Musicaloo7311 wrote:Anyway, I came up with some random lines off the top of my head.
Then I'm going to advise throwing this away right now. Submitting "random" thoughts and bragging that you won't do anything with the edits is extremely disrespectful to readers and reviewers.
But since you did post and I'm here...
Beauty flashing in the night
Wondrous images of starlight.
This is forced. "Wondrous"? If that's all you've got - and it looks like it is - then you're feeding the reader a bone after removing everything that might have been on it. What does "wondrous" even mean? A single word, especially one as tired and vague as that, cannot replace an image. Describe the stars or leave it completely vague without straddling the middle uncomfortably as you're currently doing.
Same for the first line of the poem, by the way.
Wishes pass before my eyes
All my wants I visualize.
"Visualize" is an ugly word that doesn't connote anything past...itself. Would you say to a lover "I visualize your beauty in my mind"? Scrap it, change it so that it actually sounds a little poetic.
(Not saying that one can't use "visualize" in poetry at all - several poets have done so successfully. It sticks out painfully in your poem, however.)
Then I wake,
And my heart begins to ache
Aching hearts are cliched, and doubly so when you do not add anything else to support or crystalize the concept. These descriptions are hazy and don't reflect much other than some romantic ideal that is not relatable with the reader.
Because the world that seems
Is just a fantasy of my dreams.
By emphasizing the point that the world only "seems", you already made it clear that it's a dream - or, at the very least, not as real as one would think - and so the last line of the poem is unnecessary.
And really? A dream? Considering that you said you write prose, you should have known that one of the first rules of good writing is never to end something with "But he woke up, and the adventure was all a dream!". Somehow you thought this was a good idea to apply to poetry; it isn't.
Your rhyme is awkward and forced throughout - rhymes don't exist for their own sake and are usually meant to help the flow of the poem or to convey a thematic idea using the words themselves. The rhymes in this poem are neither and simply there "just because", and it shows. My advice for future poetry is not to try such rigorous rhymes until you have the basic concept of poetry (imagery, meaning, word choice, etc).
On a smaller criticism, the content is also boring and has been done hundreds, thousands, and I'd guess hundreds of thousands of times before. However, the reason why I won't make such a big deal about that is that many good poems use cliches, but present them from different persepctives or in different ways. So even though this poem had nothing to add thematically, keep that in mind.
Overall: Since you did say to rip it to shreds, I understand you won't mind when I say this poem really can't be saved. Try using my suggestions for future pieces, though.
Hope that helped.
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