Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Narrative

16+ Language

3AM Tomfoolery: Chapter 2

by Nenchjre


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

I was still lying on the mattress that reeked of Nicholas’s body odor, due to him being of European descent. Our bedroom was just a large closet that led to the “living room” and “kitchen.” They were both clustered into one large room, yet the area closest to the front door had kitchen appliances, so we designated that area as the kitchen. The living room was just empty space we couldn’t fill with furniture. Not because there was a lack of space more so a lack of money. In-between the two “rooms” were the closet/bedroom, and the bathroom was located near the front door. We only had one window which was located in the “living room,” so our only sources of light were our iPhone, the window, flames from the stove, and a couple of flashlights located next to the mattress. (Surprising, right? That broke people can afford iPhones. It’s not necessarily that we can afford them, we just blew what little savings we had on them.)

Nicholas had gotten out of bed, and I could smell that he had made eggs.

“John! Wake up you bum we have to work.” He yelled from the other side of the closed closet door.

“Ugh… why?” I slowly moaned from the mattress.

The space between us was so small that he could hear my complaint, so he screamed in response: “Because America is now an aristocracy you little dip. We get taxed equally so old men can continue to drink hundred-year-old wine while I’m forced to drink freaking pruno in a glass bottle with a cartoon French man on the front.”

“No,” I said before letting out a small grunt as I partly lifted myself up from bed. “Why are you up when it’s still nighttime?”

“What do you mean?” We were still talking through the closet door.

“I heard the hostesses come back with their dates about a half hour ago so it’s still night.”

“You sure?” He asked with a slight tone of confusion in his voice.

“I don’t know. Check your phone,” I said lazily, still in the dark.

“It’s dead”

“So is mine.”

In the rooms above us were the bar hostesses. If you heard moaning and pounding for a solid five minutes, then it usually signaled that it was night time. Somewhere around midnight or one in the morning. At five in the morning, angsty men in their twenties would wake up and complain loudly about having to work so early or maybe they were continuing an argument they had with their girlfriends. It’s really hard to tell. Overall, our neighbors were our alarm clocks and clocks in general. We didn’t have any clocks of our own, aside from our phones, and we always woke up before the sun would rise. We assume we wake up at around five in the morning since that’s around the same time our neighbors wake us up, but we really don’t know. All we know is that it’s the time we need to get up at anyways to have enough time to get ready for work.

“How do you know that they returned a half hour ago?” Nicholas asked.

“Insomnia you dick, you know this already,” I said slowly laying back into a sleeping position, reassured that I didn’t have to get up anytime soon.

“Well, I guess I’ll just eat and go to bed.” He said, ignoring my last remark.

For the next few minutes, I heard the scraping of metal and a few loud gulps here and there. Still lying the darkness of the closet. For a moment there was the sound of rushing water from the sink and then it stopped. Nick’s feet made a single thump before he entered and jumped onto his side of the mattress. We shifted for a short while to find a comfy position to sleep in. After doing so I put my arm over my eyelids and Nicholas became still.

“Hey Nick,” I asked groggily as I began to feel my conscious being taken away by drowsiness. “Why did you wake up so early?”

“What do you mean.”

“You never wake up before the neighbors do,” I explained.

“Things shift every now and then. People sometimes wake up early or go to bed early and it’s just something that happens.”

“Yea but. you’ve been doing it more often lately.”

“As I said, it’s just a shift, no biggie.”

The conversation ended in silence, and I was finally able to sleep. 

Keep in mind that I wrote this at around midnight for an hour. If you actually read this then... I'm glad to say that you wasted a quantifiable amount of time. Now get out of here you little scamp. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
598 Reviews


Points: 23221
Reviews: 598

Donate
Sun Dec 30, 2018 7:08 pm
ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey Nenchjre,

Shady here with a review for you on this fine Review Day, courtesy of the Red Team. My style tends to be to make comments as I'm reading on things that stood out to me (both positive and negative!) and then give a general summary of what I thought about the piece at the end. Let's get started...

I was still lying on the mattress that reeked of Nicholas’s body odor, due to him being of European descent.


I'm not quite sure what you mean by this. Do you mean he sweats a lot, or...?

~ ~ ~

Okay! This was a pretty short piece so I didn't have a ton of things to comment on overall. I think it was an interesting piece. It definitely shows the relationship between these two men and gives a bit of insight into their living conditions.

I didn't read chapter one so I'm not sure that I can comment on the overall plot progression, but this did feel like a bit of a slow chapter. I mean, there's nothing at all wrong with slowing down the action for some character development, but my advice to you would be to consider what, in the overall picture of things, does this chapter contribute to your story? Did it move the plot along? Did it provide valuable insights into your characters? If it's not serving a purpose, perhaps think about altering it until it does?

That's all I have! Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




User avatar
393 Reviews


Points: 10323
Reviews: 393

Donate
Sun Dec 30, 2018 7:05 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hello!

So yes, I did drop back and read chapter one, so hopefully this will be better than the last review I dropped on a lone later chapter.

Onwards, I guess?

General Writerly Craft:

1. So this is a formatting issue and not a craft issue, but I am a little confused by the indented paragraphs? Usually YWS's word editor will wipe out your formatting, and I get the feeling that it wasn't on purpose, because chapter one did not have indented paragraphs. You might want to look into that.

2. Your dialogue is pretty good! It's got a kind of stilted flow to it that feels kind of like a real conversation, where not everything is said, but the characters at least understand each other, and we readers understand at least the gist of it.

3. That being said, your prose needs a bit of work. A lot of the sentences don't read fluidly, in both content and grammatical structure, and sometimes you make jumps between things that maybe require a paragraph break or some kind of bridge.

4. You have a nice overall tone! Darkly (and a bit over-the-top) honest, with frank narrator monologues that I can just feel being spoken in some dirty city accent. It's a good thing, and I hope, as you clear up things like sentence fluidity, that you keep that tone.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. The characters are really antagonistic. Like, to each other, to the world. The little exchange at the very end where John is concerned about Nicholas was really great! But everything else? It's just so gritty, and that's been done, and it's not particularly healthy. I get that this is chapter two, and that if you're going for that growth factor, then a bit of angsting is good for development, but gritty for the sake of gritty (or realism) is maybe not the way to go.

2. There's a really heavy disconnect between this chapter and the last, and I'm a bit lost on how we got from point A to point B. Also, a lot of the plot-ish points brought up in chapter one, like the grandmother's death, did not resurface here, so I'm also kind of lost on where the story will go.

That's about it. I know from your note that I maybe taking this a little more seriously than you are, but that's alright too! I get the need to just push out stuff that's in your head at midnight.

Great work, and happy review day!
-Vento




User avatar


Points: 343
Reviews: 4

Donate
Wed Dec 19, 2018 5:18 pm
ashrenee0909 wrote a review...



Hi! Ash here for another review...

I must say this was an interesting piece and you did amazing! There were only very little minor grammar mistakes. But nothing like a bad misspelling. It was an amazing story overall! So here are those minor things I would fix personally!

"...we can afford them, we just blew what little savings...." Instead of a comma after them, try using a period, or a semicolon.

"Nick’s feet made a single thump..." Try adding had before made to give your sentence more structure and use the proper tense of made.

"...wake up early or go to bed early and it’s just something..." Here just add a comma after the second early.

"...you’ve been doing it more..." Here, you had a period before this sentence. Meaning you need to capitalize You.

Other than those few mistakes, you did an amazing job, and I hope you have an amazing Holiday!

Sincerely,
Ash





It's unsettling to know how little separates each of us from another life altogether.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore