I, Leann Grace Roberts, am about to die. Why? Well, let's start at the beginning..
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Chapter 1: Leann Grace Roberts.
"It's hotttttt." I complained as me and Noah walked to the small lunch table at the back of the cafeteria.
"I know. I hate California.." Noah Replied.
"Californian weather is so strange. It changes everyday. Yesterday, I almost got hypothermia, and now I'm about to melt." I said as we sat down. He said something else, but I wasn't paying attention. I was just staring at his eyes. His gorgeous blue eyes. They're the type of eyes that make you melt inside, the ones that you can get lost in. The type of eyes that make you fall in love...
"LEANN." I heard Noah yell.
"Oh.. sorry. Daydreaming again." I replied.
"God, Lee, stop doing that so much. You get a blank expression on your face, and stare dumbfoundedly. It's almost as creepy as Mrs. Shoka's face." I laughed at that. He could always make me laugh.
Mrs. Shoka is our creepy science teacher. She is the worst teacher i have ever had, ever. No one likes her, and to be honest she scares pretty much everyone. But the worst part? She hates me. Literally hates me. But, obviously she loves Ashlynn.
Ashlynn Marie O'Connor. If there's anyone I hate more than Mrs. Shoka, it's Ashlynn. She's the storybook-type "popular" girl. Everyone likes her, and shes extremely gorgeous. But I know her, and she's a complete witch. Oh, did I mention, shes going out with Noah? Sweet, kind, gentle Noah, stuck with a complete bitch like Ashlynn. How does he not see how mean she is? Especially to me..
"Shut up, No." I replied jokingly. I always call him No. I know, it's a really weird nickname, but whatever.
"ASHY!" Noah screamed, as he jumped from his seat. Great. I was actually having a good day.
I turned around, and there she was. Ashlynn. Blonde, blue eyed, and beautiful. Her light blonde hair falls just below her shoulders, completely straight and thin, with bangs that shape her pale face perfectly. It's always the pretty popular type that end up being jerks.
"Hello Ashlynn." I say very nicely as they sit down next to each other.
"Hi Leann." She replies coldly, giving me a mean look. I've said two words to her and she already sounds pissed off. How could she possibly get a guy like Noah?
Noah Exavier Williams is an extremely good-looking, and nice guy. He has short dark brown hair, thats almost black, and piercing blue eyes. He's 6 foot, and has a very nice build. But, for some reason he's an outcast. I don't know why.. Well, actually I do, me.
No one preferably likes me. But, I don't know why. I'm a nice enough person. And, I'm not completely hideous. I'm quite pale, with long wavy brown hair, and eyes that are green like the grass in spring. But yet, people still call me hideous. Maybe, I'm not, maybe it's there personalitys that are hideous.
"So, are you going to the party tonight Ashy?" Noah asked, not paying attention to the rude stare Ashlynn just gave me.
"Yeah, of course!" Ashlynn said enthusiastically.
"yay! What about you Lee? I can give you a ride if you need one." He asked me.
"Ye-" I was cut off.
"NO," yelled Ashlynn, " it's not really her type of party. She shouldn't go. She'll just ruin it, like always. Plus, no one wants her there," she went on, "I mean, no one even wants her here."
"ASHLYNN! That's mean!" Yelled Noah. But, I was already running away, crying. But, where was I running to? I, I don't know. I just needed to get out of there. I needed to get out. So, I ran. I ran out of school, and all the way home. I didn't live that far away, so it was okay. When I got to my house, I ran in to my room, slammed the door, and cried. Just, cried. My dad was at work, so I wouldn't have to go back to school. I wish my mom was here though, she always cheers me up. But, I don't see her much . Why? Because she's the queen of Lindonia. Yeah, I know. Sounds pretty unreal. She's queen, so she doesn't come home often, just once a year on my birthday. My dad wasn't royalty, so by law of her country, they couldn't get married, and a baby is bad publicity, so me and my dad live in california.
But, I'm still princess of Lindonia. Heir to the throne.
If Ashlynn knew that, she'd be a hell of a lot nicer to me, but if I told anyone, they wouldn't believe me. No one knows. Not even Noah.
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i don't know if i will write more, but so far, i have chapter one.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
You really should take a secound look at some grammar, and mispellings. Just a few mistakes I really noticed; First line 'me and Noah' ---> 'Noah and I' and in the last part "me and my dad"--> "my dad and I". Also what do you mean by "No one preferably likes me"? Do you mean 'particularally" instead of "preferably". There were other spelling mistakes but they're pretty easy to pick out.
Also something that bothered me is that all of your sentences are Very short. Example (towards the end) "Just, cried"--> not quite a sentence. I would suggest adding at least a few transition words, and maybe making some compound sentences. It's kind of unnatural sounding to make all the sentences so short. There is a little bit of language in this so I don't know if you have a rating but there probablly should be.
It also seems sort of shallow that all of the main characters descriptions seem to start out with "they're beautiful, they're pretty etc." I want to know more about their personalities, and also more interesting, and original descriptions for their looks.
There was some very strange parts in this I have to admit. Like, Noah should probablly yell something angrier than "that was mean!" when Ashlynn just dishes out those insults. Noah's character seems to scream/yell alot.
I like how the ending is so surprising and very unexpected. I think you have a good idea here, and a good start as well. Good Luck! Keep up the writing and welcome to YWS!!
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Ally-wa
I think you could work on it. Some of it doesn't sound that natural and people talk about weather in real life when they don't have anything else to say, so people don't want to read about the weather. Also, the nickname 'No' is a bit confusing because everytime you write it, I think you're saying no, not No, you see the confusion? Also, most people aren't so blunt when insulting people, and I don't quite understand why, if this Noah guy is so nice, he's dating a girl who comes over and insults his best friend so harshly. Other than that, I think it's an interesting storyline and the first sentence intrigues me. Good luck on your writing!