I am a part of a cloud. Let’s begin. First, I fall from the sky but slowly so I start freezing. Now, I’m called a raindrop. When I freeze completely, I am called a snowflake. Nice patterns are formed around me! When I land on the ground, two kids picked me up and made a giant snowball. Oh wait! They are making a snow woman. Other snowflakes weren’t the same as me. Weeks passed and they were melting, disappearing but I was lucky. I melted into a little river and while I was going along with the river, I saw many things. Flowers were growing, beautiful flowers. Trees were growing back green leaves. I met my future best 'bud'dy.It was so beautiful! If only I had that chance. After two months, I evaporated and one day my life started all over again!
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
This was not what I expected it to be after reading the title, but I do like the idea. The "life" cycle of a raindrop. I enjoyed reading this quite a bit.
Now onto the grammatical technicality stuff. *ahem*
In the sentence above you switched from present tense to past tense. I tend to make this mistake a lot as well, it's easy to fix.
Unless you did this on purpose...? If so I'm not sure why but it does trip the words up a little bit.
Here you forgot to put a space after the period ending the first sentence. Once again, an easy fix.
Wait - what is this?
P-pun? Pun! Puuuun! Thank you for this, I love puns XD
Anyway, there isn't much else to correct.
Once again, I enjoyed this story and encourage you to keep writing.
Good job!
-Jules
Dear Jules,
Thanks for your input. Nia is elated to read your feedback and appreciates your time and consideration. To answer your questions, the first one was on purpose but not sure if that is grammatically correct?! Also, so glad that your caught the pun.
Heya, MsJesi and welcome to the Young Writer's Society! Thank you for sharing your writing.
You've got this in the 'other' category, but I actually think it could make an amazing poem. If you formatted it like a poem, and reworded some things to make it sound like a poem rather than a recount, it would be awesome!
You've definitely studied your water cycle (or snow cycle, should I say) because you seemed to know a lot about the raindrop and its life. You wrote a good recount about it and it was fun to read.
My suggestion to improve this is to check your tenses. You wrote some of it in present tense and some of it in past tense. For example, nice patterns are formed around me! is more present tense, but two kids picked me up and made a giant snowball is past tense.
There you go! I hope this review was helpful and if you need anything else, just ask.
Hello Dracula,
Nia is working on your suggestion. Thanks for taking the time to give it.
We'll work on putting it in a poem format. Also, the tenses are tricky since we want to create the feeling of evolving...any suggestions are more than welcomed.
Thanks
Hello, there!
To begin this review, I will start with nitpicks.
It seems like it's saying they pick up the snowflake (just the on snowflake) and make a snowball out of it. Might wanna elaborate a little more to include 'and gathered many other frozen raindrops' or something of that sort. Also, 'made' should be 'make'.
This is a run-on sentence. Should be: I melted into a little river, and while I was going along with the river I saw many things. Just a small correction with commas.
The tenses are a little jumbled up here.
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Okay! So I thought this was a cute little piece; it also contained lots of facts, but imagery as well. The only feedback (constructive) I have to offer is maybe to make it a little longer. It's a little short, but if you expand on it or make this more drained with imagery, it could be amazing!
If this was actually written by a 4th grader, kudos to them! (I don't know if I was you, or someone you know).
~ EternalRain
Dear Eternal Rain,
This is a very special 4th Grader and your comments are appreciated.
The detail analysis is helpful and will be followed. We'd like to present it nationally.
Warmly,
Jesi
Ooooh! I sincerely hope you will get that chance to present nationally. Good luck:) and you're welcome
Hehe, I will try not to assume this was completely serious, but in all accounts give critique as if it was. Before I do so however, might I say that this is an adorable piece. If especially written by a fourth grader, then I cannot wait to hear of this little girls potential in later years.
I am glad you posted it, and tell her from me that she is a well versed little writer.
Moving on, there is a lovely view of the story written here. Though it is albeit dry, it is humorously so as we can imagine ourselves as a snowflake. Though, the inside importance is that not only do we see that, which of itself is actually cliche to the point of mockery; we are seeing this like a child would see it. Falling as if we were a snowflake seeing the world we only half understand and comprehend.
Then the sociological aspect of it all tends to make us see the more sophisticated side of growing up. Which is to say, while other snowflakes disappear we would go down the river. See new beautiful things, and meet new and wonderful people. And there is an almost, sad way of ending the piece. Only two months?! Seriously?! Tragic, and almost comic tragedy that we may feel our own lives evaporate to start over again after not taking such chances that we wish we had! Oh if I only had that chance, again!
And I know, pouring way more thought into this than entirely necessary. But there is symbolism in the overlooked.
Till next time.
Hello Andrew,
Considering she is from the country of Georgia, poetic writing is in their blood! Thank you for considering it even though she is very young. Your comments have been well received and she is very thankful of your support.
We really like your perspective of viewing the piece like chances that we've had in life. What an interesting viewpoint! It demonstrates that all people interpret things in their own way. Definitely the idea of renewal is present and it's completely understandable that this could be a metaphor to our lives.
Your feedback is very constructive and please know considered.
The first step is the hardest!