My Demons Won't Leave

You know, I love horror stories and creepy stories, like this one. I never expect certain stories like this one to be so intriguing. While there may have been different grammar errors, I still loved this nonetheless. I like how you explain how our darkest desires can be way evil and how those desires can set into our minds until it's the only thing we can think about until we execute that goal. I also loved how you explained what the character was thinking about, and because I've experienced the dark depths of hell myself, considering I'm basically Satan's daughter, I know what it's like to be depressed, I dealt with the darkest parts of it for awhile. It sucked, it really did. But that's not my point, I loved how you started with explaining how the character was dealing with depression and the thoughts and so-called monsters were bothering her into oblivion. And the part I loved the most was the plot twist. The reason why is because you don't just expect the character to kill their own mother because of the evil thoughts running around in their head. You don't expect that everyday. You did just that perfectly, and I congratulate you on that! So anyway, I hope you continue this story and I encourage you to continue writing stories like these in particular! Keep up the amazing work!

*Backs away from computer, walking around the entirety of the house*

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!? YOU CAN'T HIDE!!

*Walks back to the computer disappointed*

She still isn't here...she's gone...

First of all, great story! I like how you take the sadness and pain from the character and turn it into insanity. Like most humans they often lash out on sadness with anger. I like the fact that you use the demons in our heads when truly they are our thoughts that we don’t want to tell ourselves. One thing that she/he is deadly to herself but still continues to linger upon her life. But I digress with a few points to this short story.

Darkness, it’s the I see.: A very compelling first line (which is the best time to try and get your readers hooked.

The darkness is getting closer, surrounding me, suffocating me. I can’t (you forgot the apostrophe in this line) breathe, I can’t think, I can’t win, I can’t get rid of my demons.:
These two sentences seem to relate the character to the reader (or just myself) more than anything.

Out of all this story was very good. It shows my favorite things in a book being reliability and also being quite opposite. Hope you liked my insight on your story!

To many more years of writing!
~Audrey Kirby

hey Pasta ken here

First off I would like to say I absolutely loved this story it was very well executed. I adore creepy and Insane stories and typically can not find ones on here that are interesting. You pulled me in right away. the feeling you captured was perfect as well for Example:

¨The darkness is getting closer, surrounding me, suffocating me. I cant breath, I can't think, I can't win, I can’t get rid of my demons. I start to slip into insanity, I can't help it I finally caved in. I let out one final scream and black out, the demons stop¨.

I can feel the characters pain here.

another part that I love is:

¨You can look at me and say "Emo," that kid who sits alone and seem sad and depressed. That's because I am. Why should I be happy when mother never smiles? why should I stay strong when father never comes home? Why should I laugh when the one who made me, is gone?¨

¨My mother says go to therapy, I laugh when I hear that. I'm not going to sit and hear the same question over and over, "How does that make you feel?"And if I had friends i'm sure they would tell me I'll be alright, that this will end soon.¨

I can relate to this, depression is hard to beat and sometimes you can win.

the ending is perfect as well I like how you left it open for another story, so I am hope to see another from you soon.

Keep writing~ Ken

Simply amazing! This is the kind of stuff teens and young adults LOVE! It's all supernatural and murder and fantastic. I love the emotion in your writing, when I read I feel as if I am there with the murderer laughing beside her, gazing at the dead body thinking what has become of me. It gives me goose bumps just writing this review. I would love to hear more about demons and murder and the supernatural world from you.

I really like your story you should post this on creepypasta.com

Wow, I love your story and it is very interesting. And I don't know what to say i just really love it. Murder. Demons. Lonely. Sadness. Emo. All that stuff is showing me the characters side is pitch dark. BUt add feelings to your character so the readers can tell who is he like the character traits. No one want to sit there and guess what is he going through so adding feelings is cool. "This is just the beginning" when you say this, it catches me a little and i understand it and i wonder what beginning? Beginning to feel evil or being a serial killer? That is what i want to know. If you are going to write more please add that. And who is that women the character killed? Her mom? And Why? During that I like the way you describe what happen like: "I plunge forward and knock her to the floor she screamed out but I covered her mouth. I knew what I was doing, but I can't seem to stop myself. I jab the knife into her stomach, she lets out a blood curling scream, I stab her again this time in the side of her neck..." It really shows the reader what happen and it is easy to help the reader to imagine that. I also love the details you add and describing the setting."The darkness is getting closer, surrounding me, suffocating me." In the end where you end it up to interest the reader or catch the reader wanted to read more. Every body's story have a theme and your story has one and it about, Fear and Lonely. Demons can block your life and tell them what to do and some fear them some fight back and wanted to stop them just like the story, the main character want to fight back but the demons are too strong and he feared them int he beginning.

Hello, Jelly here for a review.

Writing a character's depression can be quite difficult but I think you handled it quite well.
I only have a few nitpicks.

I am confused on the state of their parents. Why does their mother not smile? What caused this? Does the father leave home for long periods of time or is he gone all together?

"Why should I laugh when the one who made me, is gone."

I am wondering who this line is referring to. The most likely suspect is their father but the wording implies a close relationship. If this is the case then I believe it would add some depth if you explicitly show their feelings, along with why the father is gone.
It is said that the mother is never there but in what way is she not there for them? She tells them to seek therapy so this implies that she does care for their emotional state that or she simply wants them out of her hair. I am want to know what her personality and feelings towards her child are. If she does care for his emotional state then why does he scorn her? Or are these the lies that the demons whisper into their ear? An knife attack is very personal. I want to know why they took such violent action. (I am assuming that these demons are a metaphor so I may be wrong in my thinking, forgive me if I am).

During the attack I think it would do some good to really show their inner turmoil. It is said that they are screaming no on the inside but I didn't really get a feeling of them fighting their demons during the attack. They seem to just give in. At the end of the attack when they are laughing it did come across as a bit hammy. They know the demons lie so it seems likely that they would be fighting the entire time and seem horrified with the atrocity they've committed. If these demons are not figurative as I think then I think it would help to show their terror with the act and the horrifying reality of being trapped inside your mind.

I did like the ending. Sadly not everyone can beat their demons so I do appreciate the honesty. Usually stories of people beating their depression do not come across as very realistic so sadly this seems the easiest outcome to write.

That is what I have to say!
Thank you for sharing.

Sheesh. How...... Intense. Wow......
At first I thought that this would look better as a poem, but I figured that it wouldn't by the end.
This is intense. And I mean really creepily intense. Sheesh.

However, you should probably watch out for spelling and grammar mistakes. Throughout your story, I noticed several mistakes, mainly with 'I' and ' can't '. Really watch for those because it can be somewhat annoying for the reader and someone who really cannot stand grammar mistakes.

This was a good story, with the storyline and the detail and all. I would like to know more about the voices and the main character, though. That can really help a reader get to know/connect with the characters.
It would also be nice to know when all of this started with the main character. Why? Has she told anyone?
Another thing; why does her mother never smile? This might not be needed for your story, but whatever.

Well, I guess that's the end for me. I hope I have proved of some help!

-Holographic Ladybug

This is honestly a very interesting piece of writing. I love how deep the message is and the description is also good. I love the line, "The darkness is getting closer, surrounding me, suffocating me.", the use of personification fits right into the writing. The piece of writing actually scares me a little, it seems like you showed your inner emotions. Anyways, its a great piece of writing and you should continue writing; I bet you'd be amazing at poetry.

I'm sorry, but I sort of laughed. It was dark yes but I'm friends with many "emos" and even someone who hears voices it just made me realize how real this is. How depression can make someone hear things. This is scary to the point it's funny. Keep writing you're good. check out my work i think you'd like it. It almost has the same tone same ominous like tone almost anyway.... I was wondering where you got this idea though any way you could tell me or just pure imagination?

Hey Creepypasta! Welcome to the site! So, this is your first work here, congratulations on writing such a brilliant story! You can see it's already loved!
Good work on the title, particularly, the thing that draws the attention of the readers. Now, this story made me sad, you see? D: I'm gonna tell you why.

Darkness, it’s the first thing I see. Shadows, that are always dancing over me, drown me with their pain and suffering. You can look at me and say "Emo," that kid who sits alone and seems sad and depressed. That's because I am. Why should I be happy when mother nevers smiles. Why should I stay strong when father never comes home. Why should I laugh when the one who made me, is gone. Those shadows who dance are my demons. The ones who make my life a living hell, the ones that keep me up all night, the ones who want me dead. But death is too easy. it’s too easy to wrap that rope around your neck and jump. Some say to take a knife and put it to your wrist, it takes away the pain. No it only makes it stronger and makes you weaker. I am no fool.

Woow... This floated me in feelings. It reminded me of the depression in the beginning , and then...
the whole story changed. This would actually be a perfect scenario for a movie. It feels like you are your own demons. Write a part 2 to this, I am curios, where will the madness drive you next?

I love it. It is very dramatic and that's good. Also, the major cliffhanger was amazing. It makes me wonder what happens next.

Great book and dark (i like that) and great ending (HUGE cliff hanger)

I loved it. There is just so much emotion, I can feel it. I look forward to reading more of your writing.

Hello there! Biluata here for a review. I can see why your username is MrsxCreepypasta, I mean, geez. I will do my best for a review. Admittedly, short story/flash fictions are not my strongest suit for reviews, so I hope that this is at least slightly helpful. I am not quite as picky on grammar, as I am sure some of my fellow reviewers are much better at grammar checking than I am, so I'll let them take care of most of the grammar issues.

I would be careful starting with the word darkness, because a majority of "creepy" short stories/flash fictions tend to start with "darkness" because, well ... I dunno, but it kind of detracts from the overall quality of the piece itself from the very beginning.

"The ones who make my life a living hell, the ones that keep me up all night, the ones who want me dead. But death is too easy. it’s too easy to wrap that rope around your neck and jump. Some say to take a knife and put it to your wrist, it takes away the pain. No it only makes it stronger and makes you weaker. I am no fool."

I would change this passage just a bit. The first sentence is a bit redundant, it kind of seems like a fragmented sentence. Maybe change it to something like, "The ones that make my life a living hell, who keep me up at night, the ones who want me dead." It just compresses the sentence a bit to make it sound a bit more ... professional, maybe? Sentence two and three and four can all be combined once more to make it sounds more professional, perhaps to something like, "Death is too easy, too easy to wrap a rope around your neck and jump and some say, take a knife, put it to your wrist, it will take away the pain; it only makes you stronger, perhaps weaker." The last line is really nice though, "I am no fool" has a nice ring and a final touch for that paragraph that sticks around in the reader's mind.

Other than that paragraph, I have no complaints about this piece until the very end. It all goes very well until it kind of goes to pieces. The last bit, were the mother is stabbed, I see what you are attempting to do, make it creepy etc. etc. but it just seems a bit... silly, for lack of a better word. I would attempt to make it a bit more vague, leave some more to the imagination because the imagination can come up with far scarier things than the writer ever can.

Other than that, great piece! It can be related to and not all at the same time! I look forward to reading more of your works in the future.
Best of luck!
~Luata