Hiya! This is Nepo and I just wanted to post a novel I've been working. I'm not greatest at editing and miss easy grammar mistakes. So if you could, please show me the mistakes I've done. It would be greatly appreciated.
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‘Where am I?’ I thought, looking around my surroundings. The room I was in was dimly lit and messy, paperwork and notebooks everywhere. The walls were made of a smooth grey stone, stacked one on top of each other. A large operating table was in the middle of the cramped room, syringes, scissors, and knives were placed on top of the table. The cabinets and drawers were left open, as if someone was looking for something. In all, it looked like a tornado passed through the small room.
All of a sudden, like someone was controlling my own body. I swiveled around facing a man, who I think was around his late twenty’s. He had messy raven locks that hung long from the crown of his head, so long it made it impossible to see his eyes. He was tall and thin, a white lab coat hung on his scrawny frame.
“Akihiko,” I didn’t know what happened, but my body moved on its own as I kissed him soundly on his cheek. I felt like I was a prisoner inside my own body. Speaking of my body, it felt different. I felt taller and slimmer than before; my hair was longer, resting on my waist. I also felt older, as if the years had gone by and I hadn’t noticed.
“Abianne,” He greeted me in his smooth, velvety voice. My name is not Abianne, it’s Aurora, Aurora Skye. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t this ‘Abianne’ but I couldn’t move or talk. I was just watching life go by and someone was controlling my actions.
“Akihiko,” My voice sounded sweet and gentle, nothing like my feminine child-like voice. “Did Kabito come? Last time I was here, it wasn’t like this.” Her voice (She is not me, I concluded, she’s someone else and I’m in her body) was worried and I could feel her face twist into a concerned expression.
The man named Akihiko did not say anything, but his chocolate brown eyes that bore into hers answered her question.
“Did he find it?” Abianne questioned as her hands were tightly clenched together in front of her chest. Find what? The situation was getting more vague and more mysterious by the minute. I could barely understand what they were talking about. All I knew that this man named ‘Kabito’ was trying to steal something of theirs.
Akihiko shook his head, “No, he didn’t. I have hidden it somewhere in the house but it’s just a matter of time before he finds it.” His voice was grave as he narrowed his eyes and twiddled the end of a lock of his hair.
Her hands clamped over Akihiko's hands as he was startled at the sudden sign of affection. “Akihiko, let me help you,” She pleaded. The second she had said those words, he ripped his hands away from her, ignoring her wounded look.
“I can’t let you do that,” He sounded hysterical as he paced back and forth. “You know how dangerous our research is. If he finds out that you’re hiding it, he won’t be merciful.”
“I know that,” She raised her voice, something that didn't seem like her regular character since Akihiko's eyes widened. “But it will be much safer with me. And even if he does know, I know him the best. He was my friend since childhood, I know him and he won’t hurt me!”
She sounded like she wanted the ‘data’ so badly. Her feet were spaced evenly apart; her right hand was clenched in a fist and hovered protectively in front of her chest.
Akihiko’s eyes softened as he saw Abianne, fighting so that she could help protect the data. Why would she protect the data? From Akihiko's opinion on his research and the shady character, Kabito, wanting the data, it sounded dangerous and deadly. I wonder why she volunteered to keep the data. She’s risking her life for some silly piece of research that she’s not even a part of.
“All right,” He whispered. I could tell Abianne was shocked, because her eyes (Which where I could see the situation from) had never left Akihiko. “I’ll let you keep the data, but from the bits and pieces I’ve told you about my research, you do know what you’ll have to do, you’ve seen my experiment. You don’t have to do it. I can’t bear it if I couldn’t see you again. It will take a great toll on your body if you did.”
The way he talked about it, he made it sound so vague, he could’ve been talking about anything that involved science or medicine. It was like he was paranoid someone was listening into there conversation. But, Abianne, the body I was currently invading, knew exactly what was he was talking about as her arm fell limply on her side. Her mouth was slack as she blinked slowly. From her reaction, I could tell whatever she had to do; it would be hard on Akihiko and herself.
“I will still do it,” Abianne said definitely, breaking the awkward silence between him. Akihiko seemed heartbroken at the idea but nodded, knowing that it would be for the best, but he couldn’t face the consequences.
“You know I will never see you again like this,” He said, his eyes wounded and hurt. Abianne turned around her bangs shadowing her eyes.
“I know.”
I drew in a long, raggedy gasp as I sat up, a fluffy comforter clutched in my arms. My faded Eeyore shirt lopsided and my blue and purple striped pajamas pants were loose. It showed that I was twisting and turning in me sleep.
“It was just a dream,” I murmured. I felt my arms which were covered in goose bumps. I could move and control my actions, unlike before.
“But it felt so real,” I muttered as I clenched and unclenched my hands, making sure this wasn’t a dream too. I sighed, “Maybe it was just a dream.”
“AURORA!” I flinched as Nina pounded on my bedroom door, screeching my name. “GET YOU BUTT IN THE KITCHEN! MOM SAID BREAKFEST IS READY!”
I rolled my eyes as I scrambled out of my covers, falling down in the process. I got back up and checked the mirror. My bed head was a tangled mess of caramel locks and my eyes were idled and an angry red. In short, I looked like crap.
I had a hard time brushing my mess that was called hair, but I got it done. I slipped off my pajamas and replaced them with a flowy white summer dress and blinked rapidly, hoping that the redness would go away.
“AURORA!” Nina screeched, but it was softer than before. She must’ve been downstairs in the kitchen.
“All right, I’m coming!” I hollered as I slammed my dented door (courtesy of Nina one Sunday morning) open and stumbled down the carpeted steps.
When I reached the kitchen, it was littered with plates of pancakes, eggs, toast, hash browns, and bacon. Mrs. Jones, a small and petite lady with wispy blond hair, was busy making more dishes. While Nina, my tall and lanky, blond haired foster sister, was busying stuffing her face with anything she can get her hands on. How charming, I thought dryly.
“Morning,” I greeted the two as I slid in the stool next to Nina, who was busy shoving scrambled eggs down her throat.
“Mornin’ sweetie,” Mrs. Jones greeted me as she looked backwards and gave a stunning smile, showing all her straight teeth. I smiled back as I took a small bite of the bacon that was in front of me. It was crispy and savory, I almost groaned on how good it tasted.
“Great as always Mrs. Jones,” I complemented. Her ears, which poked through her blond hair, turned an interesting red color as she smiled.
“Why thank hon. Are ya going out today?” She asked as she chopped up potatoes. I smiled at her hospitality. Even though I have lived with her since she had adopted me twelve years ago, I couldn’t help but be embarrassed by her smothering nature.
“Yup! I’m going to the park. It’s been getting hot and I want to get out for a bit,” I replied enthusiastically.
“That’s nice dear. Wish Nina would come with you instead of stuffing her face all day.”
“I don’t stuff my face all day!” She protested. I would’ve taken her seriously if she hadn’t had bits of hash browns stuck to her teeth and ketchup all over her lip.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you say,” Mrs. Jones waved off. She returned to her work as I giggled into my hand, Mrs. Jones was an awesome mom.
“I’ll be off,” I announced as I slipped a satchel on my shoulder. “I’ll be back before 6!”
I dashed to the door, clumsily slipping on a pair of blue sandals. Soon I was walking down the cracked pavement of my neighborhood.
I’ve lived in Summermont for as long as I can remember. I knew almost all the teens my age, where the best stores are, and the greatest places to just have a walk. The park in my neighborhood was one of them.
It was large and spacious, enough space for hundreds of people. Evenly trimmed grass and different colored flowers native to the area were everywhere. There was a long, winding walkway that went through the whole park, passing statues and small fountains.
I breathed in the scent of the fresh flowers and listened to the mindless chatter between families. To me, the park was my only escape. From school (though it was summer now), from friends, or from family, the park was the only place I could think clearly. I liked to think of it as my sanctuary.
I advanced to the worn swings, where I usually spend my day if I even went to the park. I usually just swung back and forth, watching the little kids play tag, the parents laughing, the girls trying to impress the boys with skimpy tank tops and shorts, while the guys wouldn’t take there eyes of them. To me, that was bliss.
I smiled at my mental image as I settled myself into the rubber swing. I took a few steps back, before letting go. I swung my legs back and forth, getting higher swing I took. Soon I was almost going around and tried to stop myself before that happened.
I took my chances and leaped off the swing. My limbs flailing and thrashing hoping to grab on to something before I fell. However, nothing was going to break my fall so I closed my eyes and crossed my arms in front of my face, hoping I wouldn’t get seriously injured.
Luckily, I landed on something soft and……squishy?
“Get off,” I voice below me grumbled, though it was muffled because his face was planted on the grass.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized. I quickly scrambled off the boy and offered a hand up. He ignored it and stood up by himself, shaking the grass out of his thin jacket and shorts.
I almost gasped out loud. The teenager (who looked around my age) looked almost exactly as the man in my dream. Akihiko was it? His face was the exact same shape, his hair fell exactly the way Akihiko’s hair did, and his eyes were the same shape and size. Though there were some differences. His hair was a pale blond color while the man from my dreams was a glossy raven color. Opposed to Akihiko’s chocolate brown eyes, he had sky blue eyes, which were currently glaring at me. I wonder----Oh yeah, I fell on him.
“I’m really sorry. I didn’t know I was going to land on you,” I said sheepishly. I offered a small grin, one he didn’t return.
“You should be more careful,” His voice was smooth like silk. “You idiot women really need to pay attention.”
I felt a vein throb. It was an accident and he was just blaming it on me! Okay, it was partly, okay all of my fault for landing on him but he didn’t need to insult me and other women too!
“Excuse me. Would you remind repeating that?” I growled.
“Are you deaf too? Man, why are women so......” He mumbled the last part, but the way he said the first part of the sentence and the sour look on his face I knew it was something foul.
“YOU SEXIST JERK!” I accused. “IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DIDN’T MEAN TO LAND ON YOU AND I SAID SORRY!”
He seemed shocked at my sudden outburst, but his shock quickly turned into an indifferent mask.
“Whatever. Just leave me alone,” He muttered, but I could hear it loud and clear. I felt shocked and hurt. Why? I didn’t know. He glared at me once more before stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets and walked away, not looking back once.
I stuck my tongue at him before stalking back to the swings. It wasn’t as enjoyable before I had landed on him. My mind was clouded with that jerk and his resemblance to the man in my dream. Could they be relatives? Maybe father and son?
“What am I thinking?” I whispered out loud, though no one heard me. “It’s just a dream and I probably saw him somewhere and had a dream about someone who looks like him.”
Satisfied with my answer, I swung back and forth on the rusty swing set. Though I knew that it wasn’t the real answer.
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This is a start and please give me your feedback! It would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Thank you for pointing my mistakes. I was never good at editing so thanks!
Hi Nepo!! I'm Dianne and I'll be your reviewer today. How exciting!
There are instances where your sentences are worded awkwardly but that's fixed fast. Here are two I found at the beginning of the chapter:
You have mistakes but this part is well written:
This part confused me:
How does the MC know that raising her voice isn't her regular character if she doesn't even know who Abbiane is?
The rest is well written, especially the encounter with the boy that looks like the man from her dreams. There are a few spelling mistakes but not so many that I feel the need to point them all out. A quick read through and you'll see what I mean. Overall, this is a good start. The ending to the chapter really caught my attention and I hope to read more soon. Good luck!