(I)
They say there was a young man in pursuit of happiness.
He sought it in knowledge, and searched for it in wisdom.
He desired to see the light, and to quench the darkness.
He sailed across the seas, and traveled through kingdoms.
(II)
He dined with the princes, and haggled with the rogues.
He saw misers with riches, and mendicants in plights.
He consorted with the diligent, and dealt with the drones.
He desired to quench the darkness, and to see the light.
(III)
The tortured young man - he strove to find an answer.
Why are there contrasts? Why love and why hate?
Why peace and why war? Why mercy and why anger?
Why light, why darkness? Why pleasure and why pain?
(IV)
He realized we find meaning in the multitude of things.
We witness what is wrong to appreciate what is right.
Frost bites our limbs so we miss the benevolent spring.
And the darkness looms over so we wait for the light.
__________________
He could not quench the darkness,
For t is there for the greater good.
It came into being to beautify the light.
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140,373 Literary Works • 673,126 Reviews
This is good! I really like the idea behind it--that we can't blame or get rid of bad things, because they emphasize the good. The part in the beginning about the guy traveling and visiting people was confusing, but I really liked the end. It's a very interesting commentary on good and bad; sort of down-putting (because, like, we can't get rid of bad stuff) but also happy because it reminds us that there are happy things, too.
That's very sweet of you!
Hey Necobella
I enjoyed this piece quite a bit. I think that it was very creative and a nice little story too. I do think that you could have put more into each stanza. Maybe put something about the darkness and light inside of us? I don't know, just a little something extra.
I think that the ideas you presented were engaging, and you got them out there really well! Especially the last three lines - if I was pressed to choose, I would pick these as my favourites (although you need to capitalize the 'i' in the last sentence). So yeah, kudos! I think you did a wonderful job here. If I had to pinpoint something you could make better, I would probably suggest putting more emotion in. As I said above, there's something missing and I think that's what it is. The topic was - admittedly - not directly related to you, but to produce a powerful piece I belief that you have to relate yourself to it through word. You have to pour yourself into every line so that you shine through the words. You have to really feel what you're writing - because if you don't care that much then it's hard for us to get a huge impact from it.
I tried to help, but really I'm nitpicking to find some bit of advice. I stand by what I said though - it's a really nice poem and I have no problem with how you did it (it was done really well), I just think that to make it stand out you have to make it powerful. And the best way to do that is to give yourself over to it, let the words flow from your feelings.
Hope I helped.
Yours in ink,
TS.
Thanks for your review
.
Actually, the poem is more like a philosophical approach to why we suffer and why everything has a polar opposite (happiness and sadness, light and darkness...etc). That's why it seems devoid of emotions and self experiences. But I have to admit that you really helped me
I know, I'm sorry, I might have nitpicked :') and no problem! Any time
You weren't nit-picking. You helped me alot
Thank you