I want brutal honesty! Candy-coat nothing, my dear reviewers!!
The phone rings for the umpteen-thousandth time that day. I pick it up; knowing it will be Max. “What do you want now?” I shout angrily into the receiver. “Umm… to say good morning?” the voice on the other end does not belong to Max but to my best girl friend, Roxy.
“Oh, it’s just you,” I say, relieved.
“Just me?” comes the response. “I’m sorry, Samantha. If you don’t think that highly of me, I just won’t call next time.” Roxy can be really annoying and so very touchy.
“No, wait! Don’t hang up. I was just expecting Max…”
“Ooh. Maximillian…” She is suddenly interested. It figures, considering what a flirt she is. “What have you two been up to? You would make such a cute couple,” she sighs.
“Ok, first. Max + Me= Just friends. Got it?”
“If you say so…” she says quietly.
I roll my eyes even though I know she can’t see me and continue. “Secondly, what do you know about the news on Chanel 11?”
“What are you talking about?” she asks like I’m crazy.
“The news! You know, the thing? With the…?”
There is silence on Roxy’s end as she tries to make sense of my gibberish.
“You know what? Forget it. Just come over to my house and we can discuss it face to face. I hate talking on the phone.”
“Alrighty-Dighty!”
********
When Roxy rings my doorbell, she is dressed in a rather skimpy outfit. I look at her skeptically and she just giggles and shrugs. “I thought maybe you’d invite Maximillian over. Since you don’t want him, I figured I’d have a go at it. Is that okay with you?” I glare at her.
“Relax. I’m just kidding. What I really want is to hook up with his gorgeous friend… ooh, what’s his name?”
“Are you talking about Finny?”
“Yes, Finnegan! I ran into him the other day at that cute little café on the corner of River Mill Drive. Did you know he works there? Anyways…” And I do relax a little bit. It's nice to know that someone else still lives in blissful ignorance.
“Are you listening to me? Hello?” Roxy has realized I am no longer listening. “What? Did you get lost in la-la-land? Thinking about Maximillian, perhaps?” She just laughs.
I smile, amused. “Roxy,” I change the subject, “why do you do that thing? With the names?”
“I call people by their whole names because it keeps life interesting. How many times must I tell you this? Now, what have you got to drink?” I think she does the name thing to revel in the fact that Roxy isn’t short for anything like “Roxanne.” She likes to stand out.
“There’s soda in the fridge; just help yourself.”
“Don’t I always?” She laughs again and heads to the kitchen.
“Come in here when you’re done and I’ll show you what I saw this morning. I recorded it.” I head to the family room and turn on the news. She comes in with a Root Beer in her hand and sits down and watches with me. When it’s over, she is silent for a moment. And then she just laughs, hard.
“That is the biggest pile of crap I have ever seen. You called me over to your house for that?”
“I know, right? I figured you could use a laugh.” I don’t say what I’m thinking. That I actually believed it. Even if only for a split second.
Max had to believe it though, or else he wouldn’t have called me. What is going on?
The phone rings yet again. God, this house is as busy as Disney World on a Free Admission Day.
“Hullo?” I use my best monotone, the one I save for those really annoying telemarketers when I want them to leave me alone.
“Hey, Sam, it’s me,” Max sounds breathless, but not in the good romantic Ooh-I-have -just–decided –I –like-you-too-so –let’s-go-and-make-out way. No, Max was merely breathless in the I-have-just-been-running-long-and-hard-so-I’m-sweaty-and-stink way.
Roxy follows me to the phone. Who is it? Roxy mouths at me. Max, I mouth back. She gets all girly and tells me to put it on speaker.
I don’t.
“Hi. Um, listen, I’m sorry about—”
“It’s fine,” Max interrupts, he doesn’t just sound breathless now. There’s something else there too. Urgency? “Listen. We don’t have a lot of time. My phone’s dying and I need—”
“What’s he saying?” Roxy hisses at me.
“Shh!” I hiss back.
I continue talking to Max, “We? Who’s we?”
“Me and Finny!” I can hear the exasperation in his voice. “Sam, I need you to drive over to the mall. Finny and I are—”
Now Roxy is reaching for the phone. She grabs it and we yank it back and forth until it finally rests between us.
“The mall? What are you doing there?” I interrupt again. I suppose I should just let him finish but something’s not right. Max isn’t usually like this. Normally he gets way off topic when I interrupt, but right now, he sounds calm and determined, but also kind of scared. He’s making me worried and I don’t think well when I’m worried and I tend to write huge, run-on sentences like I’m doing right now because it is more than probable that I am, at the moment, freaking out.
“Samantha! Will you please just shut up and listen to me? I need you to come to the mall. Finny and I are hiding in-- *huge crash*-- Sporting Goods. *lady screaming*-- need weapons and supplies. *more crashes and screaming and general chaos*-- Just—Oh my god!”
I hear him talking to someone on the other end of the line; then he comes back to me abruptly. “I have to go. Help, Samantha. We need you. I need you.”
There is a click and the line goes dead.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
As promised, I came back for more.
Usually chapters describe a particular event, but it seems like chapter two is doing the same thing that chapter one is, so perhaps they should be merged, or chapter one should be expanded.
The lack of adults is also becoming an issue. You might want to think of a reason for their absence (perhaps there is a gun show on the edge of town and everyone wanted a new shotgun?) or maybe there was a chemical accident that knocked the adults out and simultaneously caused zombies to rise from the dead? It doesn't necessarily have to make sense, the story doesn't take itself too seriously, which gives you some creative license.
I think the "*sound effect*" might be a little awkward for those that aren't familiar with it's use; I'd try expressing it in complete sentences to see if there is a more "proper" way of doing it. If the proper way just muddles things, then you can always switch back to the stars.
Hello, I'm Cirque and I'll be your reviewer for today.
Bold: Words that are not needed.
Green: General Comment.
Red: Grammar or spelling mistakes.
Overall: Pickle in a whole that was great! I absolutely loved it! I mean it was action packed and I was on the edge of my seat for the whole entire time. You have to write more, you just have to. I'll go zombie on you if you dont, really I will!
I agree with Snoik, much much better. I think perhaps you should mention that the zombie turning didn't happen until, like, an hour prior to 3pm, so that it would be reasonable that (I assume Sam lives in a removed suburb of town) there weren't so many infected around the suburbs of town just yet (which would explain how Roxy managed to get to Sam's house without passing any dead people).
I'm glad that you've decided to jump straight into it now, the end of this page is about 2-4 pages in a novel depending on the font and font size, so this early second grab (the first was with the foreshadowing) really makes the reader want to read more.
Keep up the nice writing. Zombie apocolypses can be hard to write. I suggest playing a little Left 4 Dead, watching Dawn of the Dead (though really, your writing style is like Shaun of the Dead, which is awesome), and reading Tomorrow When the War Began, because John Mardsen wrote this epic series of a bunch of teenages rebeling as their country was invaded, which is what your story is, I imagine, going to be like.
Most of all, have fun writing this, or the enthusiasm will die.
-JaI
Woooooo! This is much better! Loooooove the cliffhanger at the end! Now it's like, "What the hecks happening?!" Much, much better!
The only nitpick here is Roxy... I want to see her more involved! I would have her bugging Sam throughout the phone call, just her being flirty and Sam pushing her away... if that makes sense.
BUT. Don't worry about editing too much... you should definitely write more!
Lol, once again I can't really say anything because I'm retty sure everything you did was purposeful. Like leaving out the zombies for the entire chapter, I think you did that on purpose. Ohhh, I'm no good at reading paradoyish things like this...I'm confusing myself. o.0
~Jasmine
Hey EA! I'm coming back for more!
I want more insanity! You teased us in the first chapter with the threat of zombies and this kind of seemed random, like there were no zombies involved! I want to see Samantha interrupt Roxy and be like, "Hellooooooooo? Didn't your hear the news?" After all, if there are zombies around, even the threat of them, she should totally burst Roxy's bubble. And then... more insanity!
That is not to say that you can't have Roxy be a total flirt. But I want more action too.
So yeah. Make it more action-packed and meaningful. Get this rolling!
ALSO. This story reminds me of a sort of combination of "Time Warp Trio" and anything by Gordon Kormon, plus zombies. A good thing, trust me!
I like the style, but I think they are being too cynical. Where are the adults/siblings? How far do they live away from each other than they can get to each other's houses and not pass any people?
Are the zombies in the same town? Why wasn't the army called? Why was there a ditzy blonde announcing this to the world and not a top scientist? Is this the first day of the infection?
I really enjoyed the first paragraph and a bit on your first page. It really set the scene, but what followed kinda let it down.
I don't believe that your main character's actions are realistic as she is way too loud - who shouts on the phone like that? I think you've overdramticised her.
Looking forward to how this ends
- Jai