Young Writers Society

Hiya Morrigan,

I meant to review this a little while ago but it kept slipping my mind, so I hope you don't mind if I leave some thoughts for the start of RevMo.

I've got that finger snapping
Ray Charles on a crackling radio
kind of brilliance in my morning.

I really like how the sounds of the words "snapping" and "crackling" are so similar here, I think it really draws the reader into your poem. Within the first three lines (two, even), you've set the tone for your whole poem, and I love how you only continue to build on this image you've established. The one thing I might mention about this is that "in my morning" feels a little bit weaker than the rest. I wonder if "to my morning" might read better, but I'm not sure--it doesn't seem like there's anything that comes easily to mind to make this pop a little more. It's probably fine but just wanted to let you know how it felt to me!

My man takes my hand, and pulls me
through the doorway,

I like how again "man" and "hand" fit together so nicely; I don't think I hear the phrase "my man" used a lot, but I think it works perfectly with your structure and the tone you've established.

smelling like fresh cotton sheets,
singing notes that echo
through the house like a jazz fanfare;

(It's hard for me to break this poem up into chunks, which I also love! Even with punctuation and line breaks to separate things, it all flows together so well)
Great imagery with the cotton sheets, it matches the freshness of the morning really well. What I was thinking here was that "singing notes" is a little ambiguous. It's hard to imagine whether he is humming, or actually singing--and since it's notes and not words, what/how exactly is he singing? I realize this is kind of picky, but your other images are so strong that this one creates just the tiniest bit of disjointedness. I feel like "humming" or "crooning" would better characterize the song (though I guess you use humming later so maybe not!).

a golden trumpet announcing
that I have arrived. At last,
Ella sings, as we dance

Again, I love how the line about trumpets connects back to the "fanfare" of the line before, super smooth! I think that your usage of "At last" is interesting, but it doesn't quite work as well as it could, perhaps. With its positioning, it can function both as "I have arrived at last" and "At last Ella sings." That's really cool, but it seems to me that the first of those two makes more sense, with the arrival being expected--Ella singing seems unexpected (at least to readers?). If you punctuated it as "that I have arrived, at last; / Ella sings..." I think it would read a little bit better, but I can see how that also loses the second meaning a little bit. So no need to do that, but it's just a possibility.

in his bedroom, hardwood
floors and sunshine. I hold
my ear to his chest; the rhythm
sets the tempo of my steps,
and I find myself humming
along with his soul.

Much like the line about fresh sheets, I really love the imagery of "hardwood floors and sunshine." It really contributes to a fresh, open, feeling of morning that is present throughout the whole poem! I don't know how you picked out these specific images, but they're fantastic because they tell so much without being generic.

I was a little unsure about the narrator listening to "the rhythm;" the last line implies that it's the rhythm of his soul when I might've assumed a heartbeat from holding an ear to his chest? I'm not quite sure about the lack of an object of the rhythm appearing in that line, but I do really like the effect of turning away from the assumption of a heartbeat and going straight for the soul. Again, it goes along really well with everything else you've set up in this poem.

Overall, I really enjoyed this! You dive really deeply into a single mood and scene, and it's turned out beautifully. Any slight things I mentioned are probably just things that you can choose to play with if you want to, but other than that this feels really unified. As I mentioned before, I love how all of your lines flow into one another to create one overall movement. I love it!

-Q

Hello Morrigan!

This is a wonderful little poem. It feels jazzy, and I found myself snapping my fingers in my head. The words run smoothly when I read them. The last line is my favorite, but I also like:

At last,
Ella sings, as we dance
in his bedroom, hardwood
floors and sunshine.

The imagery is nice. When I read this, I picture a 1950s setting. I don't know why, but I do

Athena