So, I'm thinking of starting a Merlin story, but I need advice.
What do you think about the beginning like this? What are your other thoughts?
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I am lying in my fluffy featured bed when the guard storms into my dorm.
“Princess, we are under attack.” he blurts out.
I step out of bed and start wearing tight armor and my crown. I run outside and look around me everywhere. People were in panic. I take my sword and slice through the evil monsters that invade my kingdom.
I look at the iron gate and see that it’s trembling as a horde of men are pushing against it and shaking it. “Commander Strickler, guide the people to a safe passage. The gate won’t hold any longer.”
The commander hesitates for a moment and says, “But princess, we need to get you to safety, without you this kingdom is nothing.”
I stand on my word and say, “The people go first.” There are men that brutally kill my people. They look like wild dogs that haven't been released in years now. It is all so much for me, but I can’t show any fear. I have to stand strong. I can’t just stand there and watch as my kingdom is being torn apart.
My guards are all in combat fighting the “monsters” one by one. It looks like we didn’t stand a chance, there are too many of them. As a guard is running by, I stop him and ask, “Where are the archers?” The guard looks at me, fear fills in his eyes and says, “Your honor, I’m sorry. They murdered them, all of them.” I am shocked, all of them? We had two thousand twenty nine archers. All of them are dead now.
I join the fight and start fighting off the men one by one. I know my sword is sacred and it will help me, but for how long will I be able to hold it off? I wish my father was here.
I see my people running, they’re grabbing food and water bottles. They’re grabbing their children and running with them to the guards I've put in charge. I am fighting as many men as I can, but it isn’t enough. It looks like they are coming and coming. It isn’t stopping.
One man held a woman from my kingdom very tightly by her hair as he stabbed a blade through her husband's heart. The husband's blood spat all over the woman as she screamed and tried to get herself loose. He laughed wickedly and grabbed her by her neck.
I walked up to the man and tried to stab him with my sword, but he quickly reacted and held a blade against the woman's neck.
“Put it down!” he commanded me, “Now! or she dies." I looked at the woman. She looked back at me and said, “Don’t do it, your honor. Run away!” The man looked at me as his dreadlocks fell onto his face and smiled viciously, leaving all his yellow black teeth exposed. “Princess,” he said and grinned.
“I am not letting you die.” I said to the woman and just when I was about to lower my sword a guard came from the back and stabbed the man. The woman fell onto the ground hugging her dead husband's body, sobbing all over. I nodded to the guard as he left again and then I knelt next to the woman. “You need to get inside, it’s not safe here.” I said to her, She looked at me, her eyes filled with tears that washed her face dreaded with blood. I closed her husband's eyes and said, “You really need to go now.” The woman stood up and grabbed her long skirt as she ran into the castle.
Suddenly, the gate is falling down.
No! Not our gate. The gate falls on half of my guard group. I rush towards them and some of them are holding the gate, I join them and hold the gate also. “Stay strong, my people! We can do this! "For Camelot!” Everyone looks at me and says, “For Camelot!” We try to pull the gate up, one of my guards has his foot stuck there and the metal is cutting through his flesh. He screamed out, I can’t help him. “Faster!” I say.
Someone stomps me on my head with a big lump of wood and I lose control. I start feeling dizzy and all sound around me disappears. I look around me and see my guards being teared down one by one, their hands and feet are getting cut off. They’re screaming, but I can’t hear it. My head hurts very much and I am trying to walk but stumble and fall. I frown and feel my head burning. I touch the back of my head and feel warm liquid, I look at my hand and see blood.
Someone grabs me by my hair and takes my crown off. I am being dragged by my hair on the ground over dead bodies and dirt. I can’t fail! I tell myself. I try to bite his hand, but it isn’t working. I get dragged in front of the commander of the horde of men. She lifts my head, “Stand up!” She commands me. I try to lift my feet, but they give up. I fall to the ground once again.
She lifts me up and holds me by my neck. “So your Princess Arthura, I’ve heard so much about.” Her grip is crushing my windpipe, I can’t get any air inside. I try to loosen her hand, but the more I struggle the more she tightens his grip. “Not so princess anymore are you? You’ve failed, Arthura Pendragon. You failed your father, your mother, your brother, your people and your kingdom. You're only seventeen and you already failed this miserably. “Let my people go! This isn’t your land, Morgana!” She spits in my face and says, “It is now.”
She takes Excalibur and stabs me through my back and twists the sword. I feel the blade piercing through my skin. She drops me on the floor with my crown next to me and crushes it with her feet. She laughs wildly and says, “Camelot is ours! Victory is ours!” I see my people crying, wailing, sobbing. I don’t know what to call it. I see my guards getting down on their knees bowing to the enemy. I want to tell them not to lose faith. But I failed. I failed everyone, my people, my father, my kingdom and myself. I can’t save anyone anymore, everyone is done and gone.
A tear rolls down from my left eye as I am breathing out my last breath with the thought of how miserably I failed.
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First off, fantastic beginning! You get right into the action, something even experienced writers struggle with. However, I have a LOT of suggestions, so hang in tight. Some of these may be a bit sharp. I will try my best to stay positive.
(I have this problem too. You are most certainly not alone!)
"'Princess, we are under attack.' he blurts out." I think it should be "Princess, we are under attack," he blurts out. (Omitting the period and using a coma instead)
"start wearing tight armor and my crown." This is a bit of an awkward phrasing. I suggest using more of action words like "I slip on my tight armor and grab my crown" for instance. (Not that you should use my words exactly. I'm just giving a suggestion:))
You also have a few tense errors. "look around me everywhere" in present tense in one sentence and then "People were in panic," which is in past tense. I suggest trying to read it out loud. The tense errors will sound a bit weird, but will be easy to fix.
Also, I feel like the monsters came in a little suddenly. Maybe mention when the guard comes in that there are also monsters. Also, I feel like the power of the sword and the sword itself should be introduced a little earlier. But I do like the sword feels scared. What a unique detail!
Your descriptions are very vivid and graphic. I like that a lot. It really shows the brutality of the people the princess is under attack by.
Another thing I really like: Your main character's motivation and disappointment in herself. I really liked how you did that. And the age of your character matches well with your character's actions. Good job!
Also, this is totally your choice, but maybe add her name somewhere?
Let me know if any of this didn't make sense, and you need clarification.
Overall, I really liked it. Especially your descriptions. It's obvious you put a lot of thought into it. And I would totally go for this if it interested you.
Good luck and happy writing!
-Kaia
Hi @KaiaJersaga


Thank for the review and the suggestions!
I'm happy I'm not the only one struggling to keep myself to one tense.
About the name: Arthura
So, I thought A lot, A lot, A lot of people know the wizard, Merlin and the whole legend around him with King Arthur and his sacred sword, Excalibur. That's why I put her name Arthura, I wanted people to like recognize the fact that she's King Arthurs daughter.
But This does not work out so well as I imagined,
Thank your for the lifting spirit and motivation! I think I'm definitly going to continue it and try and make some of the things more clearer.
- Rinisha
Absolutely. Glad to hear it helps!

Oh...okay...King Author's daughter. That's cute how she's named after her father! I love that. That's so cool! And I'm sure this story will be great when you are done. Happy Writing!
-Kaia
Hello, this is Foxmaster!!!🦊
Well, this was very interesting! I just hope this isn't the end because I hate when stuff like that happens.
The first two lines are very interesting how it shows that out princess has a ton of luxury but also fights for her kingdom. I just feel that this last paragraph is pretty rushed there, I feel like you should describe when she's getting ready and the "Monsters" because when I learned they were actual people I was very confused.
So, in the first paragraph change that to:
for the second part, I am wondering: is her father dead? How is her sword sacred?
Where'd they get the food/water? Did some one pass them out?
Where did they get the wood? And how do you stomp someone with wood?
That's all! I cannot wait to continue this, as it was awesome! It was so compelling!
-Foxmaster
hi @foxmaster
About your questions:
Monsters: I did mention in the story that they were men acting like wild dogs who hadn't been let out in years.
Her Father: Yes, her father is dead. IDK if you know the King Arthur legend with the sacred sword Excalibur, but it's based on that yeah. (Netflix had a serie called Merlin, but now it's gone) King Arthur Pendragon was her father, that's why her name Arthura.
Food: I don't really have an answer for that. I'm sorry.
Wood: The horde of men were wild and they fought with everything, such as wood, axes, swords, knifes. Just everything. And they just kinda slammed the lomp of wood very hard against her head.
Thanks for the tips! I hope I could answer your questions!
- Rinisha
thank you for the explanations!
Hi, quick review for your story!
Woah. That's all I can say. This is a really well-written piece, super descriptive, captivating, and exciting. The first thing I loved about this was that the princess actually went down to fight for her kingdom instead of her guard saying something like, "Go flee, princess, to an obscure location where you have a ton of luxury and food and water!" This immediately shows that Arthura is a very brave and strong character, and not cowardly like other princesses in fairy tales.
The second thing I liked about this was that the first time Arthura talked about the men who were invading her kingdom, she had said "monsters" showing how cruel and inhumane they were.
Then there was the part in which Arthura had to choose between surrendering and letting the woman live or not surrendering and her dying. The fact that she had said, "I'm not letting you die," even though the woman had told her that she should let her die. This again shows what kind of person she is, and that she is kind and would surrender for her people.
The last thing that I really liked about this was that she was able to empower her people to push the gate against the horde and not let them in.
If you were to change anything, I would say that at the end, where she says,
You could explain a little how it isn't working. Is his hand too far away? Had she lost her strength so she was too weak to lift her head? But if you don't want to change that, that's fine too.
So ultimately, this is a really good beginning, and you should definitely continue this story!
hi @LuminescentAnt
Thank you so much for your review!
I'm happy you like it, your review is so full of positivity.
Thanks for the tips also, i'm surely going to look at it again.
i will consider if i write it further!
TYSM,
Rinisha
By the way I forgot to include this in the review, but I think you should use a different name than Arthura because it seems like it's just Arthur with an a. But if you want to keep it you can too, that's just my opinion. I mean, the author of "Twilight," (Stephenie Meyer) her dad, Stephen, named her Stephenie spelled like that because it was Stephen ie, so anything's possible.
Hi @LuminescentAnt
Thanks for the thought!
I'll think about it, any suggestions maybe?
It's just that I wanted people to recognize the fact that she's Arthur Pendragon's daughter, (because actually she's my made up character in my fanfic. Arthur has no daughter actually.)
Hi Rinisha,
For the name I don't really know, maybe a name that means one of her traits or something.
Yeah I actually didn't know that Arthur was her father, only that he was related somehow, so maybe you can put somewhere like when Morgana talks to her or something like she says, "You failed your father, Arthur" or something. But you can just keep the name, it's fine.