Xaba doesn't think Lither, the chieftain, knows what he is doing. Xaba doesn't like this at all. Goblins do not do well against Dominion shiny-body-horse-souls. Xaba thinks it is time to leave! The Undone goblin tribe attacked the souls at dawn, before the long-hairs woke their stumpy-legged-young-ones. Ummmm, thought Xaba, me like stumpy-legged-young-ones. I will eat them tonight! Or at least that is what Xaba and the majority of his tribe had thought, before the Dominion arrived sooner than expected.
They planned accordingly with their War-Shaman before departure; they knew they could handle the masculine-short-hair soul, but not the shiny-body-horse-soul, which would come given enough time. Xaba was trained from birth to run from shiny-body-souls, but to sprint like Ur from shiny-body-horse-souls! Right now, Lither was not listening to wise procedure; he wanted to face shiny-body-horse-souls?! Shaking away his thoughts of hunger and ill-conceived hopes of facing these monstrosities, Xaba focused on his innate talent. Shivering and already soaked from working up a sweat provoked by fear, Xaba went to find a no-find-spot!
“Over here,” cried an old long-hair coming forth from the doorway to her square-wood-cave!
She jumped up and down as fast as the cloth, used for the exit-blocker on her wood-cave, was flapping in the wind! “I found the last one over here!” She pointed right at Xaba! “The goblins right-“
No! Xaba hadn’t realized he was left behind! However when the now-dead-long-hair pointed at him, he realized his comrades had gone…how?! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid Xaba! After silencing the old hag with an arrow to the throat, Xaba notched another arrow and crouched behind several barrels of apples sitting between the passage of two wood-caves. He swore he had been with the rest of the tribe! Xaba doesn't remember hearing an order of retreat, maybe because he wasn't there to hear it! "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid Xaba! Not again,” cried Xaba in Ganglish, goblin tongue. Lither knows what he is doing, Xaba doesn't! Xaba still doesn't!
“He got her good.” Xaba hunkered down and quivered behind the barrels at the sound of a shiny-body-soul who Xaba noticed, after peering through spaces between the barrels, had dismounted from his horse, a relief for Xaba seeing as he didn't have to worry about sprinting from horse-souls anymore…. The soul was tall, tan, and looked tasty! Why souls never eat themselves puzzled Xaba, they are so good! The only trouble with shiny-body-souls was just that, their hard shinny shell had to be pealed from their bodies. And…they were hard to make dead.
“Adam, John, and Michel, you three head back to Garshire with the report. Let them know we arrived just in time and will be settling here for the night. Goblins always think striking twice within a day is a smart idea. They are stupid creatures.” Commanded the soul standing beside the still-dead-long-hair . He looked really shinny to Xaba. Xaba has never seen a Very-bright-body-soul before, he only heard of them from tails of others. They wore shinier bodies than other shiny souls, and always lead the packs of shinny souls. Unable to understand their dumb tongue, he assumed they were speaking dumb stuff together. Souls were dumb…dumb, dumb, and dumb!
I want one as a pet! Xaba thought excitedly. His fear turned to delight and all recollection of the past engagements here where gone. It didn’t take much for Xaba to have an idea…and it didn’t take much for Xaba to not hold that idea back. Unable to control the idea of a soul for a pet, he ravaged over the idea with glee! We could take him on walks, and we could have him pee on a tree! Just like a four-legged-howling-fang-tooth that souls always seem to have tied up to their wood-caves! Xaba was still shaking, but the means for this had changed…Xaba was excited and ready to capture Very-bright-body-soul. An arrow to the leg always brought normal shiny-body-souls down, why not this one.
Just as the idea had occurred to Xaba, the three shiny-body-souls turned back into shiny-body-horse-souls, which scared Xaba, and then rode off. The soul was his! Screaming the war cry of a noble Undone, Xaba burst through the barrels, sending apples and several barrels into the air, and aimed his bow! The very-bright-body-soul turned in utter surprise. He’s mine! Cried out Xaba’s exceptionally wild thoughts as his arrow flew…and bounced off the shiny-body-soul…. It landed with a sorrowful thud. Xaba stood staring into the souls eyes for several seconds…dumbfounded by his shot. “Ahhhhhhhhh!” Xaba yelled in horror as he dropped his bow and ran down the dirt road between the wood-caves with his arms flailing behind him! Sheer dread had split open his skull and laid waste to his hopes of bringing home a soul pet! Now Xaba ran for his life…correction, he sprinted! The Very-bright-body-soul had turned back into a very-bright-body-horse-soul! Xaba ran wailing, crying, and screeching, in hopes that his fellow tribe had not been too far from the wood-cave-area. And he hoped they would hear his cries.
“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid Xaba!” Cried an exhausted and outmatched Xaba! “Not again!”
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hey
Okay I have to say you that your character names are Epic! I have never heard any names like these! I mean that's superb really!
Secondly, I think the plot was nice. I love stories like these!
Third, the message and description of the story were clear!
Fourth, the chapter was long enough to convey want you wanted to show!
Fifth, my hands ache and I can nly say one mre thing, this was incredible
Keep writing
Umaima
I appreciate the enthusiasm you had for the names! I like them too! Thanks for the review!
A story about goblin. I really like it, you are really in the mind of the simple creature. What I don't like is how you dive us into it too quickly. You throw in a ton of proper nouns, names, things, places, I really don't want that in the first paragraph. I want you to establish yourself, establish the setting, establish the feeling, establish the character, introduce the character. I want to know who Xaba is before anyone else. I don't want to just be told "Xaba" I want to know he is a goblin.
I think you need an entire introducing paragraph with some descriptive language in it. Where are these goblins? Is it their hole? What do they look like. You could even go 'hobbit style' just for one paragraph to introduce everything.
In the above quote I have bolded the issues.
-Xaba. Introduce him first, he's just a name here.
-Lither. I have a sort of idea, he's the chieftain, use some adjectives like, 'the good-for-nothing chieftain', or 'stupid chieftain who feel into that ambush'.
-Dominion. I'm guessing they're the enemy/humans
-shiny-body-horse. This confused me enough I don't understand this whole souls thing. You should describe that goblins see souls or something.
-long hairs and stumpies. You need to find a way to say this while conveying to the reader what you mean.
-The final bold bit you completely change tense/perspective! Ah! Technically it was in First person even though Xaba used his name for pronouns. Then you changed it. It was very uncomfortable.
Thanks for the review. I made a "take two" version of this before I found out you could simply edit a post from the publishing center. However, I know some of these things weren't addressed in the "take two" version either. Thankfully, my cognitive processing kicked in and I began to develop those aspects with the non-existent "take three."
However, there are still somethings you pointed out that I will certainly take into consideration.
P.S. 'Hobbit style'... loved it!
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Technical first:
What's your verb tense? You keep jumping sporadically back and forth between present and past tense. Please pick one and stick with it.
"to run from shiny-body-souls, but to sprint like Ur from", why is the "but" there? It's just out of place. Delete it.
"He looked really shinny to Xaba", "shiny" not "shinny".
Content:
As much as I like fantasy, I found this a little...strange. You are trying to make the goblins primitive, but this Xaba comes across as a really dumb, non-schizophrenic, cannibal Gollum. And I understand the triple-hyphenated-words thing, but it makes it a little hard to read at times.
Hope this helps!
Reviewing for the Knights of the Green Room be Knight Malachi.
He looked really shinny to Xaba. Xaba has never seen a Very-bright-body-soul before, he only heard of them from tails of other
It should be shiny instead of shinny, and tales instead of tails.
I understand how the writing is so simple because it is a goblin, but it is kind of like reading a five-year old book. Not that the writing itself is bad, but it doesn't seem be exciting and detailed enough.
I really don't know what anybody looks like at all. I assume the human was in armor and that is how he was so shiny, but if this story is to be detailed enough it will probably have to be written from the humans side of things, as well as the goblins.
Good things: you did get your dialogue lines in the correct places, and you divided up the paragraphs, allowing the chapter to be read much easier. I had to laugh at how dumb Xaba was. "Dumb, dumb, dumb! . . . Stupid, stupid, stupid!"
I appreciate the critique, thank you!