Hi, Murmurations! I'm here to review on this lovely Review Day!
This was an interesting piece. I can't say I was roped into it, but it was very intriguing nonetheless. I could see the story very nicely. At least, I could see the picture. I can tell what happened to the child and who the main character must be.
I feel like the character's voice isn't as depressed as it probably should. I mean, the piece makes it sound like the MC is suffering a great deal since their loss, yet the tone doesn't match that desperation at all. It's kind of concerning!
I'd have liked to get a better understanding of what's actually going on in this piece. Like why did the accident happen when it did? Hinting towards that would help get more sympathy from the reader. Right now, I don't know if I should be mad at the parent for bad parenting skills or mad at the child for not following directions. Lots of possible scenarios, but only one works!
Additionally, how is the parent going to find their child? xD How long ago did this event happen? If it was a long time ago, then the lack of depression is probably okay, but they most likely will not be finding their child. If it was recent, they why aren't they sad enough?! And they still will have a lesser chance of finding the child.
This person is incredibly more hopeful than a depressed parent would be, in my opinion.
Also, how does the child fall away from the moonlight into the water when they were in the water the whole time? *flail* Sense, where have you gooone?
So I think there's a little bit of confusion as to who feels what and how to portray that. Get a little more characterization into this piece. It would help your plot out a whole tone, and you get more sympathy from the reader. Draw them in and give this piece a point. Who's your audience, and what do you want them to feel when/as they read this?
A good start! I hope it's safe to assume that Act 2 piece is the second installment to this 'cause that's where I'm going next!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464
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