Edited version!
This is the tale of a girl known as Dancer.
Ever since she was small, she danced.
Her parents and loved ones were in awe;
they knew she was special.
Every day of her life, she danced.
She danced in the night, the day,
in school, at home; everywhere.
Dancing was her life, her passion.
But her peers and classmates,
they thought differently.
They ridiculed the girl, exiled her.
They isolated her because she was different.
Dancing girl, they would call her,
in mocking, taunting tones.
She would spin around and around,
trying to hide the tears in her eyes.
One day, when Dancer was thirteen,
she went about her normal activities,
promenading up the school's hall,
pirouetting through the grass.
Like all other days,
Dancer was teased and laughed at
by her classmates.
But this day was different.
Today, her dances took her somewhere abnormal:
the top of the school building. She looked down,
one hundred feet down, and saw miniscule bodies,
buzzing about the campus. For a tiny second, her world seemed to freeze.
Someone noticed. They called, "Whatcha doin' up there,
Dancing girl? Trying to show off?" She backed up, took a
deep breath and began to twirl, her feet
moving about the roof, hair swinging in rhythm.
A crowd began to form. Dancer kept on twisting
and turning, round and round. Her parents
showed up. "Dancer!" they cried, but
she was distant; it was too late.
Dancer's movements began to increase in speed.
She took a final dancing step and
fell off the edge, a motion that
she had planned and hoped for.
Dancer was a beautiful, talented girl, they say.
The peers apologize for harassing her now.
And no one will ever forget
the tale of a girl known as Dancer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not my best work; tear it to shreds! I love the story and want to improve this poem!
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139,647 Literary Works • 672,640 Reviews
Granted I've only written two poems in my life and they were forced by the man, a.k.a. the education system.
Though...
I liked it. It had a very story-esc feel to it and less of a poetic feel, but then again my view of poetry is limited, although expanding quickly (thanks YWS).
Very good, in the sense of the story, since that's the only thing I can criticise.
And it made me laugh, in a good way, envisioning her:
awwww. I could have cried at that. she killed herself.
but anyways. good poem, nice flow and it sounded more like a short story than anything.
But still, good poem, nothing to critique about. keep up the good work.
and next time, tell us the sweet girl is going to die:)
I agree with Erica; it seems as if this poem could be a short story. Of course that is what narrative poetry is all about. Although i have a feeling that if you put a bit more effort into your rhythm you could turn this into a magnificent piece.
Overall the story was great, but could use some more description.
Keep up the good work!
~Poem
I love it but, i would almost like to see this as a short story rather than a poem. Then you could add a lot of detail and it would be really cool. Otherwise I love the story, even if it is sad.
I've posted the edited version! Thanks for all of your helpful comments.
This style was interesting but, it gives more of a story feel. The plot was intriguing. But, you could use more descriptive words. Also, show more emotion. This was very well written. Just fix the phrasing and add more detail. I loved this piece. *Gold Star*
*Evi alert*
Rhythm:
Rhyme:
Meaning and Word Choice:
Your storyline is, I agree, what is holding this poem together. However, it happens to be the only thing holding this poem together. Without a structure, rhythm, rhyme, or other means of tying everything up in a neat little not-so-happily-ever-after, you have to rely solely on your message.
The dreaded nit-picks.
*puts on reviewer cape and swooshes in dramatically to review the heck out of poem*
Awww. Youu didn't warn me that the poor girl would die! Now everyone on YWS can blame Music for turning Evi into and emotional wreck.
Alright, so, this certainly was different! Kudos to you on trying free verse-- however, I feel the duty to warn you that I am not particularly talented in reviewing free-form poetry. However! I shall still give it my all.
So, yeah. It's free verse. I get that, and I'll respect that, but I will warn you that while the rules* of free verse are much more lenient than the rules of rhythmic, rhyming poetry, there are still guidelines that can be followed.
(*rules: not concrete, and don't absolutely have to be followed, but are generally considered by most poets when writing)
For example, Colts picked up on the line length. I don't think that it's really an issue, but that is one thing to keep in mind when writing free-form; line length (or rhythm) is one way to tie together a poem when the poem doesn't have rhymes to tie it together. You can use a more steady rhythm in poetry to enhance your flow and make the poem seem smoother to the eye and the inner ear as your readers read it to themselves. Again, this doesn't mean you need to scrap the entire thing and try to establish a steady rhythm, but it's just something to consider.
Or lackethereof. I just feel obligated to put a tab on this, although you do not use it. So. Moving on.
Aha! Here is where I get to try to be of some assistance.
What does this mean, Evi? Well, it means that to pull off free-verse you've got to have a killer poem. Which means killer word choice. Here, you did have a lovely/melancholy little story going on, but I think you could have made it a bit more interesting by spicing up your word choice. For example, you use 'spinning' about a million bazillion times. (Seven, to be exact. XD) What else is there? You don't have to describe her circular motion so often; if you like, describe her curls bouncing as she turned, or her feet elevating to point. We get that she spins. We get that she's shunned. Now, make us interested. Make us care.
Hehe, not quite that easy, is it? Of course it isn't. But what fun is writing if it all came easily?
Aww, what a wimpy little line, Music dear! You can do so much better. Since you have no restrictions on line length, spruce this up a bit! Does her heart stop? Does the world freeze around her? What about the sky darkening to an ominous gray?
Rather redundant, don't you agree? We realize that her parents thought so highly of her. we realized that with the first sentence. In the second stanza you're talking about her dancing everywhere-- you don't have to mention her parents again.
So, there is me reviewing the heck out of your poem. I didn't have too many nit-picks because most every line was fine on its own-- it was more the whole concept/idea that I wanted to make points on. I think that your main issue here is making us really care about what happens to Dancer by making the poem more interesting. If you just take out the stanzas and line it up in prose form, you'd have a very boring paragraph, wouldn't you? A poem is made a poem by poem-y things such as elegant words and flowing phrases and emotions that pour from the author's soul.
Good luck, m'dear, and I hope I helped. ^_^
~Evi
Wow....that was amazing for only ten minutes! I might go take a peek at your old work to compare. *nods*
Good job though on trying to focus on something else, just be careful not to focus too much. I focus too much on my commas and end up showing commas errors more than I would have if I didn't focus.
Thanks. In my other poems I've posted, they rhymed and had line lengths I was careful about. For this one, I focused more on the story. I really didn't pay any mind to the line lengths.
Anyway, thanks for your input! I want to improve it because although it's probably the most poorly written out of all of mine (and my first time doing free-verse!), I love the story the most.
And actually, after thinking up the story, I wrote it in about 10 minutes! I just didn't want to mention it. Too late. Haha.
Hello, I'm Colt...
First thing I want to say is be careful with the beginning. I wouldn't dare phrase my opening line like yours, I don't like 'this is a....about...." beginnings. Not saying it was all bad.
Next, there some errors in there on the line lengths...I'd watch that carefully.
There were stylistic devices, even repetition in the punctuation. For the first few stanzas, it went line then a comma, line then a period, line then a comma, line then a period. I liked that.
Lastly, most poems don't use dialogue. And you used it pretty effectively! Just be careful on formatting.
Bravo, good job. I can see you must have worked hard on this.