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Everbound Prologue : Tapestries And Temptations.

by Moonlily


Just before we start, I want to say a few things, firstly this deals with myths around Heaven and Hell in a way not meant to offend. Secondly, this is a very rough draft so the prose/grammar might not be to the best  of my ability. Thirdly, the next chapter, if you want to keep up might have a bit of language. Thanks. 

___________________________________________________________________________

Fates will is more than thrown-out dice or games played in the dark. For she has her own will moving, changing with every breath like all after her. Unknowable rules of the world and chance are instead her steady, hand weaving thousands of realities, every choice to be made into a tapestry as if merely thread. However, this hand is brought to an impasse, a figurative knot in the grand scheme dragging her back to Hell.

Early afternoon light bleached golden walls further elongating tall shadows, as the busy work of daily life imbues the air. Despite the calm surface of the empty, ever-growing bedroom, the air hangs heavy. As if a secondary presence tried to take up the ether forcing it downwards onto a lone figure. The very figure that lingers by the door as straight and as stern as a queen looking at her subjects. A single cranberry eyebrow raised like an uneasy wave of suspicion.

“You will not meet me physically, old friend? “The figure called, her voice bouncing off age-old vaulted ceilings.

For a second there was no response besides the shuffling feet of servants scattered around the oversized hallways. The air seemed to only grow in heft as if it gained consciousness and lunged forward like a nosy neighbour peering over a fence.

“The purpose of this meeting was so simple, I thought I didn't need to be in the flesh. “A voice ripped through the room although one of soft snark it seemed to devour it whole. “If you're that worried, Your Highness, I can assure you I  am just as real as the air in your lungs or the silk sheets you rest on. Just because you can't see me doesn't mean I’m not watching. “

An amused but polite smile that never could quite crossover into a grin graced the figure's pale face. A rogue freckle formed a kind of dimple on one cheek, cutting through the overall cold exterior. She moved forward from the door frame at her sides, still not relaxed as black silk dragged behind her. Its ripples seemed as measured as the owner was.

“Well, I knew that, Fate. I find it odd, that’s all. You come into my land, my palace, actually my bedroom of all places and won't appear in the flesh? “Life seemed to spark in the air between the small silent gaps like short bursts of electricity ebbing from an endless wire.

The figure said nothing more as she spun in tight circles, hoping to pinpoint Fate. A few strands of hair fell loose and burned a blood red in the light.

“We have known each other for as long as I have lived, although I would gladly take the gamble that you have known of me long before that. Still, you don't come even as a floating orb or gust of wind. “

The figure gave up on her spinning and sat herself down on an excessively plush chair. Her hand was mere inches away from a dark hardwood loom, a half-finished recreation of the garden lying just outside the window, sat centre stage.

Something mixed between a chuckle, and a sigh came from the air.

“If you must know, this a matter of temptation, a small mortal issue is all. “This time it was the figure's turn to chuckle as her eyebrow rose again. However, curiosity overtook uneasiness. It was then her body allowed her to register the familiar scents of nutmeg, cinnamon, fresh apples and the slightest undercurrent of dried blood. Stuck to her nose like a permanent perfume.

“You're in the right place my dear friend. “The figure waited for a second allowing the ruckus from below to filter in. Music blared from the streets as vendors called shrill advertisements for silks, pearls and other luxuries. Underneath this all, if one strained they could hear the soft footfall of dancers twirling.

“I would have been, regardless. After all, I need something from you.”

At once, the sound seemed to be pushed away, an unneeded distraction put out of reach. The figure's shoulders glided through her dress like a fish in a stream, highlighting the slight bulge of her muscles. In a second she squared them, drawing in a deep breath letting the air give an unbothered mask about her. Except for her eyes, the hazy emerald colour shifted along a flurry of emotions. They never lightened in colour, instead they switched between dark greenish browns as the gears behind them sorted years' worth of worries in seconds. They only hardened into a warm, earthy, green as the figure gave into the silence.

“Now don't look at me like am asking you to kill someone. “Fate's voice was filled with dry amusement while the sun shifted and clouds darkened. “It might be in your skill set but what  I am asking for is a journal. The proof of your mundane life through words. “

The figure's shoulders softened like melting snow as she smoothed a stray hair behind her pierced ears. A red ink moved with the surface of her skin making it come alive just like the freckles it covered. The smirk born half out of relief and half out of wit forms without a second thought.

“ I’ve had thousands of mundane lives and had the proof for all of them. Even you, my dear can't expect me to be a mind reader, you’ll have to name one. “

“This one will be quite nostalgic for you. I need to borrow the first one However, I suppose that wasn't your doing but rather your husband’s. “ The figure sucked in a short breath as the clouds outside grew heavy and dark like they were angered.

“ I Am afraid that might be out of your skill set and not as cut and dry as either of us like. You are aware of just how old that journal is, right?” For once there was no answer due in a short time.

“We couldn't have left it rotting away in our hands, so we archived it. Taking it out will be a death sentence. I don't think the universe can stop it from crumbling in her grasp. “

The air heaved a long drawn-out but motherly sigh as if to command the room to her will. It slithered up her throat like a cold slick serpent coming to take the moisture from the figure's mouth, turning her tongue to a wad of sand. Her legs crossed with little thought, making a few new wrinkles in the black dress pooled around her lap. While her eyes turned to the solemn shadows dappling swaying tree branches.

“Something isn’t sitting right with you but you won't speak it. Unless I got the wrong golden palace in Hell, that’s not you. Go on. You're safe to speak. Not like you care for permission much, anyway.”

Her eyes didn’t move from thick twisted tree limbs, that came closer to the window like claws only to lose their nerve.

“Change is on the wind, isn’t it?”

“It always is, much like time it keeps coming without much hope of stopping it. Yet that's not what’s eating at you. “

“I know it has to do, with me or my land. After all, you ask for a very tender part of my past and I refuse to be one of your plan's puppets. Just come to me as a friend or equal, if you call on me at all.“

Something in the room stirred as if to shrug, a subtle current of air caught in movement.

“Have I ever come to you as a puppet? I come to you as you're the only one I trust to craft my plan into proper words.” Fate's voice was edging on warm as her voice seemed further away like she wished to not be in the room much longer. The rain and itsits drumming melody that had just begun, seemed to highlight every word.

A sense of relief yet weary dread spread like split ink through all of The Figure's nerves. The feeling was like a thousand needles through her taller being some dull, but most are pinpricks of concern. All that came out was a short hitched breath.

“These changes… We will either prosper or be led into ruin. Might I ask which? “

In, a single moment the presence of something other than the figure itself seemed to evaporate like morning fog. Leaving behind the hint of a few words with it.

“I expected you to know by now change isn't simply good nor bad.”


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Thu Jul 25, 2024 9:35 am
Purple67 wrote a review...



As of right now, I really need some extra points for my future works to be posted on YWS and since this story sounds great just from the prologue alone, I feel like I can give an review. Please note all of this is my personal, constructive opinion. You are free to take or subtract from what I say with ease without my negative input if any.

As an novel reader and writer, the first thing I both loved and didn't like so much were the amount of descriptions. Yes, the descriptions made it have an lot of personality often lacking in works I read, but the sheer volume of them is sort of overwhelming. it seems like each paragraph has an lengthy description broken up by an piece of dialogue. I get if people like this style, but I would personally recommend having an little less and cutting back an bit to focus on the important details like where this character sits as they are in currently and how do they perceive such things. If such things have been said already, then I am so sorry for rehashing the content. Still, I do like that it has interesting, vivid descriptions. i just want it to be more precise and focused. That's all.

I do love the fact that you explain all of the paranormal details so well that it feels fresh and new to me coming from an reader who likes Twilight, for example. It feels magical, yet sort of dark and substantial. I also love how the character interacts with this figure. Personally, it fits well for how people would usually react if they saw an mysterious figure that they knew yet didn't at the same time. The character Fate to me is quite relatable because of that aspect.

I also want to make an personal statement. You got an lot done better than most who start out--- and that gives you an HUGE advantage towards an career if you truly want one. I personally think the concept is unique enough but still able to be published as an fantasy story alongside the others. I appreciate it.

Overall, the only thing I would tweak is the amount of description in each paragraph. But again, all of this is all my personal opinion. No need to agree if you don't want to. I do think what you have right now with your story is more than enough, so I may review the rest of the chapters in the future.

Thank you for reading this lengthy review. Have an nice day/night. Goodbye.

- Purple67




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Fri Jun 21, 2024 6:05 pm
JsAWriter says...



Oooh. Pretty immersive ngl. Really unique and interesting story. I feel like I’m totally witnessing something I shouldn’t ahaha.




JsAWriter says...


I just realized how short mine is compared to other peoples but I agree with everything they say. So really think of my review as all their positive comments combined into one.



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Wed Jun 12, 2024 4:17 am
GoldenFlower wrote a review...



Howdy Hey~
Golden Flower here to give my very first review on this site, as well as my very first review anywhere. I am by no means a professional, nor do I think I will ever become one. Because of that, I apologize for any rambles, inaccurate guesses, incorrect writing assumptions, or lacking’s in writing knowledge in general as I write this. Ironically, I am writing this part of the review last so let’s hope me from half an hour ago wasn’t a complete idiot in this. Now, without further ado, lets review.

First Impressions:
'“Fates will is more than thrown-out dice or games played in the dark. For she has her own will moving, changing with every breath like all after her. Unknowable rules of the world and chance are instead her steady, hand weaving thousands of realities, every choice to be made into a tapestry as if merely thread. However, this hand is brought to an impasse, a figurative knot in the grand scheme dragging her back to Hell.”'

Amazing hook, establishing Fate as a thinking and planning being who weaves reality as we know it by their design is an amazing start to a story. Then ending the hook by dragging Fate, and by proxy the reader, to Hell, which seems to be a key part of the novel is such a fun start.
Also adding context of Hell being somewhere Fate has gone to before and that just because Fate weaves through thousands of realities, they are not a perfect figure, as shown by them being brought to an impasse by someone or something.

Love the descriptors within both the bedroom and the mysterious figure, as well as establishing more of this world through the secondary presence in the room with her. Also, by setting both that the figure resides in a location fit for a ruler while labelled her as “stern as a queen” but not a queen also gives more mystique as to who this figure is and what her deal is within the world, as her casual remark of old friend towards the presence, aka Fate, gives a lot of room for speculation.

‘“If you're that worried, Your Highness, I can assure you I am just as real as the air in your lungs or the silk sheets you rest on. Just because you can't see me doesn't mean I’m not watching. “’

No matter how friendly a being, that will always be a terrifying statement and adds so much to what it means to be visited by Fate. When the very air you breathe speaks to you as a chatty neighbor. Also showing with the figure a professional holding of oneself while also giving us some small insights on her personality behind it. While still showing that she is not relaxed while having this discussion, but still showing amusement.

Confirms she lives in a palace and that it is hers, while also adding more to how she still wonders why Fate is speaking as pure nothing instead of something. Love the descriptions of how she looks alongside her actions as well, keeps it fresh and dynamic to read. As well as more detail provided through both a garden present outside the window, a loom which the figure uses, and that the figure has faith that even before she was born Fate knew who she was.

We reach the presumably main point at hand, a “small mortal issue” as well as Fate needing something from the figure for said issue. Adding the smells of nutmeg, cinnamon, fresh apples, and a slight smell of dried blood is also an interesting touch and will likely be brought back at some point or is connected to one or both characters within this scene. I enjoy the addition of the sounds of the life going on outside of this conversation, gives a bit more to the scene by showing life outside of our focus.

So much here is given to the figure while giving away so little and I love it. The noises indicating life outside pushed away as merely a distraction to the matter, showing both an elegance and strength just by the figure squaring her muscles, taking a breath to show indifference while her eyes indicate her worries through swirls of colour, once again giving us another character detail through storytelling and showing. With then all those worries turning into a “warm, earthy, green” while staying hardened for the next moments.

Only for Fate to be amused, while at the same time giving a sense of foreboding through the clouds darkening. Alongside adding the detail of the figure being capable of killing someone, and possibly the implication of Fate asking for such a task in the past. Then adding it all together for the request of a journal, calling it mundane while clearly holding some value or importance for Fate herself to request it. The figure’s response of being relieved and automatically prepared to continue the conversation as before is also a nice detail.

It was implied due to the relationship inferred between the figure and Fate but seeing that the figure has had thousands of lives confirms the supernatural air to her as well as Fate. Makes me curious what we will see of the figure later on.

The First Journal, one made by the figure’s Husband, the mystery grows and the suspense raises as the clouds continue to darken. Then the hiccup of it being archived and likely too old to properly take out of said archives. Showing Fate’s presence once again as well through the sigh and the entire room seeming to follow the action. Then showing again the figure having a lot of freedom around Fate, seemingly ignoring permission in the past and being accepted to speak her mind.

“Change is on the wind, isn’t it?” Just yes.

Again, the fascinating relationship between Fate herself and a mysterious figure who is beyond mortal herself. Also, the warmth shown via Fate is an interesting touch, as well as adding a dichotomy as the storm begins picking up just as Fate is ready to leave. And oh, that ending, “change isn’t simply good nor bad”, oh that’s great. Yeah, this will be fun to witness unfold.

Characters:
-Fate:

Overall, a fascinating character already. Seeing the very concept of Fate itself exist with a personality and her own goals adds such a Presence within the prologue, especially with how easily it seems her control is established by the world seemingly warping around her even as she does not physically exist. Showing that even as fate itself that there are things that impede her plans also gives us room to see possible limitations for the character, and the chances of that being exploited for either good or bad means in the future.
Her connection with the figure is especially fun, and seeing her warmth while also being able to instill dread through words gives us a lot about her history and personality.

The Figure:

Mysterious and fabulous. Showing an elegance and control that will likely be present in the future while showing some playful moments behind the mask of calm is a wonderful start for a character, we do not even know the name to. Also giving us a lot of small information that cannot truly give us a lot of insight without future context adds to the overall mystique. I am extremely curious to what she will do as this continues and if her husband will get involved within the stories events as well.

The husband:

He has likely existed as long as the figure and made a journal that Fate needs. That is currently about it but still intrigued.

Edits:
As you state at the beginning, this is a rough draft and as such some grammar may not be the best. For the most part that is all I really noticed that was off. Mainly a period here or an extra comma that should be removed there that would trip the flow a little but if there were any grammatical errors I could not notice while reading.

I saw a couple reviews about these chapters mention tenses, but since I am not a professional and have not done much personal writing this year, I am not fit to give corrections regarding that area.
I noticed in some cases paragraphs would have a small indent while others didn’t, but that is likely just formatting on the site itself and there was no hassle with it.

Style:
As a non-professional who has never done a review in her life, this style is delicious, and I adore it. It gives a gravitas and depth to everything while keeping a nice flow that feels very unique compared to other stuff I’ve read in the past. The flow of descriptions, dialogue, and character is amazing and gives a life to the world and story that I feel will only continue to grow the further we go. The mystery aspects are also elevated because of your style as well.

Final Thoughts:
Overall, this was a fun piece to read and review and I am absolutely going to come back for later chapters. I am sorry if I am slow in reviewing as I am not the best at keeping on top of things I wish to work on at times. Keep on blossoming with your creativity and until next time.

Ta-Ta For Now~




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Mon Jun 10, 2024 2:17 pm
goodolnoah wrote a review...



Hello there, one of King Koopa’s loyal henchmen, here!

Hello there! ~ Writing Commentary

Early afternoon light bleached golden walls further elongating tall shadows, as the busy work of daily life imbues the air. Despite the calm surface of the empty, ever-growing bedroom, the air hangs heavy. As if a secondary presence tried to take up the ether forcing it downwards onto a lone figure. The very figure that lingers by the door as straight and as stern as a queen looking at her subjects. A single cranberry eyebrow raised like an uneasy wave of suspicion.


This is a really good description for an opening! It feels like the beginning of a movie the way my “eye” is drawn across the proverbial screen I make up in my mind.

At once, the sound seemed to be pushed away, an unneeded distraction put out of reach. The figure's shoulders glided through her dress like a fish in a stream, highlighting the slight bulge of her muscles. In a second she squared them, drawing in a deep breath letting the air give an unbothered mask about her. Except for her eyes, the hazy emerald colour shifted along a flurry of emotions. They never lightened in colour, instead they switched between dark greenish browns as the gears behind them sorted years' worth of worries in seconds. They only hardened into a warm, earthy, green as the figure gave into the silence.


I don’t even know what to say…This description is electric! Overall, your writing in this prologue is on point! I do have a couple minor grammar recommendations.

Some recommendations…

Unknowable rules of the world and chance are instead her steady, hand weaving thousands of realities


I don’t think a comma is necessary in between steady in hand. If I was saying this out loud it would seem I pause in the middle of a statement.

A voice ripped through the room although one of soft snark it seemed to devour it whole.


This quote may look better like this
“A voice ripped through the room. Although one of soft snark, it seemed to devour it whole.”

“If you must know, this a matter of temptation, a small mortal issue is all. “


I think you would want to put “is” between “this and a

I need to borrow the first one However, I suppose that wasn't your doing but rather your husband’s.


I think you’d want a period after “first one”

Love and…Fate ~ Story Commentary

Wow! This prologue seems to be very ominous…It has a perfect air about it that would lead the reader to want to find out more. It seems like this woman is making a deal with Fate to change something about the world…Considering they speak about either prospering or being led to war…It feels like anything and everything is on the table here, and I can’t wait to see where we go from here!

Change is afoot ~ Closer

Awesome prologue, can’t wait to check out more!




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Sat Jun 01, 2024 3:30 pm
Kaia wrote a review...



Whoop, whoop! I have finally arrived. Dearest apologies for being so late!! But here I am! In advance Id like to warn you that I am a very detailed reviewer so you may expect many tiny details to be pointed out :D

Here goes!

Hmm...so we have Fate and a mysterious woman with very intricate descriptions in this scene. You did a really good job of describing the setting. I can easily picture this place which I almost would describe as an underground vault has it not been for your details about the smells that the woman can smell when she gets her human form back and the sound of daily life beyond the walls. So I'm glad you mentioned that detail! Now my question is if this place is even real. Can the people living their life outside see and know about these two characters, them being so wrapped in mystery and supernaturality?

Well just have to see I suppose. The conversation was pretty well developed but I do feel that it was lengthy given that not a whole lot happened for this first scene. However that may be expected as this is just a prologue. I dont have a lot else to say on that.

Now for my critiques. (Warning they are extremely petty)

Early afternoon light bleached golden walls further elongating tall shadows, as the busy work of daily life imbues the air. Despite the calm surface of the empty, ever-growing bedroom, the air hangs heavy. As if a secondary presence tried to take up the ether forcing it downwards onto a lone...


A few suggestions. One, maybe put a hyphen between light bleached. I don't know that part was kind of a mouthful to read I that makes sense. Also, you switched tenses in that part which really threw me off. It went from past to present and I feel like that happened a few other places so if you intend on editing I would watch for that. Also the sentence starting with "as if" is technically a fragment. Try combining that with the sentence before it.

single cranberry eyebrow raised like an uneasy wave of suspicion.

Well this isn't really a critique. This is a compliment because that is FABULOUS sentence. Firstly, it gives you a very vivid image of what is being talked about and two it gets some action in there. It's not "he has cranberry eyebrows" it's the action of the rising eyebrows that brings attention to the color. Good job!!

Fates will is more than thrown-out dice or games played in the dark. For she has her own will moving, changing with every breath like all after her. Unknowable rules of the world and chance are instead her steady, hand weaving thousands of realities, every

Put an apostrophe in "Fates." Put a comma after moving to help add a natural pause there.


You will not meet me physically, old friend? “The figure called, her voice bouncing off age-old vaulted ceilings.
I noticed this a lot in the dialogue that you put a space between the end quotation marks. You don't need to do that. It will also make the quotation marks follow the word after the dialogue. So if I were saying, "Hey look!" I'd close the quotation marks right after the punctuation mark instead of putting a space in between like this, "Hey look! "See how it tries to follow the next sentence? Just thought I'd point that out really quickly.

This one will be quite nostalgic for you. I need to borrow the first one However, I suppose that wasn't your doing but rather your husband
just a missed period after "one."

And that's it for my critiques!! But one last thing before I go, YOU HAVE EXCELLENT description skills!! I have never heard of the creative expressions or phrases like the ones you used. And they all helped out to bring a really excellent mental image of what you were describing. You have serious talent in that direction. The scene was very vivid in my mind!

Wishing you all the best!
-Kaia




Moonlily says...


Thank you!



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Mon May 27, 2024 2:24 pm
Ley wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here at your request, thanks for leaving a comment on my Will Review For Food Thread! Let's get straight into this customized review, made specifically for you! :D

I'm not going to use my Potato Chip method today because this is a rather short piece, so I'll try to keep it as simple and direct as possible while also giving helpful tips on how to improve this. I won't focus on grammar or tenses, as you made it clear that this is just a rough draft, so I'll focus more on the content, flow, characters, and literary devices you used here.

First Impressions: Alrighty, so it seems like we have fantasy/supernatural story here! First of all, I was drawn to Fate (and loved how you made Fate into a real life entity, not just a thing, if you know what I mean?) because they sounded wise to me. Fate is inevitable. The queen seemed super put off by Fate's request, which is also understandable. So, there are two sides here, per my interpretation: the queen is not dying, but has a fragility about her past. The tension here does suggest she could be under significant stress, but dying? Not sure about that. I'll have to see a bit later on xD

Room for Improvement: I have a few pointers for making this an even more encapsulating read, throughout:

Adding a timeframe for the queen to make this decision and report back to Fate may create even more tension for the general story. I know this is a prologue, but adding something that makes the retrieval of the journal more urgent can really hike up the stakes. I also think that instead of a voice, and this is just my personal opinion, if Fate actually showed up physically, for just a second, that would add even more intrigue to this story. Even if it's for a brief period of time, it'd add to the mysterious and ethereal vibe this piece is giving.

Overall: This was a great read! I'm excited to read the rest of the story, and I appreciate you sharing this with us <3. I hope this review was up to your expectations. Enjoy the rest of your day, and I'll be back to review more and finish your requests by the end of the week!

Happy Writing!

Ley <3




Moonlily says...


Thank you for the feedback I will keep it mind for the next draft!



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Mon May 20, 2024 12:56 am
Avian wrote a review...



Hello! Thank you so much for requesting a review on my forum! With this review, I'll try my best to really focus on the small details of your writing. So far, you've got some wonderful prose and an interesting hook. I'm excited to see where this story takes us!

Since you mentioned that this was a rough draft, I won't talk too much about grammar. However, there were a few errors that made the story a little difficult to read. Something as simple as a grammar checker (something like Grammarly) can help with that. (I genuinely would not survive without Grammarly.)

Fates will is more than thrown-out dice or games played in the dark. For she has her own will moving, changing with every breath like all after her.

This first line immediately caught my attention. This sentence really sets the tone for what the rest of the chapter feels like. The imagery this line created was the perfect set-up for the chapter. I also love the personification of Fate. I just love personification in general, so this story really intrigues me!

Early afternoon light bleached golden walls further elongating tall shadows, as the busy work of daily life imbues the air. Despite the calm surface of the empty, ever-growing bedroom, the air hangs heavy. As if a secondary presence tried to take up the ether forcing it downwards onto a lone figure. The very figure that lingers by the door as straight and as stern as a queen looking at her subjects. A single cranberry eyebrow raised like an uneasy wave of suspicion.

Looking at this paragraph, there are a few things I noticed. First off, you've got some amazing prose going on here! The mood you created with the first paragraph flows effortlessly into this one.

The next thing I noticed was that you used inconsistent verb tense in this paragraph. There are uses of past and present tense in this paragraph. An example of this is the words bleached (past) versus hangs (present). This is just one example, but make sure to keep the same verb tense throughout the paragraph. :D

One last thing for this paragraph. Although this is beautifully written, I feel like the use of the last simile doesn't quite convey its meaning. It is hard for me to picture exactly what an "uneasy wave of suspicion" exactly is. Choosing different sentence structure or word choice might help portray this description better.

“If you're that worried, Your Highness, I can assure you I am just as real as the air in your lungs or the silk sheets you rest on. Just because you can't see me doesn't mean I’m not watching. “

Something that I really admire about your writing is that the dialogue matches the writing style. This is especially tricky for me because I like writing with intricate prose, but then my dialogue feels lacking. The Figure and Fate both seem to talk in a very specific and proper manner, which perfectly correlates with your writing style.

Fate also seems to be quite the mysterious character, not to mention her ominous powers of "not appearing in the flesh" (I'm not sure what else to call it) It makes me wonder what other forms Fate can appear in. I'm excited to find out!

Music blared from the streets as vendors called shrill advertisements for silks, pearls and other luxuries. Underneath this all, if one strained they could hear the soft footfall of dancers twirling.

I love this description, but it also confused me. The previous descriptions say that the two characters are in The Figure's bedroom, but then I read this. It's not very clear to me where or how the characters are observing these sights and sounds. It could be coming from a window, or possibly a balcony in the character's room, but it was never clarified. It does say "the ruckus from below," but the readers don't know where or what "below" is. It could be a market, a party, a festival, or simply the streets as they are. Even a small clarification surrounding this would be helpful. : )

“ I’ve had thousands of mundane lives and had the proof for all of them. Even you, my dear can't expect me to be a mind reader, you’ll have to name one. “

This really caught my attention! It seems that The Figure is a much more complex character than I originally thought. This adds much more depth to the story that I want to know more about! You did well with adding hints of mystery throughout the piece.

During the latter part of The Figure and Fate's conversation, I got a little bit lost in who was saying what. Now, not every piece of dialogue needs a direct dialogue tag, which you also did a really good job with. It's typically better to avoid things like "he said" "she said" over and over again.

However, when one character is doing an action, you should pair it either with their own dialogue or keep it as its own paragraph. I think there were a few instances when Fate's dialogue was in the same paragraph as The Figure's actions, or vice versa. This can be confusing, especially when two characters have the same pronouns. (In this case, "she")

Overall, I think you have a lot of amazing things happening in this story so far. I'm super excited to see where it goes. It seems there is a lot of world-building that I have yet to discover! :D

Keep writing! -Avian




Moonlily says...


Thank you for the feedback I will keep it in mind for the next draft :)



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Tue Apr 30, 2024 10:55 pm
Inferno wrote a review...



Hi Moonlily! Let's get started.

First off, OHMYGOSHHOWISTHISSOGOODTHISISAMAZINGHOWHOWHOW!!!! *gasps for air* Ahem. I'm so honored that you dubbed me worthy of reviewing this masterpiece!

...this is a very rough draft so the prose/grammar might not be to the best of my ability.

Rough draft... rough draft! ROUGH DRAFT?! Your "rough draft" makes all of my final drafts seem like absolute rubbish!

ANYway. You have such an expansive vocabulary (although I say that in a lot of my reviews... Maybe it's just me with the limited vocab...) and I love how your descriptions are very visual, so I can picture each scene.
A rogue freckle formed a kind of dimple on one cheek, cutting through the overall cold exterior. She moved forward from the door frame at her sides, still not relaxed as black silk dragged behind her. Its ripples seemed as measured as the owner was.

Wow. It's amazing how you keep it consistently intriguing throughout the whole story. Even though it wasn't the longest piece of writing, it still took me quite a while to read. I read each sentence at least 3 times, pondering how in the world someone could be so genius:0.

Okay, there were a couple minor errors.
Fates will is more than thrown-out dice or games played in the dark.

Another beautifully constructed line, but I think you are meaning to say "the will of Fate". If so, you need to put a apostrophe in "Fate's" to describe that the "will" is belonging to "Fate".

Here's another one:
Despite the calm surface of the empty, ever-growing bedroom, the air hangs heavy. As if a secondary presence tried to take up the ether forcing it downwards onto a lone figure.

Ah! A very descriptive tidbit. Wonderfully done there. Just one thing, I think that is meant to be in one sentence. If you read:
As if a secondary presence tried to take up the ether forcing it downwards onto a lone figure.

by itself, it doesn't sound right. Hence, it would work better if you combined the two sentences, like so:
Despite the calm surface of the empty, ever-growing bedroom, the air hangs heavy, as if a secondary presence tried to take up the ether forcing it downwards onto a lone figure.


You need a pause here:
A voice ripped through the room although one of soft snark it seemed to devour it whole.

If you read it through without pausing, it sounds kind of off, doesn't it? Maybe rewrite it like this:
A voice ripped through the room, although one of soft snark it seemed to devour it whole.

That sounds better, right?

You need a pause here too:
A sense of relief yet weary dread spread like split ink through all of The Figure's nerves

Hm... Again, if you read it through, it sounds a tad odd. You need a ,, or () or even a --. Don't know what I mean? It's like this:
A sense of relief, yet weary dread, spread like split ink through all of The Figure's nerves

or
A sense of relief (yet weary dread) spread like split ink through all of The Figure's nerves

or even
A sense of relief -yet weary dread- spread like split ink through all of The Figure's nerves

You can choose which one to use!

Reminder: THIS IS YOUR WRITING!
If you aren't sure about my corrections, feel free to keep it how it is! It's beautiful either way. NEVER let ANYONE force you to change your work. You do you.

In general, I thoroughly enjoyed reading and reviewing this piece. Keep writing!
Inferno.




Moonlily says...


Hey, thank you for the feedback I will keep it in mind for the next draft. I am glad you enjoyed Evebound and despite the occasional strong language, I do hope you take a look at the other chapters. Writing has been a long-lasting passion for me. :)



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Sat Apr 13, 2024 7:00 am
22Midnight wrote a review...



Hi names 22Midnight
hope your doing well, let's get into it! I don't always say this but i must warn you I can be very dramatic

First Impression: This going to probably be going into great depth about heaven and hell and how different both meanings are so looking forward to finding out what you've written, also love the book cover that you've made for this.

Fates will is more than thrown-out dice or games played in the dark. For she has her own will moving, changing with every breath like all after her. Unknowable rules of the world and chance are instead her steady, hand weaving thousands of realities, every choice to be made into a tapestry as if merely thread. However, this hand is brought to an impasse, a figurative knot in the grand scheme dragging her back to Hell.


The anger wow she sounds like she might just come out from her dark hole and strangle you with her blood covered hands cool
this line shows strength and anger combined very good way to start it off to draw readers in

Early afternoon light bleached golden walls further elongating tall shadows, as the busy work of daily life imbues the air. Despite the calm surface of the empty, ever-growing bedroom, the air hangs heavy. As if a secondary presence tried to take up the ether forcing it downwards onto a lone figure. The very figure that lingers by the door as straight and as stern as a queen looking at her subjects. A single cranberry eyebrow raised like an uneasy wave of suspicion.


lovely place awesome this must be heaven XD no body move the queens seen a problem i love cranberries though is this what her eyebrows are made of can i eat it.
lovely description here it gave me a real sense of wonder on what was happening and who the main character telling this story is.

“You will not meet me physically, old friend? “The figure called, her voice bouncing off age-old vaulted ceilings.

For a second there was no response besides the shuffling feet of servants scattered around the oversized hallways. The air seemed to only grow in heft as if it gained consciousness and lunged forward like a nosy neighbour peering over a fence.


she sounds scary whoever shes talking to at least this is a friend or is it
every line seems to be captivating me further into the story so far I have nothing negative to say.
one spelling mistake noticed on the last line after nosy, neighbour should be spelt without the u neighbor simple mistake i make these all the time >:)

“The purpose of this meeting was so simple, I thought I didn't need to be in the flesh. “A voice ripped through the room although one of soft snark it seemed to devour it whole. “If you're that worried, Your Highness, I can assure you I am just as real as the air in your lungs or the silk sheets you rest on. Just because you can't see me doesn't mean I’m not watching. “


this got me laughing in a very nerves way like who is this and why is he or she speaking to the queen like that, like hello you need to see me but not see me that make any sense
this was quite funny and gave me a little laugh despite the tension that's growing because of the obvious power the queen has.

An amused but polite smile that never could quite crossover into a grin graced the figure's pale face. A rogue freckle formed a kind of dimple on one cheek, cutting through the overall cold exterior. She moved forward from the door frame at her sides, still not relaxed as black silk dragged behind her. Its ripples seemed as measured as the owner was.


even she's amused by what was just said brilliant way to ease the tension hey, okay now i'm scared why did she just start walking never mind not a good way to ease tension and that black silk stuff i want it.

“Well, I knew that, Fate. I find it odd, that’s all. You come into my land, my palace, actually my bedroom of all places and won't appear in the flesh? “Life seemed to spark in the air between the small silent gaps like short bursts of electricity ebbing from an endless wire.


Oof you should up in her bedroom and couldn't even have the guts to show yourself fully, but wait how did she know you where there if she can't see? interesting some super power or something.

The figure said nothing more as she spun in tight circles, hoping to pinpoint Fate. A few strands of hair fell loose and burned a blood red in the light.

“We have known each other for as long as I have lived, although I would gladly take the gamble that you have known of me long before that. Still, you don't come even as a floating orb or gust of wind. “


oh maybe she really doesn't know where Fate is but just knows that Fate's there, and she needs to find them, this Fate makes me amused i'm laughing so hard right now.

The figure gave up on her spinning and sat herself down on an excessively plush chair. Her hand was mere inches away from a dark hardwood loom, a half-finished recreation of the garden lying just outside the window, sat centre stage.

Something mixed between a chuckle, and a sigh came from the air.


me currently closing my eyes to imagine this beautiful room that they must be in, yep a queens room for sure, don't chuckle or sigh it's creepy when it comes form someone like you
another spelling mistake noticed centre should be spelt with the re the other way round center again simple mistake

“If you must know, this a matter of temptation, a small mortal issue is all. “This time it was the figure's turn to chuckle as her eyebrow rose again. However, curiosity overtook uneasiness. It was then her body allowed her to register the familiar scents of nutmeg, cinnamon, fresh apples and the slightest undercurrent of dried blood. Stuck to her nose like a permanent perfume.


now why has Fate come explain yourself it is hopefully something useful right, i think actually is more scary if she'd chuckle then Fate for some reason so maybe that first chuckle isn't that bad maybe. hmm nutmeg, cinnamon and fresh apples that is a wonderful smell together wait dried blood :shock: did she just have this blood in her nose or did she kill someone?

“You're in the right place my dear friend. “The figure waited for a second allowing the ruckus from below to filter in. Music blared from the streets as vendors called shrill advertisements for silks, pearls and other luxuries. Underneath this all, if one strained they could hear the soft footfall of dancers twirling.

“I would have been, regardless. After all, I need something from you.”


i'm getting such vibes of cool calmness right now this is sending tingles up my spine but in a good way, i love the stuff going on below could you go down there and do something fun the tension in here is strong, just kidding carry on *nerves laugh* haha

At once, the sound seemed to be pushed away, an unneeded distraction put out of reach. The figure's shoulders glided through her dress like a fish in a stream, highlighting the slight bulge of her muscles. In a second she squared them, drawing in a deep breath letting the air give an unbothered mask about her. Except for her eyes, the hazy emerald colour shifted along a flurry of emotions. They never lightened in colour, instead they switched between dark greenish browns as the gears behind them sorted years' worth of worries in seconds. They only hardened into a warm, earthy, green as the figure gave into the silence.


as much as I do like all the description i must say this was hard to keep up with and i had to read it more then once to really try to see all of which you where explaining, i love the description though its wonderful but maybe don't bury it so heavily into one paragraph, separate it out between them talking it might make it easier to keep up with and won't seem over loaded, this is just my opinion though be free to ignore it.

“Now don't look at me like am asking you to kill someone. “Fate's voice was filled with dry amusement while the sun shifted and clouds darkened. “It might be in your skill set but what I am asking for is a journal. The proof of your mundane life through words. “

The figure's shoulders softened like melting snow as she smoothed a stray hair behind her pierced ears. A red ink moved with the surface of her skin making it come alive just like the freckles it covered. The smirk born half out of relief and half out of wit forms without a second thought.


Fate your already my favorite character without even really trying I hope your always going to be here with all your funniness. did she really think that Fate was going to ask her to kill someone? because she looks real relieved about it lol

“ I’ve had thousands of mundane lives and had the proof for all of them. Even you, my dear can't expect me to be a mind reader, you’ll have to name one. “

“This one will be quite nostalgic for you. I need to borrow the first one However, I suppose that wasn't your doing but rather your husband’s. “ The figure sucked in a short breath as the clouds outside grew heavy and dark like they were angered.


yes go ahead and name one I'm super ready and waiting for the reveal, her husbands what did he do! i didn't even no she had a husband okay or is he dead? cool now it's getting good and the clouds are telling you something dangerous might happen soon.

“ I Am afraid that might be out of your skill set and not as cut and dry as either of us like. You are aware of just how old that journal is, right?” For once there was no answer due in a short time.

“We couldn't have left it rotting away in our hands, so we archived it. Taking it out will be a death sentence. I don't think the universe can stop it from crumbling in her grasp. “


it's a journal none the less just give it to Fate and let Fate mess with it will you, wait am I confused because you've lost me when Fate said crumbling in her grasp, who's grasp? I've got so many question maybe they'll be answered later.

The air heaved a long drawn-out but motherly sigh as if to command the room to her will. It slithered up her throat like a cold slick serpent coming to take the moisture from the figure's mouth, turning her tongue to a wad of sand. Her legs crossed with little thought, making a few new wrinkles in the black dress pooled around her lap. While her eyes turned to the solemn shadows dappling swaying tree branches.


mother nature's not sure about this hole thing, hmm seems to me like Fate might be wanting to mess around with something he shouldn't be even touching.

“Something isn’t sitting right with you but you won't speak it. Unless I got the wrong golden palace in Hell, that’s not you. Go on. You're safe to speak. Not like you care for permission much, anyway.”

Her eyes didn’t move from thick twisted tree limbs, that came closer to the window like claws only to lose their nerve.


I see so where in hell great, i so want to know the name of who Fate's talking to, also Fate you really are amusing like yeah she don't wait for permission that's not a word in her vocabulary.

“Change is on the wind, isn’t it?”

“It always is, much like time it keeps coming without much hope of stopping it. Yet that's not what’s eating at you. “

“I know it has to do, with me or my land. After all, you ask for a very tender part of my past and I refuse to be one of your plan's puppets. Just come to me as a friend or equal, if you call on me at all.“


Fate i think that would be a no to the hole getting a peace of her past thing, also wow now she's calling her self a puppet to him hows he going to take that.

Something in the room stirred as if to shrug, a subtle current of air caught in movement.

“Have I ever come to you as a puppet? I come to you as you're the only one I trust to craft my plan into proper words.” Fate's voice was edging on warm as her voice seemed further away like she wished to not be in the room much longer. The rain and itsits drumming melody that had just begun, seemed to highlight every word.


Aww Fates just trying to be nice he don't mean any harm, or maybe he wants to steal her land, naa his a funny character who's to gentle of a soul to do that right.
not sure if you meant to do this or not but none the less itsits should have a space in between it, its its also not sure if you meant to put two its in there if not then just thought i'd point it out.

A sense of relief yet weary dread spread like split ink through all of The Figure's nerves. The feeling was like a thousand needles through her taller being some dull, but most are pinpricks of concern. All that came out was a short hitched breath.


she is relieved but still weary well guess she doesn't trust Fate as much as she's trying to believe she does, i'm loving how smooth the scene is right now.

“These changes… We will either prosper or be led into ruin. Might I ask which? “

In, a single moment the presence of something other than the figure itself seemed to evaporate like morning fog. Leaving behind the hint of a few words with it.

“I expected you to know by now change isn't simply good nor bad.”


Fate you mystery monster you couldn't even show yourself now your just going to disappear what are your plans.

Overall: I enjoyed reading this a lot the description was done so that it was very smooth and easy going, there where times where it was slightly confusing and hard to tell who was speaking and who was who but with a bit of slight improvements this would be a wonderful chapter.

anyway that's it from me

hope you have a great dawn/dusk/midnight

See Ya




Moonlily says...


Hello sorry for the late response but thank you for giving my prologue a read, I hope you enjoyed it! I also hope you stick around to read the rest as the story is getting started. you will get answers but some mysteries are of course in the other books (can't give them all away)



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Wed Apr 10, 2024 6:43 pm
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RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello, My Friend!

It's me Raven, and following through with my aforementioned interest, I'd like to review this Prologue using my Familiar method today! It’s pretty much the YWS’more method with the touch of a fantasy-horror writer. Let’s dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…

What The Black Eyes See...

This prologue is incredible! The conversation between the regal figure and Fate is so vivid and so detailed, I found myself truly drawn into the moment, eager to see the next response. The substance of the conversation is very ominous, and it feels like it's foreshadowing something big. Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

Not much to put here at all! Despite the note that it's a rough draft, this piece is very well-written all the way through! As a recommendation in good spirit, I thought I would highlight one thing that caught my eye. Using just this sentence as an example:

“You will not meet me physically, old friend? “The figure called,


I'm not sure if the spaces between the end of sentences and the end quotation mark are necessary, but that's not a huge issue at all.

And of course, I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt ~

Why The Grin Widened...

Ah, where to begin for highlights?

First of all, your descriptions are just incredible! So vivid and rich with detail, creating a pleasant and clear visual for the readers. Like, even saying something as simple as the figure having red hair, got amplified:

A few strands of hair fell loose and burned a blood red in the light.


"Burned" red in the light. Ah, so much more impact! And not only were the visuals great, but you had great sensory notes mixed in to make them pop, perfect additions of body language and inflections, and even the more mysterious feelings provided by the phantom-like entity:

Life seemed to spark in the air between the small silent gaps like short bursts of electricity ebbing from an endless wire.


The dialogue was also great, with some great and poetic lines in there. Especially from Fate, like this:

“If you're that worried, Your Highness, I can assure you I am just as real as the air in your lungs or the silk sheets you rest on. Just because you can't see me doesn't mean I’m not watching. “


And when they spoke of the journal, it felt important to the story, like we were given a hint of what will become an important goal or relic ahead. Fascinating to think about ~

Finally, the ending, which I thought was the perfect way to wrap up this sample of your world. Both these lines:

“These changes… We will either prosper or be led into ruin. Might I ask which? “


“I expected you to know by now change isn't simply good nor bad.”


Even the idea that there could be prosperity or ruin ahead builds anticipation, and the uncertainty added by that last line -that change isn't purely bad or good (how true that is!)- makes it even better.

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, this prologue was awesome! Nicely done! :D

Image




Moonlily says...


hello! sorry for the late response But thank you so much Eb like my other projects is one I am deeply passionate about. Seeing someone enjoy it and want to see more really warms my heart, I hope you stick around to see the story unfold :)




I see no reason to celebrate the random timing of natural events by eating poison and singing.
— Dilbert