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16+ Language

3AM Tomfoolery

by Nenchjre


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Chapter 1

“Can I level with you right now? I absolutely hate the fantasy stories people come up with right now. Lusty teenage girls and boys pushed into post-apocalyptic worlds. Mythical creatures being slaughtered at the hands of a young male protagonist with magic powers, or kids in the suburbs finding love only to come across some uncanny twist to mix things up. The sad part is, is that they’re all written by middle-aged men with bachelors degrees. It’s as if they wanted to unsuccessfully transfer themselves into the past to half-assingly experience the dreams they’ve wanted to live out. It creeps me out in all honesty, yet nothing disturbs me more than that is its impact on today’s culture. Quiet girls write of the same unoriginal fantasy schmuck without even putting their own fresh twist to the whole thing, or suicidal loners heavily imply that they’re depressed as they write off a gloomy analysis of the world. It’s like there’s an overall moral decline in the West, and to top it off there’s a pure lack of real communication. Middle-aged white women continue to make snarky comments or vent, instead of trying to nurture real relations that could foster their needs. Conservative kids (not in a political sense) hide behind their screens. And have you noticed how group conversations usually go down? It’s usually a few people just talking, while the others act as commentators or stand silently to await their turn to speak. I think that’s social at all.” I half-yelled as to get my point across.

“You’re too cynical John.” Said the man sitting to my right on the curb with his expensive house coffee in a styrofoam cup. We had our ten dollar hoodies and sweatpants from the local Goodwill and decided to take a break from walking on our way home from the nearby café. After taking a sip, he followed up with his previous comment with a deadly stare, “Seriously, you’re too negative sometimes.”

“Wow, you really shouldn’t be so aggressive, especially since I spent five bucks on that coffee of yours. Besides, in accordance with the laws of society you being in debt to me makes you my bitch.” I replied with an equally deadly stare. “So does bitch wanna make me a sandwich.”

“You’re kind of pushing this to the extreme.” He silently retreated by facing away from me with his eyes towards the cup in front of him.

“You’re the one who instigated all of this,” I muttered. There was now an awkward pause between the both of us as we just faced forward staring at the night scene of the desolate streets. I took it upon myself to break the pause, “Hey Nicholas, in all seriousness how are you doing?”

“I’m sitting on a curb like a homeless man, in a poor attempt to be cheered up by my friend after witnessing the death of my grandmother.” He said in a monotone voice as our eyes connected once more. “How the hell do you think I’m doing John?”

“You’re… Happy?”

“What the fu-“

“Well, you said she was loaded right?! You’re her only grandchild, so some of her money obviously has to go to you. Besides, you’re always thinking about numbers and such.” I quickly said as to justify my response to his question.

“She died of cancer, the poor lady was in pain for the past ten months. I'm supposed to be happy?!” He said in slightly more energetic yet annoyed voice.

“Well, fundamentally… you are a dick.” I responded.

He paused for a long moment, with his perfect…. Perfect brown eyes staring right at me.

“Oh, yea…” He finally said. 

Silence once more hung over us, and we welcomed it. That very silence set the mood as we peered out onto the desolate street adjacent to us. On the other side, two handrails stuck out awkwardly indicating that were concrete stairs that lead out onto the sandy beach. No bioluminescence lit up the ocean nor did the moon for today was pretty foggy. You could still make out the movement of the waves with the light given off by the street lamps. Two of which stood a short equal distance from one another. The sound of the crashing waves would sometimes be interrupted by a passing vehicle owned by someone who just got off their job from a convenience store, but the smell of gas and evaporated salt water was always present. One noticeable rarity in this sight was the flotsam that was could only be seen if you focused your eyes really hard on it. It appeared to be a tackle box blanketed in seaweed. Fishing wasn't allowed on the sand itself, so someone must've gone out to the water and dropped it during an excursion. Either way, we just appreciated the view for as long as we could. 

“You know John… I’m actually glad you got me out of the apartment. I’ve been kind of down all day, but… I’ll probably just ignore my problems once more until they lead me into an internal crisis.” He said with a shred of sincerity.

I took a moment to think of how I’d respond to his sentiment. I also wanted to say something genuine, but I then decided to just keep the conversation as casual as possible. “Yea, I’m glad we could share a cliché moment from a movie about two homosexual liberals.”

This time Nicholas responded with a chuckle instead of the usual comment. He decided to take my joke one step further and half-assingly wrapped his right arm around me. I didn’t mind though. It was in the mid-thirties outside, so the lazy hug helped counter the cold.

We took a while longer to admire the view, then Nicholas slowly stood on his feet. I did the same as well, and we went back to our apartment without exchanging any words. 

Keep in mind that I wrote this at one in the morning in the timespan of an hour. Please give me advice on both my writing and life choices.

-Love, the author. 


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209 Reviews


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Thu Dec 13, 2018 6:38 pm
artemis15sc wrote a review...



I found this piece really interesting. The opening paragraph makes it come across as more of a satire piece than fiction though, but I'm trying to decide if I think that's part of it's charm. I'll get back to you on that.

First off, I think there's a typo here because I don't understand this sentence. "I think that’s social at all.” Is it supposed to be "I DON'T think that's social at all?"

Also, the dialogue tag. "I half-yelled as to get my point across." Feels super clunky. Because it was such a large paragraph of dialogue I honestly didn't know someone was speaking, and having it there at the end was super jarring and completely took me out of the story. My two suggestions are to either include a dialogue tag sooner/more often so we remember there is an actual human talking, or to not have a dialogue tag at all and just transition into Nicholas talking. It could like something like this:


"...think that’s social at all.”

“You’re too cynical John.” Said the man sitting to my right on the curb as I finished half-yelling my rant.


You'll probably come out with something better, that's just an idea.

Another quick comment, I agree that you're dialogue is fantastic, but I do think you use their names a little too much. I understand using it once for each of them so we know their names, but after that they probably don't need to call each other John or Nicholas at all.


Alright, after having finished I've decided that I like the opening paragraph style, though the content is still a little jarring since they don't really refer to his rant after that. Maybe have him rant about something more related to their personal lives, or the grandma's passing, or at least have Nicholas reference the content of it a little more.

One thing I really liked was your descriptions. They were interesting and very un-cliched and definitely added to the story. Keep it up. Overall the piece had a nice flow. Also I loved your author's note at the end. It also added to the charm of the piece.

Thanks for writing, and let me know if you have any questions about my review.




Nenchjre says...


... you have a bachelors in writing... don't you...



artemis15sc says...


I'm a college drop-out, actually, but I guess I haven't worked it all out of my system, yet. xD



Nenchjre says...


eh. 1/2 of the jobs we study for are going to get replaces by AI and machines in a few decades. If you dropped out then I hope that it was for a good reason. God speed you twenty something year old rascal.



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Thu Nov 01, 2018 12:35 am
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LRDay wrote a review...



Hi! Hope your day has been pleasant!

Wow, only the time span of an hour? Impressive!

First off, I really, really, enjoyed the opening paragraph, being someone who considers herself a fantasy writer (and I am a stickler for the cynical things!)
I love the back-and-forth banter between the main characters, so realistic! One thing I feel many aspiring writers (myself included sometimes) fail to grasp when writing conversations is a moving, realistic, dialogue. And when I say moving, I literally mean moving. Many forget to describe what their characters are doing, and only limit themselves to what their characters are saying.

Your use of humor via curse words is spot on. Often times, I feel writing swears can come out forced. But I have no problem imagining people the main characters' ages saying these things in real life!

Overall, this is great!

And I just want to highlight my favorite part: “Yea, I’m glad we could share a cliché moment from a movie about two homosexual liberals.”

This time Nicholas responded with a chuckle instead of the usual comment. He decided to take my joke one step further and half-assingly wrapped his right arm around me. I didn’t mind though. It was in the mid-thirties outside, so the lazy hug helped counter the cold.

Spectacular!




Nenchjre says...


Rated R. Wow, u just made my freaking day. It's Halloween and I've got a pile of homework. I also keep getting harassed for being a protestant by my Catholic friends. My depression is starting to get it's second wind as well, and my only plant has fruit flies all over it. (I already killed two over the time span of writing this comment). Overall, today has been kinda crummy, but it does me justice to know I was able to entertain you for a quick second. Thanks man. I hope we can have a cliche homosexual hug sometime soon, followed by a lazy hug. Stay Cheeki Breeki. (Also, Nicholas and John are part of a name of one of my Catholic friends, John Nichocal @#!$%#, I do it so one day he might avoid trying to convert me).



Nenchjre says...


after re-reading ur comment I realized that ur likely a female, I'm sry for forcing such pronouns like 'man' in my previous comment. Good luck wt ur writing.



Nenchjre says...


after re-reading ur comment I realized that ur likely a female, I'm sry for forcing such pronouns like 'man' in my previous comment. Good luck wt ur writing.




Science is the key to our future, and if you don’t believe in science, then you’re holding everybody back. And it’s fine if you as an adult want to run around pretending or claiming that you don’t believe in evolution, but if we educate a generation of people who don’t believe in science, that’s a recipe for disaster. We talk about the Internet. That comes from science. Weather forecasting. That comes from science. The main idea in all of biology is evolution. To not teach it to our young people is wrong.
— Bill Nye