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139,689 Literary Works • 672,650 Reviews
Hi, Murmurations! I'm here to review on this lovely Review Day!
This was an interesting piece. I can't say I was roped into it, but it was very intriguing nonetheless. I could see the story very nicely. At least, I could see the picture. I can tell what happened to the child and who the main character must be.
I feel like the character's voice isn't as depressed as it probably should. I mean, the piece makes it sound like the MC is suffering a great deal since their loss, yet the tone doesn't match that desperation at all. It's kind of concerning!
I'd have liked to get a better understanding of what's actually going on in this piece. Like why did the accident happen when it did? Hinting towards that would help get more sympathy from the reader. Right now, I don't know if I should be mad at the parent for bad parenting skills or mad at the child for not following directions. Lots of possible scenarios, but only one works!
Additionally, how is the parent going to find their child? xD How long ago did this event happen? If it was a long time ago, then the lack of depression is probably okay, but they most likely will not be finding their child. If it was recent, they why aren't they sad enough?! And they still will have a lesser chance of finding the child.
This person is incredibly more hopeful than a depressed parent would be, in my opinion.
Also, how does the child fall away from the moonlight into the water when they were in the water the whole time? *flail* Sense, where have you gooone?
So I think there's a little bit of confusion as to who feels what and how to portray that. Get a little more characterization into this piece. It would help your plot out a whole tone, and you get more sympathy from the reader. Draw them in and give this piece a point. Who's your audience, and what do you want them to feel when/as they read this?
A good start! I hope it's safe to assume that Act 2 piece is the second installment to this 'cause that's where I'm going next!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Spoiler
I must urge you to continue with this, because this start is very impressive. Your descriptions and writing style is very unique and in many ways original. You write in a style that I find engaging and interesting. Clearly it's a small piece, but it's very powerful despite it's size, it evokes emotions that some longer pieces could perhaps struggle to.
"It read my mind and took you away from me, devoid of guilt"
This here especially emphasizes your quality as a writer, I really hope you continue you with this, and if you do let me know when you upload the next instalment.
Ben
Hey Ben, thanks a lot! Reading this made me smile. I'll definitely continue.
Hey there, welcome to the site!
I don't like the use of 'correct' here. It's very jarring against the rest of your writing and struck me as out of place. It seems like it belongs in a classroom or inside a philosopher's head - 'This was of course the correct formulae, but I was struggling to deduce-' It doesn't fit the persona you've been building up. She isn't cold and calculative, she's emotional and sad. I'd suggest something like: 'Life is about taking chances, and I took mine. But we never know which decisions we might regret.'Alright so this is interesting. I'm not entirely sure a line-by-line review would be useful since it's such a raw first draft so instead I'll try to give my general impressions on what's going on and where you might go from here.
Tone
What you really have going for this piece is the tone of it. There are some beautiful lines and you've got a strong command over sentence structure so good work there. However, every now and then your choice of wording is out or I feel that you overstep that line between being suitably dramatic and overly-cliche dramatic. Allow me to attempt to explain myself on both these points.
1.
2. On to point two! This line has a good levell of the dramatic. Drowning is something we all know about and perhaps have a healthy fear of. However, then you have lines like this: I think the issue I have with this is that the rest of your piece is filled with reality. Phyysical images like the seaside, like drowning. This falling away from the moonlight then feels so metaphysical that it's hard to accept.
Plot
Okay so the other thin I want to comment on is where you miht go from this. The speaker is a mother who has lost her child to the sea but decided to move to the seaside and live near by. I think his has a lot of potential to be a novel about the struggle to leave behind what we lose and move on, or prhaps you intend to go somewhere in the direction of horror/ supernatural and have the child's ghost haunt her?
Basically, there's some really good directions I could see this going.
Alright I think that's all I have to say! This is still in the very early stages so it's hard to give you a review, but if you write more, feel free to let me know and I'll be happy to come and take a second look at it! Enjoy learning your way around the site,
Heather xxx
These are some great suggestions, thank you!
First off welcome to Young Writer's Society! I'm Alliyah, So on to the review:
This is a beautiful little... um well it was categorized right 'other'. I hope you do more with it, since it is labled as Act 1, You could deffinantly make this into a poem realistically if you're not already thinking of making it into a story, play, or novel.
The whole piece is just laced with wonderful dark language, and ideas with a mysterious sorrow behind it. I'm very curious where this will go, or what the rest of the story is behind it. In the last paragraph there's a feeling of anxiety in the last few sentences. What'd the character do? I love all the unanswered questions.
My only suggestions for editting are 1. You could change the word head to mind. 2. You could indent the beggining of the paragraphs, but it's not really neccessary if your going to be consistent with the indentation for the rest of this piece if it continues and 3. Please continue this story!
I couldn't find any spelling mistakes, keep writing, have a great day!
~alli-wa~
Hello Alliyah, thank you!
I will most definitely continue it!
I was sort of stream-of-consciousness writing when this idea struck me. I ran with it and now it's sort of coming together. It's like watching a series and wondering what'll come next. Of course, I am outlining it. My mistake has always been to come up with something on the spot and running with it, rather than writing it down, then going back and revising.