Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
On a night such as this, Clara thought as she gazed up at the stars winking back at her, it really should be raining. If the idea of pathetic fallacy was to be believed, right now it should at least be overcast. She should not be able to see the stars so clearly on a night so full of… melancholy.
With a slight shake of her head she brought her gaze back down to earth, to the half empty bottle of cheap champagne, the almost-full packet of cigarettes, and the friend she was sharing them with.
Zach was staring off into space; not the literal space Clara had found herself inexplicably drawn to, but a space of his own mind, somewhere in the middle distance, his eyes glazed over.
It was just that sort of night.
They had snuck away from the party some time ago, though neither of them had bothered to check how long it had been. Marie and Emma had wandered by, calling for them loudly and between fits of drunken giggles, but the two had remained mutually silent until they had passed. Sitting out in the quiet on the edge of the road had just seemed like the better option. Besides, Clara thought, again glancing to the bottle and smokes between them, they had everything they needed right here.
With a sigh she reached for the champagne - five dollars, it had been, so perhaps 'champagne' was being a bit generous - and took a generous swig, wincing as the bubbles fizzed and brushed her nose. She passed the bottle to Zach who in turn already had another cigarette ready to be offered. She took it gratefully and held out her hand for the lighter, smirking as he sighed and passed it over in favour of lighting his own.
Right here, right now, it was peaceful, and Clara felt the closest to content she had in a while. But still, she thought, still, it should at least be a little bit overcast.
Clara took in a deep breath of the tobacco and let her mouth fall open, watching with a deep fascination as the smoke slowly slipped past her lips and escaped into the night.
"It's getting worse again."
Zach simply looked at her, smoke rising from his fingers, and of course Clara had been the first one to talk, she was always the first one to talk. "Like..?"
And Clara immediately understood the question. "Like not full on worse. Just, a little bit worse. Slightly worse, I guess. Kind of." Because Clara may always be the first one to talk, but she was certainly never the most deft at it. And these things were always so damn hard to explain.
Especially when she wasn't sure she wanted to explain them.
Zach hummed in a non-committal sort of way and passed the bottle back over without taking a sip. She drank a bit longer, this time. "I mean, I'm still handling it. I'm still okay." But that was a lie. And she never felt right lying about these things. "Sort of."
Zach took in a long drag and breathed out, letting the smoke escape much quicker than she did, and she couldn't help but feel it was a bit of a waste. A bat flew overhead and they watched it in silence. Glancing at the smouldering cigarette in her hand, Clara couldn't help but say without conviction "these are really bad for us."
Zach nodded. "Yup."
And, just like every other time she found herself smoking after a few drinks too many, she announced "I'm going to get cancer."
Zach shrugged. "Maybe."
The bottle was just about empty by the time they spoke again, and only a few cigarettes remained.
"Everything's changing," Zach said, and it was, they both knew it, because today was the day they graduated. In a few short hours they would receive their portfolios, exit stage left and be set loose. Everything would be different. "And that's good," he added, and Clara nodded, because she knew he wanted to get away. She knew he had never been meant for such a small and dishevelled town as theirs. And he knew it too. "It's good, because I can go and do things, and I can meet new people, and… But at the same time, it's…"
"Intimidating," offered Clara.
Zach paused as if he wanted to argue, but finally just nodded.
The bottle was empty, and Clara found herself gazing at the dark-green glass unsteadily. This was the second bottle they had opened, and there had been drinks before that. "It's hard," she finally admitted. "Everything is just so hard, and… and I don't see why." She again focused on the stars, as if tipping her head back could keep the sudden wetness of her eyes pooled there and stop it from spilling over onto her cheeks. "Nothing feels right anymore." Zach was staring at her now, in that quiet, intense way, and she knew he was waiting for more. "I can't quite explain it, it's just… it's like everything's wrong, and it's freaking me out because I don't know why or how to fix it." One hand came up and rested on the denim of her shorts, her nails digging into the marked skin underneath. "And having to live through that everyday… I don't know if I can do it." She paused and waited for the lump in her throat to go away.
They waited a long time.
"I don't know if I want to do it."
Clara finally looked back at her friend, and he was surveying the road with great interest. She didn't expect him to say anything. He was good at that. He would listen, and she would talk, and things would be okay.
But this time, he talked.
With a vague gesture around them, he said "but there are moments like these, and you have to admit they're pretty good."
The booze, the cigarettes, the cool night air, the rocks digging into Clara's bare feet, the friend beside her. "Yeah," she admitted, "they're okay."
"And we can always have moments like these," Zach said, slightly quieter.
"We can." And Clara almost believed him. Almost believed the fact that while he was leaving, and she was staying, and they might never see each other again, they could still wander onto a quiet road in the middle of the night together and smoke and drink and not give a shit about the world. Still, though. Still. "Is it worth it?"
Zach looked at her for only a moment, an unreadable expression on his face (but since when was that anything new?). With an almost unnoticeable sigh, he pulled out the last two cigarettes and held one out to her.
"Die with me?"
Clara glanced at her friend. His eyes were slightly bloodshot (from the drinks?) and his face was drawn (from being tired, right?). There was barely a pause for thought before she accepted it. She smiled when he offered her the lighter first.
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129,638 Literary Works • 671,509 Reviews
Hey there! I haven't reviewed in a very long while, so I'll try.
Reading the title, I thought it was going to be something cheesingly-romantic that I would die. But, to my surprise, it was one of the best short stories I have ever read. You write beautifully, my dear. Every word has a meaning in your story, nothing is misplaced and nothing is missing.
I loved the sort of romantic feeling but yet very platonic edge. It was a simple story of two teens getting drunk and smoking, but yet it was beautiful. You get the feeling Zack and Clara (love that name by the way) have some romantic connection, but at the same time, you don't.
What I didn't like though was the parentheses you put in this:
"Clara glanced at her friend. His eyes were slightly bloodshot (from the drinks?) and his face was drawn (from being tired, right?)."
They weren't needed. It kind of ruined the moment. But other than that, everything in this is perfect.
- Nike
PM me for anything!!
Wow. This is awesome. It's so real and... just plain awesome haha! I love stories like this that have such a personal quality to them.
The relationship between them is almost romantic, though I don't get the feeling that they're "together." Sometimes, platonic relationships are more powerful than romantic ones, even if they're based upon cynicism. I love the way that they talk to each other. But even more so, I love the silence between them. There's nothing awkward or uncomfortable about it which is something that I think almost everyone would envy. Gotta enjoy the silence right?
The first paragraph is probably my favorite. It really hooked me right off the bat. I instantly got a clear picture of the main character just from the way you wrote her thoughts. She's a character that I think I'd really relate to.
I also loved the last quote. "Die with me?" It's such a tragic and romantic thing to say and I found myself blushing like a little school-girl haha!
The only things I didn't care for were the parentheticals. I feel like the story really didn't need them at all and I couldn't quite tell if they were Clara's thoughts or yours, seeing as how the story is told from a third-person perspective.
Anyway, I was really glad to have read this. Kudos and keep up the good work!
Well the title of this alone intrigued me. And I wasn't disappointed.
I love the fact you have poked fun at the use of pathetic fallacy, few writers acknowledge techniques this way in the work. Very original.
'and the friend she was sharing them with.' This is a beautiful lead in to character. This is something I personally always struggle with and you have done it expertly.
'It was just that sort of night.' A brilliant use of a short sentence and it really confirms the reader's attention.
However there's this one line: '"these are really bad for us." ' Now it bugs me, because it doesn't sound all that... authentic for a couple of teenagers. Especially ones who are smoking and drinking in the first place. Why does this epiphany dawn on her just now? If you know what I mean?
'"I'm going to get cancer."
Zach shrugged. "Maybe."' You pick it back up again here with the characterisation of Zach, he is a lot more realistic in terms of teenage reaction.
One criticism I will make is that I have no idea what your characters look like, and that can be kind of annoying. Sorry.
Although, I had a writer-gasm over your final line. It was perfect. Just like... ugh! To die for. LOL.
'Die with me?' There is so much poetry and love and sex and pain and sarcasm in that, and you've just got it. Congratulations, I want to steal your line. Overall this is a great, really thoughtful piece. Nice work.
Heya! Life here to polish his reviewing teeth after a longer than usual break.
I like this. I could feel the melancholy in between the lines, in the pauses between either of the two's lines, in the way that almost no words had to pass between them for mutual understanding to occur. Graduation does this to people, this pause in life in which the coherent lines vanish, and I think you did a fabulous job bringing that to light.
I like the nod towards the clichéd weather that should have been, but wasn't. In my opinion, the comment on the lack of overcast weather has a much greater impact than the addition of said weather could ever have; good of you to notice that, too. The setting in general, two friends sitting away from the party, I liked - and only partly because I tend to do this in real life as well. Some might say it's an over-used setting, but it's a slice of life, something completely natural, and as such cannot ever be used in over-abundance.
So what I liked most was how realistic the whole scene felt. You've a great style here. My only complaint, barring nitpicks - which I'll get to in a second - is the fact that Clara wasn't taking her meds. I've never liked the whole 'meds' theme in teenager-stories. Here it feels as if it isn't really needed, but you wanted to place it in there anyway. The story works fine without the mention of medication, and for me at least, the piece stumbles on that part. It could be just a personal distaste, though, as I've always felt the whole theme to be slightly clichéd.
Then again, perhaps this is reflective on your personal life, and you've known someone who's had prescribed meds for anxiety or something similar? If so, I'm sorry for intruding on a personal matter and want to stress that I mean no disrespect. I simply think it cheapens the impact of Clara's feelings, since before the mention, almost anyone could relate to her and how she felt. The meds take her away from 'just a another teenager" to "a teenager on meds", which has a very different connotation to it.
Anywho, a couple of nitpicks I picked out (eheh, git it?):
You use slowly twice in the same sentence; replace one of 'em with something else.
The 'because' at the start of this sentence makes no sense. Typo?
Added a comma before the line for grammatical reasons, and the first letter of the line is capitalized, since it's a sentence on its own. You made this mistake a couple more times, check through the piece and fix them up as well.
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Aaaand that's all. Really like the line: "Die with me?". It's that one little quirk that makes the whole story come together. Well tied up at the end, overall. A nice bit of melancholy to my Friday evening.
Feel free to ask if you've any questions about any points I made, or didn't notice to make, and I apologise if this review comes off as somewhat chaotic. Still trying to get into terms with the newly-awakened reviewer in me.
Anywho, anyhow, hope this helped in the slightest!
Your's truly,
|Life|
Thank you, your review was really very helpful and much appreciated
The medication was a bit of self-reflective thing, but I can also see how it would take away from the piece, and to me, could just as easily be a layer to the character that simply isn't uncovered straight away, so I like that you brought it to light. Thanks again 
Your story leaves so many things unclear. Where is Zach going? Is Zach really the one leaving or is it Clara? Why don't I have more details and information.
I thought your story was extremely well written, but it confused me. Who is leaving? Why are they leaving? Why do they not want to go? How do Zach and Clara know eachother? Are they dating, are they friends?
Sorry, I ask a lot of questions. My favorite part was "'And we can always have moments like these," Zach said, slightly quieter.'"
The only thing is, if someone is leaving the other, how on Earth will they have moments like those?
Like I said, your story was so well written, and the descriptions are phenominal. I just just want more details.