Young Writers Society

Hey!

I thought this was an excellent short poem. Just one thing I saw wrong witht the first oen and you fixed that in the second one so i won't mention it. The only thing that bugs me just a little was the last line.

"To unlock my pressuring cuff?"

I think it sounds a little akward. It may just be me though because no one else seems to think so. *shrugs* Well, keep up the awesome work and hope to see more of your writings.

Hey there!

I thought that although this was rather simple, you managed to convey the message well and also, it's something that everyone can relate to.

Between the two poems, I think I also like the edit better than the original. It sounds much better and the flow is smoother (like erica mentioned above).

I'm looking forward to more! Good work, keep it up! ^^

I think the edit is better, the flow of it is smoother and it isn't repetive.
No nit-picks. It is very nice and has great meaning. well done.

Hi! I do like the edit much better. I only have one problem and it's with the last line:

to unlock my pressuring cuff?

Hey there Music! I won't be much of a help on this one.
I only have one suggestion: turn perfect to perfection. I think it flows better.

Sorry, it's short. And not helpful...

Anyway, see ya!

*Kat*

I think the edited version does flow better. It is simple and to the point, but well written too. You can immediately relate to the subject of the poem, the pressure to be perfect, or close, and it is easy to understand. Nice job!

I think both are very lovely. You carefully chose your words and the poem wasn't so long that it lost it's point. My favorite thing about it was it's tone.

music_lover_7311 wrote:Perfect is just a word,
But it causes so much pain.
Pressure, yet another word
That I look on with disdain.
Aching, I criticize myself,
Because I am not good enough.
When, oh when will I be able
To unlock my pressuring cuff?

EDIT:

Perfect is just a word,
But it causes so much pain.
Pressure, yet another
That I look on with disdain.
Despondent, I criticize myself,
Because I'm not good enough.
When, oh when will I be able
To unlock my pressuring cuff?

Does anyone think this sounds better? I took suggestions from both the comments, and I like it better.

Hey Music ^^ Shina here. I think the edit does sound better. I think the only error you have is capitalizing the first letter in each line. You only capitalize it if it's the beginning of a sentence. Make sure you fix that.

Overall idea of the poem. It definitely sounds poetic, the true meaning not surfacing itself, rather, being mysterious. It's pretty good, but it's a bit brief for me. It's sort of too quick to explain everything. Remember that when you write with a few words that those few words can say all that's on your mind. That's all I have to say for you! Keep it up

Hi, great poem by the way. Pretty much somes up the life of a teenager!

You could replace "Aching" with "Despondent"; but I think you'd probably want to change "I am" on the next line to "I'm" to make it fit, so I'm not too sure.

You could maybe also, on the seventh line, put a comma after "oh when" (When, oh when, will I be able) so it reads slower - giving the ending more effect.

Other than that though it's a great poem. Maybe you could expand it and make it longer?

Sorry if the reviews not that great - it's my first one!

Perfect is just a word,
But it causes so much pain.
Pressure, yet another word
That I look on with disdain.
Aching, I criticize myself,
Because I am not good enough.
When, oh when will I be able
To unlock my pressuring cuff?

I really enjoyed this.
It's the kind of poem that I want to cup into my hands, because I can relate to it so well and it uses so little words to perfectly describe an idea. I really liked it.

I guess I should say a few critical marks now:
still they're more of suggestions
on this line:
'Pressure, yet another word'---you take out the 'word' at the end, instead of repeating it from the first line.

And I can't put my finger on why, but I thought this sentence 'Because I am not good enough'
was sort of awkward with the feel of the rest of the poem and the word 'aching' in that line may not have been the right or could've been replaced with a stronger one.

That's all I got. Again, excellent poem!:D I'll star you (if I can figure out how.) LOL.