You zip,
You twirl,
You feel,
Like you’re gonna hurl.
You spin,
You fall,
Enjoyable?
Nope, not at all.
You scream,
You fly,
You know,
That you’re gonna die.
You beg,
You barf,
Former lunch,
Splats against the wharf.
You know,
You’re dirtying,
Prized boat,
With your oral ejecting.
You ascend,
You plummet,
Person behind,
is hit and says “darn it.”
You go,
All around,
And you wish,
To be let down.
You gasp,
Very glad,
As the
Coaster slows a tad.
It stops,
You leave,
You rush,
To waste basket and heave.
Never again,
Will you ride,
Roller coaster,
As you almost died.
Especially after,
Eating contest,
Where you,
Didn’t have time to digest.
Your overall experience?
Not the best.
Hello Necromancer14!
I am impressed with the way you write. The way you've described a roller coaster ride, I must say it's wonderful! It makes me remember the first time I had had a roller coaster ride. How scared I was!😄 But altogether you've been fabulous... I am happy to see that there are such good writers in this world and I
feel fortunate to be able to read their works. Keep it up!
Best wishes
I
Hello Necromancer14!
I am impressed with the way you write. The way you've described a roller coaster ride, I must say it's wonderful! It makes me remember the first time I had had a roller coaster ride. How scared I was!😄 But altogether you've been fabulous... I am happy to see that there are such good writers in this world and I
feel fortunate to be able to read their works. Keep it up!
Best wishes
I
Hi Necromancer! I'm Morrigan, here to review your poem.
This gave me quite a chuckle! It's lighthearted, and it really brings back that time when my cousin hurled all over me when we were on the zipper at the county fair. Yikes!
That being said, I do have some suggestions you could try to make this even better!
You have a cool meter going on here, but you don't need all the line breaks that you have right now. I feel like the breaks and all the commas really kind of make the poem more disjointed than it should be. I recommend punctuating this poem like you would prose, and with more natural line breaks. Like this:
You zip, you twirl, you feel
like you’re gonna hurl.
You spin, you fall. Enjoyable?
Nope, not at all.
I feel like "waste basket" doesn't fit the meter or the vibe here. Try "trash can." It's funnier, and I feel like it fits the imagery of a rickety seaside carnival a bit better.To waste basket and heave.
‘Sup, AngelLily here.
Alright, this prom made me laugh, and it’s good when you can make your reader laugh, so good job. I love the rhyming words, they make it more fun to read. Very relatable. This made my day! This quarantine is really getting to me, so this is awesome. I really like your style and flow as well.
Keep at it!
You are a talented writer!
~AngelLily 😇
I could've laughed so hard.
This poem was so bizarre in a good way.
So this poem was short, witty, and about barfing.
I can say I wish I had that experience. I was on a coaster that went upside down, and I started to scream. But I didn't hurl. I wish I would've. That would've saved a lot of people from an adrenaline rush.
I love the witty rhyme scheme. It's perfect.
Again, this poem was hilarious.
Good job.
Shay
HELLO, NECROMANCER!
Seriously, I was in a serious, gloomy mood until I read your poem, thank you for lifting this poor trash's spirits up! I can't believe you wrote a poem about hurling during a roller coaster ride! I've never rode one and your poem enforces my idea of not wanting to ride one.
Nevertheless! I should put the downsides and how to improve it but I skipped out on critical analysis class on poetry, SO I'M JUST GOING TO TELL YOU MORE ABOUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS POEM!
I love it and it seriously made my day. Thank you so much.
Wishing you the best,
ShallowHouse
122,137 Literary Works • 657,396 Reviews
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