I wake up just before sunrise everyday, before the birds whose friends sang me to sleep, sing me awake. It's always foggy around this time, which I've grown to enjoy due to its ability to make me feel like I'm hidden from the world, if just for a moment...
Later in the day I go inside and grab a jar caked with dirt, which was given to me by the local curandera. She tells me "Go to the seaside and lay in the sand. Feel its warmth. Take some sand and put it into the jar. Walk out into the water until your ankles are covered. Feel its bitter chill. Smell the salt in the air. Feel the sting on your face. Hear the water crash on the weathered rocks, weathered away , similair to you. Stick both feet firmly into the mud and hold the jar under water. Take a little bit of your sin back. Take a little bit of your son back. In doing both of these things, your burden will be lessened."
And so, each day, I drink a little bit more of you.
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140,752 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Hi, Murmurations!
I'm back on this lovely Review Day!
Yup! This is definitely the second installment. xD And it's kinda weird, but I like it in that weird way. It's unique!
I don't know what a curandera is, so that would've been fun to elaborate on. But I guess Google is all the same.
The instructions are kind of goofy. I don't get how taking sin back lessens the burden. In fact, that should weigh the person down a lot more. Taking the son back might metaphorically help, kind of like filling in a whole in your heart. But taking your sin back? What? xD That hurt me.
I don't understand why the jar is being put underwater--or wait. Maybe it wasn't closed. Never mind! (Well, clarification wouldn't hurt.)
I don't think the instructions were very clear. Because, um, from the reader's standpoint, the lady never said to drink it. And I should think there's an explanation for having to go only ankle-deep and not knee-deep or toe-deep. That seems rather specific. Why do they have to feel the sand, too? I mean, it seems like they'd no the beach. I imagine the lady just wants the MC to feel a connection with nature or something, but this seems way more crazy than peaceful.
Sssso the instructions were weird, and I didn't know what to think of them.
The whole ritual thing is cool, and at least I could tell this was a second installment from Act 1! I like how you described the birds in the first paragraph, too.
I think I'd have liked just a little more elaboration on this. I feel like I've just been shoved out of this story. I'm not really following anymore. I don't know what's going on or who the good guy is. It's kind of depressing. xD I'm not hooked anymore.
You have such a cool idea though, so try out a different style? Something that would help reinforce the point of this story better. The last thing you want to do is lose readers!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Spoiler
Thanks for the constructive criticism, both here and on Act 1. I do still need to outline my story more, but these pieces are sort of a motivation to create content and be inspired to keep it up.
The instructions were just a traditional "spiritual" connect-to-nature sort of thing.
This is really quite interesting. It feels very magical. I can see this being a poem big time. : ) Ahhh the beginning is so descriptive in the comparison of night to day. I'm honestly not sure what a Curandera is, but I get the jist without you actually coming out and saying what she is. That is really great. Also is she drinking her son? It seems like she is because its a jar of dirt and from this: "And so, each day, I drink a little bit more of you." Ahh that puts an awesome twist to the story. In this part right here:
"Later in the day I go inside and grab a jar caked with dirt, which was given to me by the local curandera. She tells me "Go to the seaside and lay in the sand. Feel its warmth. Take some sand and put it into the jar. Walk out into the water until your ankles are covered. Feel its bitter chill. Smell the salt in the air. Feel the sting on your face. Hear the water crash on the weathered rocks. Weathered away by the water, similair to you. Stick both feet firmly into the mud and hold the jar under water. Take a little bit of your sin back. Take a little bit of your son back. In doing both of these things, your burden will be lessened."
Is so very descriptive, but I think you can paint more of a picture into the readers head. And in this sentence here: "Hear the water crash on the weathered rocks. Weathered away by the water, similair to you." would flow better if you just added a coma between rocks and weathered instead of the period. Overall this is very good. Keep writing more. I want to read more. : )
Thank you for your advice! A curandera is a traditional female spiritual healer in Latin America.