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140,874 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
Thanks for your comments! I'm going to lock this, seeing as I wrote it seven months ago.
Hi there!
"Wings of faith".... Hmmm, it's difficult to articulate why this phrase bothers me. It strikes me as a little too convenient for you to bluntly say the poem is about faith in the first line. I wonder if you could find a better way to show me it's about faith than basically declaring, "These wings represent faith, and they're broken, so faith is broken." Obviously what you've done is more elegant than that, but still.
The second bolded section--the words are not bland, but they all feel a little bit...alike. Quick and sudden are certainly similar. And I would assume a sudden pain would be a sharp one as well. I'm not a huge fan of listing adjectives anyways, but this line will be stronger if you chose some disparate adjectives.
This is a good ending but the first two lines of this last stanza kinda ruined it for me, since I've read them a million times. It's obvious you've got the ability to portray pain using stronger words, so use that power! The final two lines are good though, there's a definite air of finality, so this piece feels complete. Nice work overall, I'm just being very nitpicky here since it's obvious you're not a beginner.
I loved it!
I usually don't like poetry, unless it's somewhat depressing... Anyway! Good job!
May here,
This is a really good expression of faith, and it really has anicemessage to it. It really shows us what faith and believing can be like, and s totally honest. If there wasa best poem of the dayaward, I would give it to you.
Well, here is a virtual award anyway.
Spoiler
Congratulations on being such a good writer.
Kudos to you,
May
Awesome...in a dark and morbid sort of way...either way, I love this! It's really good, almost makes me think of Edgar Allen Poe (which is a good thing--after all, he's like, one of the best poets EVER!) Keep writing.
I thought your use of words were rather clever. I enjoyed your 'darker' side of faith, as you say. Have you posted the lighter side yet? Everyone feels let down and disappointed, and I thought you captured that emotion rather beautifully. Very nice, I can definitely feel a 'fallen angel' tone. I look forward to the next part.
Hey, Knightley. It's been awhile, eh? I'll answer that....yes, it has!
. You could make this deeper and more meaningful. I know you have it in you.
Anyhoo. This is very cliche, and the execution was very poor by your usually remarkable standards
I don't have much time now, but if you need anything else just PM me.
Tata,
Mizz
Hey, guys! Sorry it's taken me so long to write back.
). It makes me feel gooood. 
Herzing: Thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I hope you like more of my works (whenever I write them
Juniper:
That's a good thing, right? I would like to think my stuff isn't so weird in a bad way, but thanks anyway!
Looking back, it was kinda cliched, wasn't it? Sorry about that... I guess I was writing this piece more for me and recent experiences I've had, so I lost some perspective there. Don't worry! I'll do better next time.
Thanks to both of you! I always love getting feedback.
Hey!
Now this, this poem is really deep. Most people (including myself) write a lot of things that don't really challenge a serious subject. This could arise a lot of controversy with extremely religious people, but I love that you went for it anyway
It was kind of creepy, but I absolutely loved it.
I sort of have this deep love for the word "ivory" ha ha, so that alone made me love this. I loved the anvil of truth part, very relatable.
This is the first that I have read from you, but I am totally coming back for more
Hallo, Knightley!
Have I ever mentioned that I like reading what you write? I mean, I don't know... it's odd. Some people can write stuff that I enjoy reading because the topic is good and the presentation rocks, but I like reading what ever you write for some odd unexplainable reason...
Nonetheless, I cannot say that I like your presentation here! I like the idea, albeit a bit cliche in some parts or another, but I think you could do a better job at making this more powerful, dear. The image of broken wings paralleled to losing faith is common, but it could work, so long as you provide original, substantial images to be tossed along with the salad.
Furthermore! I don't like it when people say an image and then narrate the action, as in, "The mice, they crawled across the floor"; it sounds... funny! And I think you should get rid of it alltogether and just use a clearer description or something else.
=D
(Write moar.)
June
To Kaywiia and BottomlessEyes: Thanks for your compliments! I'm glad you both liked it.
Firestarter:
[quote=]What's with this trend of including pictures with poetry? It doesn't help the reader.[/quote]
Because if my work is featured on the main page, this will be my topic image!
I thought I made it clear with the part "the cold, cruel hammer
and anvil of truth." I meant it as a sort of realization, when reality or science shatters through any beliefs you may have had. Also, I don't necessarily like to add so much detail into my poems, because it kind of ruins it for me personally. But it is just my opinion.
Thank you all again for your time! It was a great help to me!
What's with this trend of including pictures with poetry? It doesn't help the reader.
I'm glad you've been brave enough to present the loss of faith through imagery, but it's difficult to know why this angel is suffering so. What has occurred? Your very descriptive but the poem lacks insight and context for us to understand better the predicament that has occurred. It might be helpful to do so.
You should also watch out for cliche statements. Such things make your poetry bland. "Ground into dust", "blood flows" and "the pain is unbearable" are overworn and tired. Look for new language and new phrases to breathe life into your words, so the reader can feel refreshed when reading.
Good luck.
Amazing! It is so deep...i loved loved LOVED it! It is really good and I almost felt the pain that was there! it rings AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!! OH YEAH!
This really touched the essence of human faith and I absolutly love it! I felt so many emotions reading this i believe I might need to make up new words to describe them. Except I am not that creative:
Sad
Broken
Elated
Grateful
This was incredible!
Ciao,
Kally
Whoa. This is pretty cool--in a deep dark depressing way. You've got an awesome talent here, really! I could never manage to write anything as discriptive as this. You protrayed a gray picture, I'll admit it. I might not read it again, but only because it gives me a feeling, which is what poetry is exactly about right? I've always been one of those girls with fluffy clouds in the sky all the time. i can't imagine faith breaking... Anyway, I really loved it. Great job, keep it up!
Peace
~*~fairygirl~*~