Don't look away.
Don't hide from me.
I want to be near you.
I can hear you breath,
say something to me.
I hear your chest heave,
don't be scared of me.
Don't shie away,
when our eyes meet.
Don't hide your face,
when I see a tear.
Don't cry my beautiful,
I wont tell your fears.
Don't run away,
I know them now.
Fear consumes you,
but nothing has got out.
don't cry from the past,
my past is bad to,
were common like that,
its kinda scary that way,
but please,oh please,
don't look away
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
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I thought it was great--I loved the structure and the phrasing.
The only thing is that some of the lines didn't really make sense. I marked the biggest one I noticed, but there were other places where I felt like you had just run out of things to say. I'm not a poet, so I don't really have the right to tell you what you're doing "wrong," I'm just telling you how I saw from the perspective of an ignorant reader.
-Francesca
Nice, you did take out most of it's repetitiveness, phrasing wise. But you still used the word, Don't, a lot, and that does make the read less enjoyable. You added a touch of fear and how it acts on the owner. Nice, it's a good start to add multiple levels to your story from single or short lines.
. This is a lot of plain language and it doesn't give too much of a poetic quality to your poem.Again, you should edit the phrases in this poem. Here is an example.
But you did make some improvements that I did enjoy. =]]
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.
PS, don't shie away?
I think it's shy, Not shie.
Hey there! Welcome to YWS!
I think I'll have to agree with silented1 about the repetition. There are some cases in which I think it works to the benefit of the author, but in your case, it does not. You seem to do it over excessively while forgetting about punctuation. You should punctuate normally in a poem; I don't know why everything seems think that you should put a comma after every line. Keep these things in mind when you revise, and again, welcome to YWS!
-Elinor
Without even reading your post, I can already tell that it's wayyy to repetitive. You may want to fix that. Also you have a typo in your second to last line. I put it in bold and it's not too major, it's just a bit annoying. Also, the posting box thingy, has a spell checker, it's always good to consult it before posting. =]
I took out most of them. I left a few that could be used there, more effectivly. Also, you may want to try to rephrase stuff, like you shouldn't turn away or something of the sort. And you may want to try using more imagery and images within your poetry.
And I do like the ideas and some of the emotion I got from this.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.
--EDIT--
I didn't notice but you joined yesterday, so welcome! =]