Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
tw: mentions of hanging, depression and self-destructive behaviour.
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The Hanged Man.
( Reversed)
I am human and there are few things born into us, like sacrifice.
We grovel at it like an altar, some of it for the greater good, some for the status quo.
That's what we tell ourselves because we are human.
We lie at this altar and I am no different.
The versions you wanted, the changes I made and worshipped.
Needless trials do not make a martyr, but a girl ripping pieces of herself to be loved
Like it was a game, one doomed to fail
All this to be a patron saint with the taste of lilies on her lips.
Clinging to clarity like the scoundrels sent to the gallows I was meant to watch over.
All this given up to be kissed again as this rope tightens.
In search of paradise, I found you, and that was inferno.
I would shed myself again for a guide.
Life is one Divine comedy, for we are human
And there are few things born into me like sacrifice
- Lilian's journal section one B : readings and responses. Courtesy of Hell's royal archives.
* Every act starts with a tarot card themed poem, this one isstill a first draft.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hello there, one of King Koopa’s loyal henchmen, here!
I feel like this poem helps me learn a bit more about what was going on in the first chapter, lol. Looking up the meaning of the hanged man, it seems to suggest that someone is offering themselves up as a sacrificial lamb of sorts, but there will be no benefit for the greater good. I wonder if we are leaning more towards war…
Hello again! ~ Writing Commentary
The mention of inferno makes me feel like this fate figure from the last chapter may actually be some sort of hellish figure.
Not much comment here, I just really like this line. I wonder if it speaks more to the woman from last chapters feelings/character…
The Hanged Man ~ Closer
This only makes me more curious about where we are going from here…
Hello, Moonlily! So sorry about the delay, but I'll be working on reviews for the next few days, so hopefully I can get the rest of the chapters finished soon.
Now, into the actual reveiw.
I did not expect to see a poem as the next part of this novel, but I think it adds a nice variety! I'm very curious about the tarot card aspect of the poem. Do you draw a random one for each poem, or select it based on the upcoming act? And do tarot cards have significance in the story? I'm excited to find out!
Before we start, I'd also like to mention that poetry is highly subjective. Pretty much anything someone puts into a poem can work. I say this because A) if you don't like my suggestions, then don't worry about them, and B) I probably won't have a lot to say to begin with!
I'll start with a few interpretations because knowing how your audience interprets your poetry is one of the most useful things to know. I find it very interesting how you incorporated an extended metaphor into this piece. There are multiple words and comparisons to religion. (altar, worshipped, saint, inferno, divine, etc.) It keeps the imagery and reminds me of a haunted chapel.
What I thought the poem was pointing to was a girl giving herself up in the name of love. This girl found someone she loved, and possibly lost. She wanted so desperately to find this love again, to have it again, that she destroyed herself in the process. She sacrificed everything just to see that love again. She thought she had found paradise, but it cost her everything, leading her to a darker path than what she started on.
I could be totally off, but that's what I got from it. I'm curious to hear what the story behind this poem is, if you're willing to share!
Starting right off, you paint a beautiful picture with the first few lines. I really like the line "We grovel at it like an alter." It creates vivid imagery and gives it a harsh tone to match the mood. Your word choice here is excellent... Which is why I feel like the phrase "status quo" doesn't really fit with the rest of the line. It feels very out of place with the words "grovel" and "sacrifice," which are the main words that set the tone of the poem. Different word choice there will help with consistency.
Okay, I'm really in love with the parallelism of the first and last lines! I love repetition in poetry, so when the first and last lines match in a poem, it's just *chef's kiss.* And, if you really want them to match perfectly, keep the punctuation the same! There's a comma in the first line, but not the last, so they're read a bit differently. This is perfectly okay, but depending on how you want it to sound, you could keep it or change it.
Here, I love the word choice and the imagery you created. It fits well with the overall tone and mood of the poem. However, it was a little bit confusing to read. Since the sentences aren't separated by a period, they kind of flow together into one. In this case, it's a little confusing because of the structure of the lines. It seems to me like the first line was meant to be broken into two right at the comma.
Since those first two phrases are together, the reader automatically makes a connection between those two phrases. When those two are "paired," it's hard to make that connection again with another line. (Honestly, I could just be making stuff up at this point, but it's how I felt about this part.) Again, the imagery was beautiful, but I had to go back to read this line again because it broke the flow of the poem.
One last thing I'll say is to play with punctuation and stanzas. This poem doesn't have stanzas - which, again, is fine - but playing with the structure can enhance what you want your readers to focus on and connect. Same thing with punctuation. It helps me to read a poem out loud, and wherever the pauses or stops fall, I use either a comma or a period.
This poem has a lot to it, and it has some amazing imagery. I really love the mood you created with this poem, and I can't wait to read more!
Keep Writing! -Avian
Hey, thank you for the feedback I will keep that in mind. Tarot will play a larger part in the plot as we go on. Due to this, the cards are picked to fit with plot points and the character arc/ mental space in said act. It is easier for me to work in the cards meaning since upright and reversed can be wildly different. ( I have two decks myself.)
Hello fellow writer! Ley here to write a tortoise-y review on this amazing work you've published! This is a new review style that I'm using only for the month of June, in spirit of the Great Tortoise Race! Let's get started, 'shell' we? xD
Shell Start:
Ooh! Tarot themed poems at the beginning of every act! Amazing! I'm personally super into tarot, crystals, herbs, anything witchy-- so I have a feeling I'm going to like this novel even more. The poem gives you come insight of what's to come, or just gives some background to each part (or deeper meaning), so I really appreciate you adding this!
Favorite Leaf:
We have some themes of self-sacrifice and self-destruction here. This goes along well with the theme of the hanged man, being as what I know from practicing tarot myself: the card is a representation of sacrifice, letting go, and perspective. If I were to guess what happens next, based on this poem and from what I read last, maybe the queen will sacrifice her diary for eternal life? This may be a stretch, but I guess I'll see soon enough.
My favorite part about this poem is exactly what I said above, the fact that poems almost always have some type of deeper meaning. By adding this poem, you're giving the reader some insight on what they can expect while reading. Thank you for this, and it's truly genius!
Shell Fractures:
I don't like critiquing poetry on grammar and punctuation because I feel like the author always formats things a certain way. And my opinion is that I, as the reader, don't have any creative right to fix things like that, so I don't have much to say about this in terms of improvement and suggestions! As far as the content, I also couldn't immediately find something that could use suggestions, so we'll just stick with nothing here for now. Great job!
Tortoise Wisdom:
Time for my favorite part of reviewing, my favorite quote!
These starting few lines were of course my favorite. It goes along with the divination theme, expresses what the poem will mostly be about, and best of all: it's facts! Sacrifice is a part of being human, whether we like it or not; and it's best to learn to deal with it whether than fight it.
Overall:
Overall, I'm super excited to keep reading and find out what the queen decides to do about Fate's request! This poem is a very lovely introduction to the story.
Thank you for taking the time to read this review! I hope to see you join the race, and keep being awesome! Happy Writing~
Thank you! I am glad you love the use of tarot I felt it would tie the whole plot together!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the mutated S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - From what I read in the prologue and in this poem of Act One, it’s about a woman named Lilian in death, and the differences between Heaven + Hell.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - It’s alright for now, I’m just excited to read more of the story.
Chocolate Bar - I love that this was a page from Lilian’s journal, it shows that there is more to the story than chapters. I also love the tarot card reference, it fits well with the situation that’s going on.
Closing Graham Cracker - A peek at what is to come in the other chapters. Whatever lies in the beyond and waits, whether benevolent, malicious, or both, has many secrets to tell.
I wish you a fantastic day/night! ^v^
I checked the green room and wanted to read something different and this is totally 'different'.
Wow! This is an amazing poem; it gives the vibes of a theatrical drama playing on the stage.
"I am human and there are few things born into us, like sacrifice.
We grovel at it like an altar, some of it for the greater good, some for the status quo.
That's what we tell ourselves because we are human."
I totally loved this part, after reading the first two lines of the poem I liked it.
"The versions you wanted, the changes I made and worshipped.
Needless trials do not make a martyr, but a girl ripping pieces of herself to be loved.
Like it was a game, one doomed to fail."
The girl changed herself for others, but she is still not receiving the love for which she worshipped. Lovely lines!!!
You have a very awesome talent and I know that you will definitely excel in this field.
Keep it up.
Always remember: 'You don't know where your destiny lies.'
So, keep working hard day and night, I wish your destiny shines and maybe someday you might become a great poet.
Waiting for more.
Keep it up.
Thank you.
Thank you so much! I am glad you liked it I want to play with identity in this book series and it was fun writing this from the Mc's perspective. You were indeed right on the money with the meaning, which will become clearer in the first chapter to come. I do hope you stick around and possibly read the prologue and the coming chapters. Along with the act break poems throughout the book. This is a lot to read but thank you deeply for the kind words!
I am eagerly waiting for the upcoming part!!!