Whatever lies in my heart, the secrets harbored there. It's more than I can take, and more than I can bear. I lift my face and watch the sun, as it travels across the sky. It creates a well worn path, filled with days gone by. I want to lay them down, my hurts and hopes and fears, and wait as the ancient sun, dries my jagged tears. Yet still I stay here on my own, my legs don't seem to work. My heavy burden drags me down, Until I'm face down in the dirt. My tears mix with the gathered dust, I see the mud it makes. And I think through my muddled life and the resemblance it takes.
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Hi there, sorry, my first message posted as a comment
I really like this poem, the rhyming works really well, which is a hard thing to do! The only fault I can see in the rhyming is that "own" and "down" don't' quite fit but that is a very minor thing.
Also, I think that this should be split into stanzas. It's a beautiful poem but having a break every four lines would make it even better. However, I had trouble splitting one of my own poems into verses. For some reason the line breaks just weren't showing up when I published it. If you have the same problem then I completely understand how frustrating it is trying to get them to show up.
In the last three lines you said:
"I see the mud it makes.
And I think through my muddled life
and the resemblance it takes."
Maybe use a different word in the place of muddled because it sounds similar to mud. It just seems a bit repetitive...
Other than that, you have made a very unique and thought-provoking poem. Well done!
Hi there, just a review.
I really like this poem, the rhyming works really well, which is a hard thing to do! The only fault I can see in the rhyming is that "own" and "down" don't' quite fit but that is a very minor thing.
Also, I think that this should be split into stanzas. It's a beautiful poem but having a break every four lines would make it even better. However, I had trouble splitting one of my own poems into verses. For some reason the line breaks just weren't showing up when I published it. If you have the same problem then I completely understand how frustrating it is trying to get them to show up.
In the last three lines you said:
"I see the mud it makes.
And I think through my muddled life
and the resemblance it takes."
Maybe use a different word in the place of muddled because it sounds similar to mud. It just seems a bit repetitive...
Other than that, you have made a very unique and thought-provoking poem. Well done!
Hello, MsPoetry~ A slightly late welcome to YWS to you!
These two lines mean the same thing. The second line is only there because the rhyme scheme requires it, and you allowed the rhyme scheme to dictate what you wrote. In rhyming poetry, the rhyme should not dictate the meaning of the line.I appreciate your use of a natural motif in this poem to represent inner feelings. That being said, I feel like there are a few flaws in this poem that keep it from reaching its full potential.
The biggest issue is wordiness.
Redundancy is a form of wordiness, and these two lines are quite redundant.
The first two lines are a sentence fragment. If you remove the period, it would make sense as a sentence.
If you're creating a path, it can't really be well-worn. You can say that it goes along a well worn path, or it travels, but then you'd be using the same word as the previous line.
Make sure that you use the subject of the pronoun before the pronoun. So really, it would make more sense for you to say, "I want to lay down my hurts, hopes, and fears." Then you wouldn't have to say "them" at all. But I suppose you want to keep your rhyme scheme.
To be honest, I think you should make this poem not rhyme. It seems like a lot of the lines are controlled so heavily by the rhyme scheme that it changes what you would want to say in them.
As for the wordiness that I mentioned, there is a fix for it. You need to take out all the words that you don't need. I mean, really strip it down to the bare branches. Then build it back up with words that you need to convey the feeling. I don't usually do this for entire poems, but because a lot of your lines are wordy in conjunction with each other, I'll show you how its done.
The first stage is to take everything out that you don't need.
Spoiler
Is more than I can take.
I watch the sun
as it travels the sky.
It creates a path,
filled with days gone by.
I want to lay down
my hurts, hopes and fears,
and wait as the sun
dries my tears.
I stay on my own,
my legs don't work.
My burden drags me
Until I'm face down in the dirt.
My tears mix with the dust.
it makes mud.
I think through my life
and the resemblance it takes.
This isn't necessarily better, as it's just the first step. But now we can add back in some adjectives and change some verbs so that they help convey the tone better.
Spoiler
that lie in my heart.
Lifting my head, I watch the sun
as it travels its familiar path of sky.
My hurts, hopes, and fears
are bare before the tear-drying sun.
My legs will not work
and I'm left here alone.
My burden drags me
face down in the dirt.
My tears mix with the dust,
making only mud.
I think through my muddled life
and the resemblance it takes.
This version, while it does not rhyme, is much less wordy and conveys your point in a much clearer manner. If I wasn't dealing with someone else's work, I would put a little more style into the second version, but I wanted to keep it as neutral as possible to show you what I mean. These are just suggestions, but I think you should definitely cut down on the wordiness you have going on here.
I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy writing!
Thanks for that! I really appreciate any feedback I can get, because no one in my family knows anything about literature.