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dragon art

by Nicole136


Rellisa snuck along the dark passage, Her claws scraping against the stone. Even she could barely see into the dark cave. She continued walking the dark corridors, with so many twists and turns she was afraid she would never find her way back.

She could almost hear her mother now, ” it’s not like a normal dragon to be afraid.” she would scold. “But I don’t want to be like a normal dragon” Rellissa would mutter under her breath. All Rellisa wanted to be was an artist, but, as her family had told her many times “dragons don’t make art”.

She heard a growl come from the darkness. Rellisa hoped that the legends weren't true. I have to do this. she thought to herself. It’s the only way.

I hate the dark. She thought as she traversed the twisted hallways. I prefer the light, where I can see the art I make. I’d give anything just to go back to the light and paint or sculpt or do anything but be in this dark cave.

Suddenly it got completely dark. And even Rellissas darkvision eyes couldn’t see a thing.

She carefully stepped forward, sliding her claws in front of her. It was a horrible sound that made her head hurt, but it was necessary. Her heart was pounding, and her breathing was rough. Despite what her mother had said, she was scared. I took all of her courage just to take each step. She heard the growling again, and it was enough to send her running.

she ran until she saw a faint light. Although, after all that time in the darkness, it seemed as bright as the sun. she was so anxious to see light again, she ran straight toward the faint glow without thinking.

she reached the room with the light. she paused in the doorway, there it is, she thought. what she had traveled all this way to find, the arc of flame. the gold carving looked so real. its glow was magical and almost had a pull coming from it. Rellisa ran right to it.

suddenly she felt something jump on her back. she rolled away and turned around.

"Mother?" she said.

''yessss" the new dragon hissed

"Why are you here?'' asked Rellisa.

"The better question is, why are you here. Her mother asked

"Why aren't you at your painting. that's all you do when you should be hunting or training. I know why you're here, you think this will save you, make me see you differently. you can trust me, IT WON'T!" she lept forward and jumped on her daughter's back.

Rellisa struggled under her mother's weight. But her mother was wrong, she had learned from her journey, she was stronger now. She clawed at her mother's face and left a deep gash. Her mother screamed, jumped off Rellisas back, and held a claw to her face. Rellisa used that time to grab the the arc of flame and ran down the corridors. Rellisa didn’t know what would happen, but she knew she would never see her home again.


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Tue Sep 14, 2021 8:23 pm
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ThikiNiki wrote a review...



Good morning, or afternoon, or evening, pending your time zone (I should really start just saying "Good day"). I'm here to leave a review for you!

Start:

This had a very strong start. Your first paragraph hooked me immediately. I found myself at the edge of my seat as you had Rellisa wandering down a dark maze.

I also liked how you provided what the story was going to be about, by saying

"All Rellisa wanted to be was an artist, but, as her family had told her many times "dragons don't do art."


Body:

The body was just as exciting at first, but after a while I noticed some repetition as you described the dark tunnels that she was walking through. You did describe them well though!

End/Confrontation:

WOW! This was a wild twist. I did not expect the mother to be the villain, but you did such a good job of making it seem natural. Even as the mom jumped on Rellisa, I continued to be surprised as the younger dragon escaped with the arc of flame.

Grammar:

I didn't notice much for grammar, but I would recommend going back through and making sure the beginnings of every sentence are capitalized. Another thing to check is the name of the arc of flame. I would capitalize it, as it is the name of an artifact, but you're the author - it's totally up to you :)

The last thing I would do is run it through a spellcheck. I didn't notice many typos, and the ones I did are easy to miss, but it's always a good thing to do.

I hope you have a great day!
ThikiNiki




Nicole136 says...


thanks so much for your review!
I see what you mean about talking about the dark tunnels too much. I'll try to take a bit of that out.

thanks for your time!



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Mon Sep 06, 2021 6:44 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this was a really interesting piece here, I was a bit disappointed by the lack of actual art going on here ;) , but the story itself was a pretty good read here. :D

Anyway let's get right to it,

Rellisa snuck along the dark passage, Her claws scraping against the stone. Even she could barely see into the dark cave. She continued walking the dark corridors, with so many twists and turns she was afraid she would never find her way back.

She could almost hear her mother now, ” it’s not like a normal dragon to be afraid.” she would scold. “But I don’t want to be like a normal dragon” Rellissa would mutter under her breath. All Rellisa wanted to be was an artist, but, as her family had told her many times “dragons don’t make art”.


ALright, well this is definitely very interesting right here....you get to see a dragon that's scared of the dark and just wants to be an artist....definitely not the kind of thing you usually imagine, but I love to see unique things like this soo...consider my attention properly hooked here.

She heard a growl come from the darkness. Rellisa hoped that the legends weren't true. I have to do this. she thought to herself. It’s the only way.

I hate the dark. She thought as she traversed the twisted hallways. I prefer the light, where I can see the art I make. I’d give anything just to go back to the light and paint or sculpt or do anything but be in this dark cave.


Hmm, well you're certainly managing to make it very, very clear that she hates the dark here, which is great, but I wonder if you're repeating that one too many times here...just perhaps cut one of those things, just so it doesn't get overly repetitive, a couple of repetitions are good for reinforcing an idea but beyond that it starts to be a bit off sounding.

Suddenly it got completely dark. And even Rellissas darkvision eyes couldn’t see a thing.

She carefully stepped forward, sliding her claws in front of her. It was a horrible sound that made her head hurt, but it was necessary. Her heart was pounding, and her breathing was rough. Despite what her mother had said, she was scared. I took all of her courage just to take each step. She heard the growling again, and it was enough to send her running.


Well, you can certainly see she's very determined to try and get to where she's going here...cause despite how scared she is, she really is doing her best to think of something or the other and get through here.

she ran until she saw a faint light. Although, after all that time in the darkness, it seemed as bright as the sun. she was so anxious to see light again, she ran straight toward the faint glow without thinking.

she reached the room with the light. she paused in the doorway, there it is, she thought. what she had traveled all this way to find, the arc of flame. the gold carving looked so real. its glow was magical and almost had a pull coming from it. Rellisa ran right to it.


OKayy...well, here we go, it looks like she decided to just fully commit to the situation and run, hoping whatever will happen is just going to happen. Also that's a neat bit of description for the carving there....its a very interesting place for her to have been running towards at any rate, makes you ask a few questions here...this one.

suddenly she felt something jump on her back. she rolled away and turned around.

"Mother?" she said.

''yessss" the new dragon hissed

"Why are you here?'' asked Rellisa.

"The better question is, why are you here. Her mother asked


Well...that's intriguing, if I'm not entirely mistaken here, it looks like the mother really doesn't want her here, and just pounced on her daughter here to interrogate here or something along those lines here.

"Why aren't you at your painting. that's all you do when you should be hunting or training. I know why you're here, you think this will save you, make me see you differently. you can trust me, IT WON'T!" she lept forward and jumped on her daughter's back.

Rellisa struggled under her mother's weight. But her mother was wrong, she had learned from her journey, she was stronger now. She clawed at her mother's face and left a deep gash. Her mother screamed, jumped off Rellisas back, and held a claw to her face. Rellisa used that time to grab the the arc of flame and ran down the corridors. Rellisa didn’t know what would happen, but she knew she would never see her home again.


Okay..wow, well I did not see that coming. With how she was using her mother's word for a bit of comfort earlier, I though despite her mother not fully understanding her, she still loved her mother, but here we see a straight up fight and it looks like she's defying her mother somehow before she runs off with whatever that item is there...well it definitely is a neat little ending here....and I know this is a short story, but I kinda wanna know what happens next now. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a solid piece here. I think I did like it for the most part, couple of fun twists and a bit of a unique characterization of a dragon here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Nicole136 says...


Thanks for your review harry!



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!!



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Mon Sep 06, 2021 3:38 am
TheWordsOfWolf says...



hey loved reading this always happy to see things about dragons!
I love your characters name by the way.
the message you put in this is something lots of people try and fail to do but you have done it in a way I have never seen and you did it very very well. Besides that you did it with dragons!
One thing I would suggest is that you add a bit more detail in the fighting part. I would suggest sensory details or description or both, its up to you though you could probably add just about anything.
keep writing! great work!

as always,
Beware the trees




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TheWordsOfWolf wrote a review...



hey loved reading this always happy to see things about dragons!
I love your characters name by the way.
the message you put in this is something lots of people try and fail to do but you have done it in a way I have never seen and you did it very very well. Besides that you did it with dragons!
One thing I would suggest is that you add a bit more detail in the fighting part. I would suggest sensory details or description or both, its up to you though you could probably add just about anything.
keep writing! great work!

as always,
Beware the trees




Nicole136 says...


Thanks for your review! I'm glad you liked the name, i wasn't sure if it worked or not.

Thanks for your time!

-Nicole



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Sun Sep 05, 2021 7:52 pm
chikara wrote a review...



Hello hello.

So first things first, the beginning is rather abrupt. I would've preferred a bit of backstory to our main character somewhere in the text, especially for this being a fantasy story. After reading this to completion, it honestly feels more like a chapter than a short story for that exact reason - and knowing that, detail is honestly going to be the key when writing shorts for that reason and just for it to be cohesive together.

Here's an example of what I mean:

“dragons don’t make art”.


How am I, as a reader who has not learned anything about the story before picking it up, supposed to how the ins and outs of worldbuilding? The answer is that I don't and that there are no hints surrounding that topic. I get not wanting to flesh out most of the worldbuilding, like with religion and history and cultural traditions, but I feel like this is a major part of the storyline because of how early it is mentioned by the mc.

When writing a story, there are a few things to keep in mind ~
1. the characters / who is here
2. the setting / where is this occurring at
3. the plot / what's happening and what is the drive
4. the conflict / what's wrong and how does it impact everyone
5. the resolution / how it ends and how the characters grow

Worldbuilding is important because it tackles almost every one of these. The setting is within the world, the characters and their goals are impacted by their world, the plot can be affected by the world, etc etc. Having a steady conflict and resolution comes with having a steady plot - to have a steady plot means to have a firm understanding of what readers like when it comes to worldbuilding and providing it for them.

Like let's look at
And even Rellissas darkvision eyes couldn’t see a thing.


Again, this is quite confusing for me. Another reviewer also mentioned it, so I won't linger on it that much because you already know, but where does this come from? Is it special to the main character or is it natural in their world? If it is not normal, how have others reacted to our main character and does it affect them at all?

I think you get what I mean. Happy RevMo!
-- chi




Nicole136 says...


Thank you for your review! I get what you're saying, and I'll make sure to remember thar in future world building. I thought about making this part if a book, but i wasn't sure if it would work out.

Thank you for your time!

-Nicole





dude what is your problem there is no need to be so cruel about it



chikara says...


I don't think I sounded cruel? If I did, that wasn't my intention. I don't really think Nicole found it that cruel either.



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Sun Sep 05, 2021 4:14 am
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ImaginativeAlice wrote a review...



Hey Nicole, Alice here to give a review!

MY THOUGHTS

So it was my first time reading one of your work and it was such a amazing story with a clear and beautiful plot. Hmm yeah, it's always as if it is more important to follow culture and tradition, than to live freely doing what we love. You were able to express this point of view so simply and clearly using a fiction story with dragons, great!

Well XD it was my first time reading something like this, with a dragon loving art. It was a fun story and it was well written, the lines were well structured and the fluency was smooth and expressive.

TINY-MINY NITPICKS

Her mother screamed, jumped of Rellisas back


"jumped off Rellisas back"

"the better question is, why are you here. Her mother asked


"The better question is, why are you here ?" her mother asked"

SUGGESTIONS

1. As you must have noticed it by now, there are tons of punctuation and spelling mistakes but they are normal, everyone of us have a hard time preventing grammatical mistakes. I will suggest you to either go through your work once or twice and correct the mistakes or go through an auto check, it is easy just edit them!

tip: It is a tip I would like to give you cause I too am a person who makes tons and tons of punctuation and spelling mistakes. After you complete writing your story, leave it aside for a good enough time, and then after some time recheck your work and you will notice those mistakes you were unable to see previously. I hope it helps!

2. Maybe, you can try to add a little bit detail to this story, so that it will be more understanding and expressive to your readers. Details like, something that can tell us more about Rellisas and her mother's relationship and some vague information about arc of fame, I understand you might have wanted your readers to leave on a cliffhanger and they imagine what happened next, but we still need to have some vague idea about why she wanted the arc of flame and what it is, it would be better.

OVERALL

These are few things I wanted to point out and suggest, but that doesn't mean I didn't liked the story I LOVED IT SO MUCH!!! But we need to understand that there are always few things that can be better, but overall your plot, dialogues and everything was well written and it was an awesome read!

Bye!
Keep writing!!!




Nicole136 says...


Thank you for you review Alice!



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Sat Sep 04, 2021 11:08 pm
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SoullessGinger wrote a review...



Hello there! Ell here with a review!

Okay, let's get into it! Right off the bat, this seems like a rather bittersweet story about the struggle of choosing between what makes us truly happy, and continuing with tradition. A sentiment I think we can all understand.

Rellisa snuck along the dark passage, Her claws scraping against the stone.


"Her" should be lowercase.

Even she could barely see into the dark cave.

Is this because she's a dragon and therefore automatically has better vision in the dark? Or because she has abnormally good vision, even for a dragon?

She could almost hear her mother now” it’s not like a normal dragon to be afraid.” she would scold.

Make sure you have punctuation after now, and that the quotes face the right way.
Ex: She could almost hear her mother now, "It's not like a normal dragon to be afraid," she would scold.

She heard a growl come from the darkness. Rellisa hoped that the legends weren't true. I have to do this. she thought to herself. It’s the only way.

Ooooooh. This is so intriguing. Is her family so against art that she has to RUN AWAY to do it?!?!

And even Rellissas darkvision eyes couldn’t see a thing.

Ohhh, so she does have darkvision. Hmmmm. I wonder if these caves are enchanted to be SO dark not even dragons can see.

what she had traveled all this way to find, the arc of flame.

Aha! She's on a quest then. I really like how you pull the reader in with all the initial turmoil about art vs what a dragon should act like, and then have this big reveal of her true quest. I think that reveal might come a little more naturally if we had some hints at Relissa's main goal here.

"Mother?" she said.

''yessss" the new dragon hissed

OH MY GOD I did not see that coming!! That was a wonderful build up to the surprise of seeing her mom.

I know why you're here, you think this will save you, make me see you differently.

Hmmmm, so does this 'arc of flame' make people believe things? Or is Relissa's bravery supposed to convince her mother that she's a "real" dragon? Her mom does not seem very accepting :/

Overall, this story was very engaging and kept me on my toes the whole time! You have a very clear plot, and great character motivation! My main note is just to double check punctuation and capitalization. It can be a little distracting to the flow of the story when those things are incorrect. But luckily that can be fixed really easily! I'd recommend just rereading the story and finding all the spots with missing punctuation and capitalization. Other than that, I LOVED dragon art! I'm really interested in Relissa's backstory, and I hope we get to hear more about her relationship with her mother. I'm also excited to learn more about this arc of flame, and why it's so important, if you decide to extend this short story.

Awesome Job!!
-Ell (she/her)
Image




Nicole136 says...


Thanks so much for your review! I'll make sure i add your suggestions.

Thank you for your time!

-Nicole




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