her back. she rolled away and turned around.

"Mother?" she said.

''yessss" the new dragon hissed

"Why are you here?'' asked Rellisa.

"The better question is, why are you here. Her mother asked

"Why aren't you at your painting. that's all you do when you should be hunting or training. I know why you're here, you think this will save you, make me see you differently. you can trust me, IT WON'T!" she lept forward and jumped on her daughter's back.

Rellisa struggled under her mother's weight. But her mother was wrong, she had learned from her journey, she was stronger now. She clawed at her mother's face and left a deep gash. Her mother screamed, jumped off Rellisas back, and held a claw to her face. Rellisa used that time to grab the the arc of flame and ran down the corridors. Rellisa didn’t know what would happen, but she knew she would never see her home again.

hey loved reading this always happy to see things about dragons!
I love your characters name by the way.
the message you put in this is something lots of people try and fail to do but you have done it in a way I have never seen and you did it very very well. Besides that you did it with dragons!
One thing I would suggest is that you add a bit more detail in the fighting part. I would suggest sensory details or description or both, its up to you though you could probably add just about anything.
keep writing! great work!

as always,
Beware the trees

hey loved reading this always happy to see things about dragons!
I love your characters name by the way.
the message you put in this is something lots of people try and fail to do but you have done it in a way I have never seen and you did it very very well. Besides that you did it with dragons!
One thing I would suggest is that you add a bit more detail in the fighting part. I would suggest sensory details or description or both, its up to you though you could probably add just about anything.
keep writing! great work!

as always,
Beware the trees

Hello hello.

So first things first, the beginning is rather abrupt. I would've preferred a bit of backstory to our main character somewhere in the text, especially for this being a fantasy story. After reading this to completion, it honestly feels more like a chapter than a short story for that exact reason - and knowing that, detail is honestly going to be the key when writing shorts for that reason and just for it to be cohesive together.

Here's an example of what I mean:

“dragons don’t make art”.

And even Rellissas darkvision eyes couldn’t see a thing.

Hey Nicole, Alice here to give a review!

MY THOUGHTS

So it was my first time reading one of your work and it was such a amazing story with a clear and beautiful plot. Hmm yeah, it's always as if it is more important to follow culture and tradition, than to live freely doing what we love. You were able to express this point of view so simply and clearly using a fiction story with dragons, great!

Well XD it was my first time reading something like this, with a dragon loving art. It was a fun story and it was well written, the lines were well structured and the fluency was smooth and expressive.

TINY-MINY NITPICKS

Her mother screamed, jumped of Rellisas back

"the better question is, why are you here. Her mother asked

Hello there! Ell here with a review!

Okay, let's get into it! Right off the bat, this seems like a rather bittersweet story about the struggle of choosing between what makes us truly happy, and continuing with tradition. A sentiment I think we can all understand.

Rellisa snuck along the dark passage, Her claws scraping against the stone.

Even she could barely see into the dark cave.

She could almost hear her mother now” it’s not like a normal dragon to be afraid.” she would scold.

She heard a growl come from the darkness. Rellisa hoped that the legends weren't true. I have to do this. she thought to herself. It’s the only way.

And even Rellissas darkvision eyes couldn’t see a thing.

what she had traveled all this way to find, the arc of flame.

"Mother?" she said.

''yessss" the new dragon hissed

I know why you're here, you think this will save you, make me see you differently.