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12+ Violence

The Voidfish

by MomoMajesty


This story is based off of this song: https://youtu.be/7Xxkz4hKOMA. I hope you enjoy!

                       

                     

Reinvue shivered as Marco rowed the boat further into the Void Swamp. They weren't that far in yet and she was terrified. She looked at Marco, and he was scared too.

"How much further?" Vue asked. Her voice was quiet and fearful.

"A few more minutes, until we get to where Grandpa Bill's signal was." his voice was also scared. He returned Vue's worried gaze.

"Do-do you think-" Vue stammered, terrified, "The Voidfish killed him?"

"Shut up!" Marco stammered, terrified as well. "You know that saying that name wakes them up!"

"But I don't think they're real, Marco!" Vue said, with only a little bit of hesitation.

She immediately regretted those words.

The water next to the boat exploded. It didn't splash onto them, it just started disappearing, like there was a drain next to the boat, sucking up all the water.

Vue couldn't move. She was frozen with the most fear she had ever had. The hooting monkeys in the trees around them suddenly stopped their jeering. The water kept draining.

It started to move closer to the boat.

Vue screamed.

The boat disappeared into the gaping maw of the Voidfish.


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7 Reviews


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Reviews: 7

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Sat Apr 24, 2021 4:12 pm
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MC wrote a review...



I really like this story.
Its short and is fast paced. and an easy read.
I love how the characters are portrayed. one who was scare about their fate, and another who was equally terrified but denying an its existence.
The characters radiated fear and uncertainty of their fates.
And the void fish is shrouded in mystery and sound terrifying and something I never want to see or hear at all.
Overall I enjoyed this short story and I hope to see more from you! Have a wonderful day




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Mon Apr 19, 2021 1:33 pm
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This definitely seems like a fun little short to read. The story definitely gets you the impression of a pretty sizeable world despite being so short and the end is pretty satisfying too.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Reinvue shivered as Marco rowed the boat further into the Void Swamp. They weren't that far in yet and she was terrified. She looked at Marco, and he was scared too.

"How much further?" Vue asked. Her voice was quiet and fearful.


Oooh that's a nice little entrance...definitely gets your attention with that little bit of mystery. A pretty neat start here to the story.

"A few more minutes, until we get to where Grandpa Bill's signal was." his voice was also scared. He returned Vue's worried gaze.

"Do-do you think-" Vue stammered, terrified, "The Voidfish killed him?"

"Shut up!" Marco stammered, terrified as well. "You know that saying that name wakes them up!"


Okay...that's definitely peaking my interest, this fish definitely seems like something that you don't want to tangle with and I am loving the reactions here by our two characters here.

"But I don't think they're real, Marco!" Vue said, with only a little bit of hesitation.

She immediately regretted those words.

The water next to the boat exploded. It didn't splash onto them, it just started disappearing, like there was a drain next to the boat, sucking up all the water.


Oooh...instant moments of regret, always funny to read about and scary to imagine. At any rate I love this introduction to our monstrous fish here.

Vue couldn't move. She was frozen with the most fear she had ever had. The hooting monkeys in the trees around them suddenly stopped their jeering. The water kept draining.

It started to move closer to the boat.


Well this is clearly not heading towards a happy ending.

Vue screamed.

The boat disappeared into the gaping maw of the Voidfish.


Aaand boom...short and sweet ending...I think that's a pretty effective ending.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was just really fun to read. Its got a touch of humor, its got some interesting action and mystery, a lovely bite sized little story and that's all I've really gotta say here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




MomoMajesty says...


Thanks!!



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Points: 133
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Mon Apr 19, 2021 7:38 am
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KWN wrote a review...



Well hello there! This is KWN for a review.

okay firstly I just want to say it's a very impressive piece of work and I really like it. It's nice how short it is but it feels like there is so much backstory that the reader gets to think about.

Another thing I think you did well was with showing emotions. I felt like I knew exactly what they were feeling. I also love how you added the suspense at the end but also through out the story. The way you expressed their fear makes the reader know that something went wrong.

So in conclusion it was very good and I hope you keep on writing

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee -KWN




MomoMajesty says...


Thanks!



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Sun Apr 18, 2021 7:20 pm
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nightshadows wrote a review...



Hi! This is nightshadows bring a new comment live to a theater near you! Ok, so enough of my uniqueness here are my thoughts:


WOW!!! Ok so you have left me on such a cliffhanger I might just disappear into the voidfish myself. I love the creativity and how you entranced me into this world you created with so many elements! One thing I love are the characters and how you paint their thoughts so clearly through the story! Also just a little tip but you don't have to take it, try and illustrate the scene a bit better so you can put the reader into insanity like,

"Reinvue shivered as Marco rowed the boat further into the Void Swamp. The trees hanged like dead grass and dripped odd liquid from the tips. The water, thick with moss and dead bugs dispersed an odorous stench into the air.The fog was like clouds had descended and Marco and Vue couldn't see even four feet in front of themselves"
Great job!!




MomoMajesty says...


Thanks!!



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Sun Apr 18, 2021 4:10 pm
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illy7896 wrote a review...



Wowee, I haven't done a review in ages but I must!

Firstly, only in these short sentences, I already have a feel of the story and a foundation of a deeper legend. This was a splendid insight into a fictional myth and the reader is forced to share a common fear for the Voidfish, despite little information being given away.

"A few more minutes, until we get to where Grandpa Bill's signal was." his voice was also scared. He returned Vue's worried gaze.


I thought that this sentence was really effective, allowing the audience to begin to unravel the story and the characters' ambitions.

However, in my opinion, I felt as if the word 'the' and 'boat' was frequent towards the end. Perhaps replacing boat with vessel and adding imagery could create a more of a dramatic and urgent influence.

It didn't splash onto them, it just started disappearing, like there was a drain next to the boat, sucking up all the water.


Perhaps you could rearrange this sentence to make it flow easier and with more emphasis. Additionally, the previous sentence stated that the water exploded, whereas in this sentence the water actually started disappearing. Perhaps, you could add a very observant tone to explain this:

Well, there were no great splashes or fireworks of salty seawater, it just started to disappear, drained away from the vessel that sat idly next to the deflating pool of liquid.


This is completely up to you of course :)

The hooting monkeys in the trees around them suddenly stopped their jeering. The water kept draining.


I loved the effect that this has and the way that you have used full stops to highlight the change and events of the story.

Awesome work on this, I enjoyed reading this story and will be sure to watch the video. This has got me intrigued!




MomoMajesty says...


Thanks fr the review!!




He began to wonder why he had felt uneasy at all. It was like a man wondering in broad daylight why a dream had appeared so terrible to him at night.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart