Those scars around her eyes,
Remind him of sleepless nights,
And days that went sightless,
She had a face, with all the seasons of the world,
And all the reasons to fall in love,
Like, eyes as deep as a greenish-gray lake,
Lips caressed each other, soaked in her own tears,
As cold as a desert, as beautiful as an autumn,
Spring just around the corner, life waiting to be nursed,
Everything around her just put on a hold,
And he loved the illusion of having loved her,
Or having not met with her at all,
And days that went sightless
-Myers
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Another way would be to make it more personal by using “I” and “me” "you" and "your".
Those scars around [your] eyes,
Remind [me] of sleepless nights,
And days that [I] went sightless,
You had a face, with all the seasons of the world,
And all the reasons to fall in love,
Like, eyes as deep as a greenish-gray lake,
Lips caressed each other, soaked in her own tears,
As cold as a desert, as beautiful as an autumn,
Spring just around the corner, life waiting to be nursed,
Everything around [you] just put on a hold,
And [I] loved the illusion of having loved [you],
Or having not met with [you] at all,
And days that [I] went sightless
Thank you for a beautiful advice, actually there was nothing mutual between both the characters so that is why I couldn't make it personal. I am kind of trying to remember her that is why i used "Her" instead of "You". Had there been something personal, "You" and "I" would have made this poem perfect.
Hi HnM,
Very visual sort of prose poem here. I really like the last line. For me personally, the theme is a bit overdone, but there are some nice images and interesting uses of metaphor. "She had a face with all the seasons of the world" is an intriguing line, I'd like to see you play more off of that image.
For nits, you've used the comma incorrectly in some places:
"those scars around her eyes" - no comma
"remind him of sleepless nights" - no comma
Maybe a period or a stop after "days that went sightless" in the third line
No comma after "she had a face"
No comma after "like" - in fact, cut out "like" altogether
"As beautiful as an autumn" is there a reason why you stopped the line there? It doesn't make sense. It should be "as beautiful as an autumn spring" and then just go right into the next line.
Cut "just" in the "everything around her just put on hold" line
The lines "And he loved the illusion of having loved her or having not met with her at all" doesn't make sense to me. Does he love the illusion of having loved her or the illusion of not having met her? You need to reword this.
So putting all my suggested revisions together, your poem would read something like this:
"Those scars around her eyes remind him of sleepless nights and days that went sightless.
She had a face with all the seasons of the world and all the reasons to fall in love.
Eyes as deep as a greenish-gray lake, lips caressed each other, soaked in her own tears.
As cold as a desert, as beautiful as an autumn spring just around the corner,
Life waiting to be nursed,
Everything around her put on hold.
And he loved the illusion of having loved her,
And days that went sightless."
-Dream
Thank you for the detailed review.Things you've pointed out make sense, tho I might not be able to explain what I want my readers to see, at least not yet.
In these line "As cold as a desert, as beautiful as an autumn,Spring just around the corner, life waiting to be nursed," I wanted to show that the expressions on her face used to be as cold as a desert, yet it did have the beauty of an autumn like everything is dying in this season. But if you'd give it another look, her face would seem like spring is eagerly waiting to come out of hiding and beneath all that life was put on a hold like everything was around her. I hope, I am explaining it as good as I can.
In these lines "And he loved the illusion of having loved her, Or having not met with her at all, And days that went sightless" what I've done is that I am playing with the timeline, I usually write like that,, go back in time, try to remember everything about her, and bring myself back to contradict. so the line "And he loved the illusion of having loved her" is when i go back in time, in the line "Or having not met with her at all" I bring everything to present, in the line "And days that went sightless" its again about past and present, like an illusion.
Please feel free to ignore my advice, it is not meant to offend you of hurt you make your poem seem bad demean it, or criticize however brace your self for impact regardless of my warning. That said . . .
1. What I liked
Okay I loved how real this is. How the passion and feeling shines through. It was actually pretty good.
2. Flow & Style
All proceeding advice are just me. Feel free to totally ignore them and leave this as is, and deem this as needless.
Let's tackle these two lines:
Remind him of all the sleepless nights,
And of days, that went sightless,
First of all try removing all the, from all the sleepless nights. From the secant I'd try removing and of. See?
Remind him of sleepless nights
and days that went sightless
See the difference?
All right thats all I hoped it helped.
3. Encouragment
This is amazing work. Keep on writing
4. Overall
Over all I really loved it, and I think it was amazing.
Thank you so much for taking the time, i did get your point, and that like does look better now with your addition.
And I won't ever mind anyone's review, how harsh it may look, because I've come here to get as much help as possible :')
Your welcome. I bet u will get help alright! The good thing about YWS is that unless you have mature non violent words, you'll get reviews quick!
I appreciate your encouragement. I'll appreciate your review on my other poems as well. Thank you again
You are most welcome! Glad this helped!
Wow! This poem is so good, you are such a talented author! May I ask where you got inspiration for this? I hope to read more of your work!
Thank you so much, there are a couple of other poems I've wrote recently, will publish them soon.
the inspiration, well, I saw someone about 7 years ago, all my poems either describe her or my agony. I read one of Keats' poem during bachelors, and now I write what I didn't get to say.