Published July 7, 2010
When Harri was born, she didn't cry, she didn't yell, she just lay there in the arms of the nurse, and looked around. Her huge, blue eyes sparkled with wonder at the world she had found. She turned her head as she was lowered into the arms of a beautiful woman, whose hair was crimson brown, and had eyes as dark as coal. The woman's face lit up as she looked down at the small wonderful creation.
"Your name is going to be Harri, and you are going to be the most special little girl in creation" the woman whispered.
"Scar, it's time" a huge, bulky man had entered the room and was standing at the foot of the bed staring at Scarlett and the small bundle she held.
"I can't Casp, she's too perfect, I can't let her go" Scarlett cried. Caspar shook his head, and walked around to the side of the bed. He placed his hand on her head and stroked her hair.
"Scar, you know you have to, you'll see her again, you know you will, but right now, you need to let her go" Caspar sighed. Scarlett was holding Harri, rocking her and sobbing. Carefully, Caspar took Harri from her arms and handed her to the nurse, he took her to one side and explained their 'story' and why they couldn't keep Harri. The nurse nodded and whisked Harri away. Caspar turned away and looked at Scarlett.
"You made the right choice you know, it's for the best" he said patting her head.
"I know, but she's so beautiful, what if she doesn't remember me, when the time comes?" asked Scarlett looking up into the stony grey eyes of the man she loved.
"She will, trust me, she will" he promised, he kissed her forehead and told her to get some sleep. Scarlett did as she was told, as she knew, the next morning, they would both be gone, leaving Harri behind, and when the time came, they would be back to help her along her journey they both knew would come.
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140,963 Literary Works • 673,790 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is getting off to quite some start here...it seems that we've got ourselves a story being kicked off with a birth, which is actually fairly rare, but is even more intriguing as it seems that this child isn't necessarily a normal one. It certainly makes things a lot more interesting to start off on here.
Well...that seems like a very interesting nurse too, I have no idea if this is some perfectly normal reason that happens all the time that I just don't know about but somehow I don't quite think so. I feel like there's a lot more going on that what meets the eye and it makes things very interesting.
There is a rather lovely sense of impending doom and also things to look forward to on that particular ending. I think it would work really well as a bit of a prologue here and you've certainly written something that can get readers wanting to read on and find out more. Overall, you've got a pretty neat piece here and I think this rather mysterious and open ended nature you've used here by not mentioning any reasons for anything makes this so much more interesting and leaves us asking a lot of questions about what this could all possibly lead to.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello Unique! I caught tons of punctuation errors.
Red-Corrections
Blue-Comments
Okay, it's a good start. Just something that made me wonder, wouldn't Scarlett be a little more upset that Harri was being taken away from her? Other than that, it was good. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way, that's not my intention. (:
Ignore Card over there. Very good piece of description you have there. I can see this happening myself. I just wish I had a better Idea of the time period... maybe describe their cloths a little? But, of course, that can wait until chapter 1... The only problem I have is with your dialog. Remember, you need to either have a comma (most common) or a period (sometimes considered incorrect, usually by English teachers) within the quotes at the end of everything said.
Hope I helped a little ^0^,
~otaku
Does this story have a point? Yes, Harri is going on a journey to find her parents to go on an unknown Quest.
Is it original? Yes it is original enough. In truth you're going to have a hard time fitting all those monsters in....
It is also good to include about at least two characters that she should travel with. Still it is your decision to have a very
long book.