Published January 9, 2014
In Everything
Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
A storm of
gum wrappers (I’m talking about the stuff that comes with the cheap colorful ones the grocer hands you instead of change) risk being
unleashed(I tell you: These fierce riots, doesn’t matter regarding what, known by their low barometric pressure, cloud blanketing, rainfall, and possibly lightning and thunder, hold a special place in my heart; I constantly squeeze a reference appertaining them at places even where it is unnecessary)
within me. When it does, no matter how much
my skin protuberates and then perforates with the force of
a thousand gum wrappers attacking
as if they are in line (not, online) to buy the limited tickets to
this metal concert everybody
will be dying to go, I shall keep this to myself.
I saw you today with your friends, playing the game
you all play when you are around
people. You are all giggling and laughing and joking around and teasing the ones who are present and backstabbing the ones who
are not. I’m the ogler at the corner of the picture staring at you like you are chocolate fudge ice cream with three kinds of sprinklers on top and a caramel wafer piped in.
I can’t keep this to myself.
You make a face
that your friends interpret as confusion, that you don’t know
shit about what I’m saying, that your responses (=“What Gum wrapper? What are your talking about?”) are enough for me to contemplate that you’re not interested.
Your side-kicks make me look like an
endangered species captured by smugglers,the way they snigger.
You went away with them, putatively thinking I’m pathetic
or something. No worries; I would wait another day to
inform you of my lyrics. Remember only that
these wrappers that I talk about hold surprises. (Mainly stickers of anime characters inside. But, even so, I am trying to pretzel this information into a good enough metaphor.)
I think I like you.
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
This is simply intriguing. Gum wrappers! Who would have thought that gum wrappers could shed any light on love.
Really well written piece, I absolutely enjoyed reading it. Good Job.
I liked this line: You are all giggling and laughing and joking around and teasing the ones who are present and backstabbing the ones who
are not.
I thought it was very well thought out. It seemed like there were a hundred different thoughts cramped into one little poem and yet it was all about gum wrappers. I guess I should appreciate those wrappers more the next time I purchase some gum
I've read this repeatedly: both with enthusiasm and intrigue.
This is a strikingly unconventional piece -- the abundant but effective use of parentheses, alongside the thematic motif: gum wrappers.
If I'd tried to go to sleep after reading this, I would have tossed and turned all night. The gum wrapper thing is such an enigma, but only in trying to place its significance within the poem. And that's where the beauty is; it doesn't quite belong, and THAT (at least, as I conclude) is its significance. It's seems like a symbol for how awkward the narrator must seem or feel there watching the object of her affection, and how she perceives those feelings themselves. Maybe this is a new experience for her? Maybe she's insecure about (again, maybe) her liking a guy that seems so oblivious and disinterested.
In general, I just get the sense of a vague discomfort....i still haven't quite figured it out...
I do love your wording. I love your diction. I love the figuring of language overall -- a swirling and whimsical combination of awkward pretty things. Amusing, bemusing, and very well-crafted.
I really enjoyed reading this (hopefully I guessed well enough at the meaning...either way, it was fun interpreting this...).
By the way -- why do grocers substitute gum for change, anyway?
Wow - great title! I had to read and review just after seeing that alone.
And the poem is great - I love the verboseness of it, the completely random asides which somehow all come together into one great big sticky amalgamation of emotional goo - which you then undermine wonderfully with that FABULOUS last line!
I love how you portray the obsessive nature of the narrator here, and the descriptions of the peer group are spot on:
"I saw you today with your friends, playing the game
you all play when you are around
people. You are all giggling and laughing and joking around and teasing the ones who are present and backstabbing the ones who
are not."
Also, how you get across that 'outsider status' is so REAL:
"I’m the ogler at the corner of the picture staring at you like you are chocolate fudge ice cream with three kinds of sprinklers on top and a caramel wafer piped in."
and furthermore, I love how you relate it all to sweets again, to that kind of oral gratification which is just kind of innocent and yet full of longing. If that makes sense? Well, it worked for me.
Another great phrase, I thought, was :
"I am trying to pretzel this information into a good enough metaphor"
Amazing use of 'pretzel' there - hats off to you for that. (I am quite envious, in fact, haha!)
Spotted a small typo with: ''What are your talking about?" instead of 'what are YOU talking about' - but really, nothing much else to pick holes in.
Maybe think about some of the line breaks in places - sometimes they seem a little random, even for the stream of consciousness type flow here, but all in all - GREAT write. Well done!
Oh my God, you're brilliant. This is brilliant. You're a genius and I salute you.
I think you would be better off by naming a brand here, or being more specific. I've never had the cashier give me gum wrappers or gum instead of change, but I'm not going to worry about that part. Also, I don't know if the grocer is handing you gum or gum wrappers. Make sure you're clear about that.I love all your asides in the parentheses; they make more of the story than the actual story. Usually a use of long lines would make my skin itch, but here they work because your tone is so wonderfully whimsical that, hey, why not have your formatting be whimsical, too?
The end is fabulous. It all winds up with the sidekicks and the walking away, up into this simple line that you've been trying to say all along but couldn't have: "I think I like you." Excellent.
That being said, there are a few suggestions for improvement that I would like to put forth.
Now that is quite a line. I think you should shorten that one a bit because I got lost in the forest of syntax and lost sight of the stanza road, taking a left at the trimeter instead of the diction (see, I made a joke there). Perhaps use this shortened version instead (I've trimmed off the fat, so to speak): "These riots, known by their low barometric pressure, cloud blanketing, rainfall, and possible lightning and thunder are dear to me; I squeeze unneeded references into every conversation." It's just a suggestion, but I think it's a good one (of course I do, I'm the one that wrote it).
Change "does" to "is" because we're talking about something being unleashed. Something "is" unleashed, not something "does" unleashed.
You have already said that you have a storm of gum wrappers inside you (metaphor), and this makes it sound like you're making a simile. I'd change it to something else because you shouldn't make what you used for a metaphor previously for a simile (especially so close to the first time you mention the symbol).
Remove that comma. It doesn't belong there.
Add "to" after "go." Unless I'm wrong. I am from the Midwest, and we have a nasty habit of putting the wrong parts of speech at the ends of sentences. Do some research on that revision before you put that into effect.
While I like your whimsically long lines, there isn't really anything whimsical about it. Cut out the extra in this line before it gets boring. Try this: "You tease the present friends and backstab the absent friends, giggling."
I think you meant to type "sprinkles"?
You're not using "contemplate" correctly there. Try saying "recognize" instead. Contemplate is more like thinking about something for a long while as you stare off into space. Here, you're looking for a word that means "understand," not "think," though "think" is often used to replace "understand."
"side-kicks" should be "sidekicks"
"snigger" should be "snicker"
So, uh, even though I'm an English major, I had to look up what "putatively" meant, and I'm pretty sure that you're using it in a way that is not quite correct. I'd look into that if I were you.
Take out "that I talk about" because we know what you're talking about at this point.
change to "anime stickers"
That is one of the best lines I've read all night (and I run a poetry blog). That's so good.
In conclusion, you're brilliant and whimsical, but you should still work on unneeded words and the exact meanings of the words you're using. Also, make sure you don't miss any typos! I hope this review proves helpful to you. I'm Magpie, and you can contact me with your questions about anything, really. Nice work. Happy poeting!