Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
"What the fuck!" Jason shot up from the bed, and began wiping the bile off of his jumpsuit. Amata sat up in the bed with both her hands covering her mouth. "Did you do that on purpose?" He asked her In a serious tone.
"What? No I swear that was an accident. I'm so sorry." Jason began making his way to the door. Amata got up from the bed, and grabbed his hand softly. "Please don't go. I swear it was an accident. Just stay for a little longer." She led him by the hand to the bed, and placed a hand softly over the bruise Butch had given him earlier. Jason leaned forward slowly once again. His lips connected with hers, and despite the taste of vomit in her mouth he pressed harder. His right hand found it's way to her corresponding breast, and grabbed it softly. Suddenly he felt someone grab his shoulders, and pulled him away from Amata. He fell onto his back, and found himself. Staring into the cold eyes of The Overseer. Amata's father began raining punches down onto Jason.
"Please stop! Don't hurt him it was my idea daddy please!"
The overseer turned to face her, and Jason hastily stood up and began running away from their home. He navigated through the Vault's hallways as fast as he could. When he finally reached his home, his father looked up at him with a wide smile. "There you are. I heard you got a spot in maintenance. I'm so prour of you." His father rose to his feet and wrapped one arm around Jason, and placed his other hand on the back of his head. He sniffed three times and broke their embrace. "Shower now."
For the first time Jason quietly made his way to the bathroom, and turned on the water. As he took off his jumpsuit, and got into the shower, he pressed two fingers to his lips , and shut his eyes.
3 years later
Jason awoke to a worried looking Amata standing over him. He grabbed a pillow and put it over his head. "Go away. I'm tired." He said simply.
" you have to get up! My dad, and the officers are looking for you. They said your dad left the vault. T-They killed Jonas."
Jason shot up from the bed and looked at her with a furious face. "That's not funny. Why are you here so early?
Amata rolled her eyes, and sighed. It's noon, and I'm not kidding your dad is gone. You have to leave."
"And go where? They'll shoot me if I tried."
Amata held up a small pistol. "It's my dad's gun. I hope you won't need it, but just in case." She pushed the gun into his hands, and darted from the room.
Jason stared down at heavy, cold assortment of metal. He placed it in his pocket, and rushed over to his dresser. He picked up his old BB gun and used the strap on it to sling it on his back. He also grabbed a baseball bat that was chipping in multiple areas. He steoped out of his room, and looked down both ways of the hall. Red lights flashed furiously, as he made his way in the direction of the overseer's office. He turned the corner and came face to face with a man in a security outfit.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Deadman here, boy I've got a review for you! Don't panic, it's a good thing really. Seems like a great story actually. I'm probably going to go bad and read the first chapter before I continue this, maybe.
Okay so I'm short on time, I'll read it later. As for this chapter the start is confusing, he wakes up and he started wiping vomit off of him and the girl is holding her mouth, so did she vomit on him? Plus they went straight to kissing? Then he gets the snot beaten out of him by the father. It progressed really quickly, try to slow it down, we want details as readers.
Actually this entire chapter went really really fast. Don't get me wrong you wrote it very well, very few grammar mistakes, but it was super fast. It's almost like you are rushing to get the story to us. I mean we went from making out, getting the crap beaten out of him, to congratulations on the job, to your fathers gone and someones dead, you gotta run. All of that in a short amount of time. Slow down and give us detail, make me pour over the story, make me feel the pain, the emotion, the theme! I want to feel it, describe it! Slow down and add detail.
I only found one mistake really, and here it is.
" I heard you got a spot in maintenance. I'm so prour of you." It should be proud.
Overall it was a great story, just slow down and tell us more! Give me detail, and don't let the reader feel over whelmed. Don't rush through the whole thing, just space it out a little and give us the extra detail. I can't wait to see more but, until next time, happy writing!
Cheers,
Deadman XD
This is chapter 2 of the story. I recommend reading chapter 1. This whole series is a fanfic of Fallout 3. I understand people who have not played the game will think I am going too fast. The first 3 chapters are part of the prologue then the story gets interesting. I will take time in going through details next chapter. Thank you for the review.
I know, I read it, and I've played all the fallouts.
I like the dialogue between Amata, and Jason. Personally I think the scene with the two at the beginning was in excellent taste. Like I said before sex scenes that fill up the entire chapter are terrible, and makes me lose my faith in the main character. I like the tiny exchange between the two. Anything further might have been weird considering their age. I suppose there wasn't much character development in the prologue for dad in the games, and I like the appearance he had. Thank you for not god modding the main character. I swear I read a fan fiction where the lone wanderer had power armor during this part of the story. Next chapter is your last chance to really make the characters stand out. I am interested in what the fate of Butch and the overseer will be. Last thing don't don't don't feel that you need to make every death dramatic.