z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Tale of an Itinerant Storyteller

by NecobellaTor


(I)

A hefty warrior,

A man of might,

A galloping horse that did not fear death.

He subdued the foxes.

He struck the lions.

They shivered and trembled in their sinister dens.

(II)

He saw a damsel,

A token of charm,

A fragrant bloom watered by a divine spring.

She enchanted his eyes.

She captured his heart.

He shivered and trembled as he heard her sing.

(III)

She lured the warrior,

She possessed his soul.

In humiliation and submission he found his bliss.

She betrayed his trust,

Convened with his foes,

And they sentenced him to despair and distress.

(IV)

Fettered in manacles,

Shrouded in gloom,

The warrior stood amid disdainful cries.

Ruined by love,

A pathetic buffoon;

For passion and desire immolated his eyes.

___________________________________

As the pitiful man died in his chains,

The pitiless damsel lived in disgrace..

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Tue Feb 02, 2016 6:35 pm
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Hannah wrote a review...



What I liked best about this poem was that it made me want more details. I wanted to know a little more about the motivation behind each character. I thought the interaction between the two of them was interesting, based mostly on this line: "But in humiliation and submission he found his bliss". I thought that was the most telling of his character, unless I misread it. Was he aware of the fact that the "damsel" was bad? Did he somehow find pleasure and fulfillment in being made weak by her, when he'd been a strong warrior throughout the rest of his life? I'm wondering if you also wanted to share more about their history and personalities.

One thing I would say you could pay attention to and work on would be the meter of the longer lines. I would get a good rhythm going through the first two short lines, and then get lost in the long ones, which never seemed to match one another. I know it's a very, very hard thing to get lines to not only match in natural rhythm but also rhyme, so I am sure that you worked hard to get what you have now, but to allow your audience to read through it naturally and easily would be the best result you could get. I say work toward it!

Finally, I would like to say that I really appreciated the physicality of the first stanza. There were objects there: foxes, lions, and horses. The rest of the stanzas seemed very vague. Is there a way you could bring more physicality to them? For example, you mentioned "disdainful cries" -- from whom are those cries emanating? Can we see them in the poem?

Thanks for sharing. If you have any questions about my review, feel free to reply here, and I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can.

Good luck!

Hannah




NecobellaTor says...


Thanks for your review :D.

Actually, this poem is a retelling of the story of Samson and Delilah. I'm sure most people know that old chestnut :D. It is a 'secularized' folkloric tale drawn from the pages of the Bible. That's why foxes and lions are mentioned In particular.

Concerning the third stanza, Samson finds pleasure in humiliation and submission because he let Delilah tie him and cut his hair. It has been argued that the sexual-romantic relationship between Samson and Delilah was sadomasochistic. Sexually, Samson enjoyed submitting to his 'dominatrix' and letting her control him. That's why he agreed to let her tie him, and that's why Delilah asked him about the secret of his strength. Romantically, Samson was obsessed with Delilah and let her trick him four times. He gave her false answers about the secret of his strength for the first three times. In those three times, the fake sense of physical bondage has induced a real psychological bondage in Samson, causing his pleasure.

A man of sound judgement would have connected the dots and known from the first two times that there was a conspiracy between Delilah and Samson's enemies. Whenever she tied Samson, his enemies would break into her house and try to arrest him, but in vain because he still had his superhuman strength.

Love and blind desire clouded Samson's judgement. That's why he let Delilah trick him for the fourth time. He told her that his long hair was the secret of his strength.

She tied him again, she cut his hair, and then she called his virulent enemies. And his enemies finally arrested him. That scene evokes Leonard Cohen's celebrated song 'Hallelujah':-

"She tied you to her kitchen chair,
she broke your throne,
she cut your hair,
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah"

Samson's ''Achilles' heel'' was his heart. He saw a beautiful damsel, and that beautiful damsel fooled him with her irresistible charm.

The fourth stanza is a recap of the aftermath of Samson's arrest. He stood in the temple in the middle of the disdainful, sarcastic cries (shouts) of his enemies there. His enemies blinded him by gouging his eyes out. But if we go deeper and deeper, we'll find that it was passion that blinded him. Hadn't he fallen for Delilah, hadn't his judgement been clouded by passion and desire, he would not have fallen in the hands of his enemies and they wouldn't have blinded him. Yes, it was the fire of passion and desire that burned his eyes.

The last two lines deviate from the actual story which tells that Samson regained his strength and brought the temple down in a suicidal attack that killed him and his enemies.

I preferred to use vague language to make that tale appear more general and more flexible. I wanted people to fill the empty gaps themselves without any help from the narrator. I wanted them to read the poem and interpret it in their own way.

Concerning the meter, It is not a priority in the poem ;).



Hannah says...


I hope the explanation of all that was useful to you!

It is fine to have your own intentions in writing and crafting a poem. Just remember that the audience may not always receive it the way that you want, and the purpose of reviews is to get a glimpse of how the audience receives it so that you can edit or make changes to your poem in order to receive the desired effect as much as possible.



NecobellaTor says...


The main message of that poem is that love sometimes can be unhealthy, humiliating and ruining. And reviews do help a lot, actually!

Thanks for help!



Hannah says...


I guess my point is that when you publish a poem, you don't get the chance to go in and explain the allusions of the poem or the main message of the poem afterward. So while that might be useful to me to understand it now, you may have to work to make sure the message stands on its own. I thought that it was pretty clear in this poem. I thought there were also some things you could potentially make better!

Good luck!



NecobellaTor says...


Thanks :D



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Tue Feb 02, 2016 12:21 pm
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi NecobellaTor, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Theme: You have presented a classic theme with a nice twist. This time the damsel isn't in distress and she doesn't fall for the hero, instead she betrays him and breaks his heart. I love that you made it into a story. I really like story poem and I know how hard they can be to get right, so I must say that you did a really good job. Well done.

Description: You did pretty well when it can to the description. In this poem I feel that you really shouldn't go over the top with the description, but the you also shouldn't go to little and I think you got it perfect. :D I especially like the first stanza, because you give the hero a sense of power by making the readers see that the fox and the lion cower before him. :D

Grammar and punctuation: (But In humiliation) There is no need for (in) to be capitalized.

Small suggestions: I do have one suggestion. In the first stanza you use fox to create a sense of power, but a fox is fairly small when compered to a lion, maybe use a more power full animal. Just a suggestion though. :D

Overall a great poem and I look forward to seeing more of your writing. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend Felistia. :D




NecobellaTor says...


Actually that tale is inspired by the story of Samson and Delilah, Samson is said to have 'subdued' foxes and used them against his enemies ;)



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Tue Feb 02, 2016 5:56 am
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themanofstars says...



Thought of reviewing it but can't cause its perfect and did i say its awesome.





Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.
— Corrie Ten Boom