Published June 20, 2010
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Very nice poem. There aren't a lot of science related poems on YWS (or in the wider world, for that matter) and yours works very well. There are a couple small things that bothered me, though.
The first was at the end of the opening verse "and the curved waist of the cathode hangs/still//and waits." In all the other verses you have several medium length lines and then a short line, whereas in this verse you have the medium lines, a short line, and then another short line. For me, the two quick stops breaks up the reading of the poem too much.
Secondly (and this is, admittedly, a nitpick) but I feel there should be a comma, not a semicolon, after "hungry/and tight").
You've got a really nice voice in this poem, slightly cynical to my ears, and with a little polishing this will be very good.
Still, I did put this in my anthology of geeky science and math related poetry. So yeah... might not be your best, but I love the love of science and how it put physics into a poetic light. If it makes you feel better, there are scientists looking for these sorts of poems to publish.
Thanks Kylan, Snoink.
My turn to say why this is going to be tossed - it's all description and no story, not until the very end. That's, well, boring. As fun as it is to write, as fun as it might have been to picture the imagery, it's neither new nor memorable. The ending makes you wonder - slightly - but by that time it's too late. The photoelectric effect sort of takes over the untold but hinted story of the lonely scientist in his lab getting enjoyment out of the wonders of physics. I wanted that story to resonate in the reader's mind, long after the imagery had finished, making them realise that the imagery was nothing but a show. Unfortunately, the lead up to the end is such - as Kylan, you've correctly said - that there's no bang, just a quiet acceptance of events. Not the intended effect.
On a personal note, since this was written more for the love of physics than the exploration of human relationships, I really don't think I could do his story any justice in a halfhearted rewrite. Which is why it's most probably going to go.
LASER. Ha.
Sort of a boring opening, when compared to the rest of the poem, until you get to the word "lovetongue". Actually, that's something I've noticed from you. Your introductions are a little weak in the knees at times. As in Nine. They don't open with the kind of dynamic and flashiness and weight that I look for from you. Now, "lovetongues" is great. And "curved waist of the cathode". Lovely images. They do their job right and draw me into the poem.
Sinuses of wire! Yes! Beautiful phrase. "Fleshes and frequencies fumble" is great alliteration, too. Don't you just love alliteration?
The rest of the poem is fine, but it doesn't blow me away. There's nothing wrong, but nothing right, either. Except for your closing two lines. I like that. Your conclusions are always class. I guess what I'd like to see more from you is weight behind each and every word you write. I don't want to see a single word or phrase that isn't contributing on the same level of sophistication as the others. There's just nothing special in this collection of lines. You're just kind of coasting us to the end, instead of dropping us off the side of a cliff like you should be.
Other than that, I'm with Snoink. Science poems rule!
-Kylan
OMG. A physics poem. That automatically makes me happy. Maybe even too happy!
I am going to skip over the glee of electromagnetism and poetry (it totally fits... TOTALLY) and just nit-pick on two things... or one thing, rather. Your short lines aren't good. They seem gimmicky, like you're trying to make it more exciting by adding a different format, but it's already quite exciting as it is, so all you're adding is a cheese-factor.
But that's it. It being a physics poem makes me pretty gleeful... especially since it's on my favorite subject in physics!