Her life was colourless! All filled with sorrows! There was none who had been with her! But after all what made her continue? A little shining hope for better future. Yes, this was baby Myra, a nine- ten year old. Who she was and where she belonged to; none knew. On a beautiful morning she was spotted in a street of Ahmadabad. Her torn clothes and miserable condition was a proof of how she was living. Maybe being in a new place was what made her hesitate to talk to anyone. But as the hours passed by she spoke up. I also owned a small shop in that very area. I had been continuously observing her since morning, and she had been seeing those delicacies that were served to my customers. At last, I couldn’t stop myself and went to her. She stared at me for a while but the loneliness could be seen in her sparkling eyes. I gave her some biscuits to eat and tea to drink, and to my surprise it was all gone within few seconds. Days passed by and we both became very familiar with each other. That sweet girl, that beautiful girl never expressed her sorrows and was always a joy to talk with. Every day she used to come and eat with me. I gave her a little space in my house to sleep also. We had become the best of all friends. She meant a lot to me.
Suddenly, after many months, there came a black day when I could not find her anywhere. I searched a lot for her but got no results. I inquired a lot of people if anybody had seen her. But I was not answered back in affirmative. I was very tensed and soon filed a complaint at the nearby police station. Even the cops tried their best but came empty handed.
Days passed by and one night I saw her on my doorstep. She was crying, she was not able to speak up, but her actions and eyes spoke it all. I was so moved and was so sorry for her that I hugged her. I just could not see her dreadful situation. I just wanted to know! Who? How? When? But her shivering hands didn’t let me open my mouth. The whole night we were together. She slept in my lap and I was helpless. The next day, I noticed that a man who owned a shop nearby mine was looking at her cunningly. I immediately understood everything. After a lot of efforts Myra could speak up against the man in front of the police constables. He was arrested and imprisoned. After a few months I got married. Without any doubt I and my wife adopted her! She is now MY DAUGHTER! MY PRIDE! I educated her and she did exceedingly well. Today she is 29 and is an IAS officer and most of the people know about her life. I believe that the circumstances she dealt with is the reason why she is so brave and courageous today. She can speak up today. No one knows that who her parents were but I know is that I am a proud parent of a beautiful, young daughter. And the pinch of hope she carried is the reason why she has been successful. All I want to say is that have faith in your children and never leave them alone. They can’t do anything wrong till you are with them!
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Marvellous story! It shows that goodness still exists in this world and that, among many selfish people, there are those who’ll do anything they can to provide a better future to the unfortunate ones. It was a heart touching story, and I was disappointed when it ended all too quickly. You brushed over a lot of the essential details/descriptions, which could have helped slowed down the pace of your story and connect the readers more to your characters. For example, you could have showed us their first ever conversation.
I’m sure I might sound fussy here, but exclamation points are meant to be used sparingly. Here, they didn’t have the sort of effect you had hoped for. Instead, it sounded as if the narrator was too excited. Plus, the last sentence needs rephrasing as it’s awkwardly worded.
Try:
Her life was colourless—filled with sorrows and misery. She had no one, not even a family.
Did you see the impact of these sentences without the exclamation points?
I felt that these sentences were not necessary. The readers can conclude the “moral” of the story themselves. There’s also a sudden shift from first perspective to the second, and that kind of threw me off. If you really want to leave the sentences in there, you should expand on it a bit more, so it doesn’t feel like the story has ended abruptly.
Well done, and keep writing!
So sorry for such a late reply.. But ya, thanx for your suggestions. I'll surely work upon that.
No problem! Glad I could help.
Oh my freaking goodness.
Hey! Happy Review Day!
Roeckercody here for a review!
Just holy moly. I have never cared this much about characters so quickly, in a very long time. Instantly felt a connection to them.
And my goodness is this both heartbreaking, and sweet. I mean the father is such a loving and considerate and compassionate human. So proud of what he did for little Myra.
Pobre Myra. God. I wanted to cry. The fact that this little girl had her childhood ripped away from her like that is sickening. I know how horrible that is. My cousin does as well.
I am so glad that justice was served because I would be sick if he got away with it. Although, I know that would be just as realistic, sadly. This story hits home for me. I could share, but its not the time or place. Maybe I'll write a story someday.
This story means an immense amount to me and I just thank you for writing it. Its always nice to see a good ending to a sad story now and again.
You wrote this well, and it is raw with emotion.
Again, thank you.
Please continue writing. You have a gift.
-Cody
Hey Cody,
First, I am really sorry for replying you such late.. And thank you so much. I never thought that my work could ever connect so well. And it's really sad to listen about your cousin. How can people be so nasty! God bless him.
Thank you again!
Hi mate! Iggy coming at you with a review.
First off, consider removing all the boldness you got going on here. My old lady eyes are overwhelmed, which made this hard to read. Nonetheless, I will try.
Onto the nitpicks.
This is a oddly-formed sentence. It reads funny and it sounds funny when spoken aloud. I would reword it. Also, be more clear. Who is "her"? Why is this significant to the story?
for a better future*
This won't work. She can't be nine and ten at the same time. If you mean to say that she is nearly ten, then say so and remove the nine. It will save your reader some confusion.
Cut the indicated. There's no mention of anyone owning a shot prior to this sentence, so the "also" makes no sense.
While it's a good synonym, "inquired" isn't the word you want here. Go with "questioned", it makes more sense.
"Affirmative" also doesn't work here. Remove it.
Tense*
Go with "missing people's report" instead of "complaint".
Assuming nothing is physically stopping her from speaking up, this doesn't work. She can, she's just choosing not to. Reword this.
Don't tell me, show me. How? Is he upset? Relieved? Happy? How so? Is his breath caught in his throat, tears springing in his eyes, making them sting? Is his heart in his stomach?
"Cunningly" isn't what you think it means here. I think you'd rather have "lustfully" or something of the sort.
Okay, so this was a beautiful story! I only have two big complaints:
1. Imagery. Emotion. Depth. Where is it? Your main character meets this homeless girl and comes to care for her so much that he adopts her. You only show us the general details of the story. I feel like this was more of a synopsis than a story. Where is the action? The detail-details? What moments do they share that make him love her as much as he does? Show us this, or we won't ever understand why he felt the way he did. She obviously means something to him -- now make her mean something to us. We can't feel anything for her if you don't give us something to feel for.
2. Towards the end, you glaze over her rape. In fact, you don't even mention it within the story. Don't do that. You left it so broad that if I hadn't read the story's summary, I wouldn't have known she had been raped. There's a number of things the guy could've done to her that would've gotten him arrested -- assault, stalking, threatening her, etc. You glazed over his arrest as well, so we never were really told why she went missing and why he was arrested. Don't do that to your reader. Tell us the whole story.
And that's it for my nitpicks! I hope they helped. This truly was a beautiful story and I enjoyed reading it.
~Iggy, for the Earth Kingdom
Thank you Iggy! I will surely ponder upon these things the next time. Your suggestions mean a lot. Thank you.
Hello,
Happy review day! This is such a cute and heartwarming short story and I really enjoyed reading it. I'm not sure what your goals for this piece are, whether it is to keep it as a simple flash piece or expand it into something longer, but I do think that there is a lot here that you can work with.
I think what I like the most about this is the idea that sometimes, having a profound impact takes only a simple gesture- in the case, the courage of the narrator to adopt the girl and take her has own. There's a deeper story somewhere deep within here about overcoming obstacles that I want to know more about, which is why I was wishing that there was more to this story than the three paragraphs. Maybe, in a revision, you could take us to a significant moment in the girl's adult life, and the father reminisces on how she got there? Just a thought. It's already profound enough to make an impact.
Best of luck!
Thnx a lot for your encouraging words.. your suggestions r very valuable.. I'll surely write the second part.. thanx again!!
This was indeed a heart - touching excerpt with a deep hidden meaning...
The start was remarkable and can intrigue anyone to carry on reading...
Thank you! Your appreciation means a lot!
haha excuse my spelling mistake though %uD83D%uDE05