We're young,
We want fun,
But some say,
We work like a jerk.
Over speeding is the new trend,
As told by my friend.
Parents always stop and warn,
But who listens to their useless morn,
Can't manage to be called a wimp,
Whether it may result in a limp.
It's feels so cool while driving,
As everyone turn their heads to see who's arriving!
Refreshing becomes the mood,
When hear ourselves, called cool dude.
God made everything for a reason,
Same with our bikes accompanied by rainy season.
We won't listen to anyone,
God sent us with a life, which is only one!
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,854 Reviews
Wow!!! Hey!!! It's time for a review!!!
I really liked this poem. Where did you come up with the idea for this? It is like nothing I have ever heard before with really is a good thing! I really like how you referenced God in your poem it gives more power to the poem. This really does describe how teens think which I think is really great. Keep up all your good work! Can't wait to see what else you write!
Hey..
D
Thank you so much for your kind words..
People like you keep me motivated!
Sorry for such a late reply!
Hey there, Muskan. I have to warn you: this is going to be harsh, but bear with me. I want to help you.
Let's get started with three suggestions.
(1) Get rid of the rhyming.
This, quite honestly, doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense in terms of rhyme scheme, in terms of plot, in terms of linguistics... it just doesn't make sense. I'd suggest removing this altogether. What does working have to do with driving? And "jerk" should be plural in this case. This is so obviously a forced rhyme, and it reflects on the entirety of the piece by itself. That's why I think this rhyming is holding you back. It gives this piece a distinctly distasteful, unsophisticated feel that's way too over-the-top to be really entertaining.
(2) Watch out for structure.
This poem is physically hard to process because some lines are so long and some are so short. Compare, for instance,
and
It's really quite awkward and makes me think that minimal effort was put into this.
(3) Get a beta reader.
I think this may not be your first language, and that's totally fine. But I'd advise finding away around this problem--for instance, get a beta reader. They can be online or in person, but it's great to have a short-term editor for your poetry, especially if this isn't your first language. Plus, you can help them and they can help you--everyone wins!
--
Anyhow. Please think about my comments. I enjoyed this poem, but I feel like some of it felt wrong.
IronSpark
Hey, ChocolateCello here!
Okay, so I don't have a lot to say, not even sure if this can be considered a review, but here's what I'd like to point out.
I'm always picky when it comes to titles. They represent the work quite a bit. If a title looks sloppy, then someone who is trying to find something to read is likely to assume the work is going to be sloppy as well. Your work was well put together so I feel that it deserves a better title. First off, I wouldn't end your title in an exclamation point. There's nothing to be exclaimed. Also, 'over speeding'? Speeding is speeding. I don't feel that the 'over' is needed. Finally, capitalize the important words. (The basic title rules. First word? Capitalized. Last word? Capitalized. Every word that isn't a connector? Capitalized.)
"But some say,
We work like a jerk."
Okay so here we have a problem. Imagine that the lines are labeled 'A B A B, etc." Throughout the entire poem, you put something in line A to rhyme with something in the next line B. This, however, is the exception. You rhyme, ("work like a jerk"), but it's not in the correct format. You need 'work' to be in line A, not line B.
Other than that, I enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello
Hello there Muskan! The Silent Bagpipe here to review some of your work...
First off let me just say that I liked this poem, even though they weren't my reasons for speeding at all but they were still some peoples reasons. When I speed its usually because 1. I am late
Or 2., and most commonly for me is that I like to speed with the windows down and music up on back roads with no one around. It makes me feel free.
Your poem was cute and unique. I don't think I have ever seen a poem about speeding xD Good job with it!