I stand in the balcony, where the strong winds are bracing me. After such a long time, I can feel the cool-peaceful mind. Somehow all the disturbance and agitation has stopped and I look forward to the new turn, the life is going to take. I don’t know whether I was right or wrong but it was definitely for my own good. This is how it all started.
It was the first day of the school. I was excited about everything a student of VI grade would be of; new bag, books, uniform and so many other things. Morning came and I woke up by a soft sweet kiss of my mom on my forehead. “Good morning beta! It’s time for school. You need to get up now. It’s the first day and you shouldn’t be late”. “Yes, mom” replied I. Soon gathering everything up, I left for school. After a few minutes’ drive I was encountered by a huge glass building (too big to be a school). “All the best, dear” said my father bidding me goodbye. I went in. As soon as I entered the corridor, I could see a plank with VI E written over it. The spark ran all over my body. I went inside and sat with an unknown girl, ‘Anisha’ (I came to know the name afterwards) because she too looked like a new student who was all nervous like me. “Kya aap mere friend banoge”? (Will you be my friend?) were the first words exchanged. The whole day went by meeting new people. Slowly our bond strengthened. There were times when I used to die to go to school. It was so much fun. If ever I had to take a leave then, that day would prove to be worse than the hell. Friends- they were the lifeline! So many secrets, so much to talk about, everyday new topics would be there. The talks were endless. The unity and co operation our class showed was one in a million. Boys and girls were a single unit. Even the teachers encouraged us; the life was like a pleasant dream.
But as it is said, with good time comes bad time too. I had to leave the school
due to some family problem. For me, it was like separating from my soul. All my
requests to stay back were denied.
And lo! I landed
up in my native town, leaving my people there. After few days I was admitted in
grade VIII. But this time, even the first day’s excitement wasn’t there. There was
nothing which is worth writing. Days passed by and my conditions worsened. I wasn’t
able to cope up with the situations. For every other thing, I would compare the
things with my previous school. Crying after coming back from the school became
a daily routine! Every time I tried to co-operate with anyone, it paved a path
for new problems. Everyone took me to be a disastrous girl. Once, a teacher
said, “Ever since the girl has entered our class, our bad fortune has started”.
The words hit me hard. Every day I used to talk for hours with Anisha in order
to feel more secure and to feel her presence. The conditions got worsened when
helping a boy was taking against my character. I never thought like that maybe
because of the environment I had been living in.
With the same slow pace, time moved. Now I was in grade X. By this time, I had
grown to be a typical introvert, which actually wasn’t my personality. I remember
the time when my buddies used to say, “Okay, now shut your mouth. It’s been two
hours that you are speaking shit”! And I used to stare hard at them and then a
tight hug was given. But here, there is no topic to talk about to anyone. And then
they say, “You are too rude to talk to”!
It was the last day of the school and I got a chance to speak to the class (I
just couldn’t resist my feelings) “Hey guys! I hope you people know me as for
the past three years we had been studying together. I couldn’t make friends
with anyone. No one! I don’t know what the problem is, but this is how the
things are. You took me rude that was okay. You take me to be an introvert who I
have grown up to be, is okay. But today
when you doubt on my character that is your conservative thinking and it has to
do nothing with me. You people are too small to learn the meaning of friendship.
For you the relation between a boy and girl can only be of love! And then,
rumors. OMG! I was in this relation, in that relation. Have you guys ever
thought of your sisters at my place? Will you tolerate these things said about
your sisters? I can’t understand what you are looking for in me? I want a free life.
To be here, is like to be in a prison, under 24/7 surveillance. I can stand it
no more.”
I went back to my seat, picked up my bag and left. I don’t know what happened
after that, whether they realized it or not, all I know is they were watching
me with open mouths. And yes, I am happy; at least I got the guts to face them.
So this is my story- ‘Muskan’s story’. I don’t know whether I will get to meet
these people again or not, (I don’t want to) because from tomorrow life will be
very different in a new city. I don’t know if I did the right thing or not,
maybe I could have accepted the things as they were, but no! I have learnt to
speak up for the things I know are untrue.
My behavior completely depends on the people around. And yes, I am a product of
circumstances, people who know, will understand me. And the ones who don’t don’t
even need to!
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Yeah, that's definitely relate-able and a strong, vivid opening. I'd say its definitely right, unless it came amongst circumstances that harmed another person. Strong winds bracing like how, I wonder - may be a good place for a simile.
I've never seen anyone refer to a grade with a roman numeral, its just a stylistic perspective but I'd prefer text. And if the main character is going up to middle school, I'm not sure how they'd think it was "right or wrong".
I don't know any sixth graders who are excited about the books x_x
Not sure if that was intentional, but I find it odd that the narrator was talking to his mom one second, then his dad is the one dropping him off at school. I mean, even if you want to show the reader that both parents are present, dads dont usually call their kids "dear" I think x_x
This is a really strong paragraph that shows you're capable of vivid, powerful writing. It has a certain emotional feel to it that really strikes me as well done.
I guess what you're trying to say is good times never last, which is true from a pessimistic standpoint, I guess.
Now this is extremely confusing. I don't know what the family problem was. I don't know why they wanted to stay back or even what they mean by that, and I don't get why they skipped a grade.
Now they're a writer all of a sudden, ok ._.
That's really sad, and I'll expand on this at the end of the review.
That's terrible for any teacher to say.
Again, no idea what you mean by this.
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This is an awesome, emotional speech. A lot of power in it, but I think the build could've been a bit better.
Overall: This isn't the most poised piece of writing ever. Oftentimes it comes off as a blog entry, which is understandable as it is obviously a very personal anecdote. Furthermore, the pacing is strange and all over the place, which makes it a bit difficult to follow. Nonetheless, your goal was for this to be relate-able, which you definitely succeeded in. The act of having to move and no longer fitting in, or just in general being nostalgic for a better, happier time is something everyone has been through, and it would be imaginably difficult to not feel sympathy for the narrator after what the teacher said. Although the speech was powerful and I enjoyed it, I don't recall the class doing anything to wrong her. So what I would have done for the speech is either actually have the class provoke her by bullying or rejecting her like the teacher did, or actually have her give the speech TO the teacher who said “Ever since the girl has entered our class, our bad fortune has started”. Would have made a bit more sense that way.
The story and message are phenomenal, so if not for the shoddy writing itself, I'd easily see this being on the front page. I'd work on polishing it up for sure.
Hey!
I'll surely ponder upon the things you told.. So nice of you.. I thank you for all things u liked.. And someone working to modify my things to make it better, is really good! Thanks a lot.. I won't disappoint you the next time.
Hello, I am here for a comment/review, whatever it ends up being in the end.
First of all I loved the title. It caught my attention for some reason and I just wanted to know the story.
Good developing of the plot, and I'd have to agree with Annie on something, at time the word choice makes it confusing, so work a bit on that, nothing to worry about.
I liked the speech very much. I agree with you that no matter what we should always stand our ground.
People will judge us, leave us aside, but that doesn't mean there's no way around.
I can say that I really like the message your short story conveys.
Keep writing!
All the best,
Andrijana.
Heya!
thank you so much.. I'll definitely work upon the wordings the next time.. Thanks for reading..
Yeah, sure! It was a pleasure!
Hey Muskan! Overall, I liked your story! I do think like anniegirl123 wrote, that the story is worried a little weirdly at times, I was a little confused about what you meant. However, I think if you read it out loud you might be able to catch some of those mistakes. I did like your detail, overall I thought it was a good story, just a few nit-picks to check out! Good job'
Hi!
Thank you for reading... And yup, I'll work work upon that.
Hey! Annie here for a review!
In this sentence ,"I was excited about everything a student of VI grade would be of," first (unless it's important to how your story works) using roman numerals is more confusing than simply using numbers. Also, adding of at the end feel a bit unnecessary and also makes the sentence slightly confusing.
Another small problem is that you're supposed to start a new line after each dialogue. For example, instead of “Good morning beta! It’s time for school. You need to get up now. It’s the first day and you shouldn't be late”. “Yes, mom” replied I.
It would be easier to read as:
“Good morning beta! It’s time for school. You need to get up now. It’s the first day and you shouldn’t be late”.
“Yes, mom” I replied.
Over all the plot was very interesting however it felt awkwardly worded which made it confusing in some parts. But I really liked it. Keep writing!
Hey!
Thanks a lot for your suggestions... I made sure to start a new line after any dialogue, but somehow it didn't come up to be like that! No worries.. I'll see to it the next time.. Thank you for reading.