I ran around the yard, laughing as Eddie tried to catch me. "You’re so slow!" I yelled.
"I am not! You are!" Eddie called back.
"What? You haven’t caught me once!" I came to a stop as Mother turned from talking to the neighbors to glare at me.
"Bernice, can’t you see that I’m having a conversation? How many times do I have to tell you to be quiet?"
I hung my head sorrowfully. "Yes, Mother. I’m sorry."
Eddie caught up to me and tapped my shoulder. "Got you!" He saw Mother glaring at him too. "Um. Hi Mom!"
Mother sighed. Then she smiled. "Why don’t you two go inside to my room? I’ll be in soon, and I’ll have a surprise for you, too!"
I gasped with delight. "OK! Come on, Eddie, I’ll race you!"
Eddie laughed. "This will be easy!"
I sprinted up the front steps, Eddie behind me. Mildred was sitting at the dining room table doing schoolwork. She looked up and grinned.
"What is it, the Olympics? Why are you two running?"
"Mother promised Eddie and I a surprise if we went to her room!" I panted.
Mildred smirked. "Well, get on up to her room!"
Eddie cut in front of me and raced up the stairs. I shook my head and ran faster. Eddie got there first and collapsed on Mother and Father’s bed. I flopped on top of him and he groaned. I wiggled around on top of him, making him groan more.
Eventually Mother came in and I hopped off Eddie. She shook her head and smiled at me.
"Alright, settle down. Stand up, you two." she said with a twinkle in her eye.
We obliged and looked her excitedly in the eye. "What's the surprise, Mother?" I asked her.
She grinned. "Turn around and look out the window."
We did.
I got spanked first.
Eddie squeaked and tried to hide under the bed, but Mother caught the back of his shirt and gave him the surprise too.
We learned our lesson that day, because playing inside while Mother is having a conversation is better than a 'surprise'!
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Heya! MercedesBlue here to read and review!
First of all I think this is a nice small story that has such fun characters! I like how you write about younger characters because (in my opinion) I think younger kids are much easier to write about rather than someone who is older.
Second, I like how this is written in first person. Depending on your age, maybe you've read my story Hybrids where it's in third person. I used to write in first person and to be honest there are times where I miss writing in that perspective because it's SO FUN.
Third, I like how there's like a "lesson" to the story. While it does maybe seem a little extreme (however each parent punishes differently so...) I think it is a good way to remind people that a warning from a parent only goes for some many times before it expires.
I have a feeling maybe Mildred knew exactly what was going on. By reading that she was doing schoolwork it gave the idea to my mind that she wanted to go outside and play but her mom wouldn't let her do that because her school wasn't done so she felt it was unfair her siblings could go out but she couldn't so maybe she thought they deserved the spanking??
I could be completely wrong of course but thank you for sharing your work for me and others to read!!
-MercedesBlue ;D
thanks for the review!
Hello this is the ONE AND ONLY FOXMASTER YOU WILL EVER FIND!!!
I loved this piece! I assume that this happened to the point of view from your grandmother, and I loved this! It was sounds like something that would have happened to my mother, she talks about that kind of stuff a lot, like how "Santa" got her a stick for Christmas, because she'd been bad. Anyway...
I got confused about some things that did not make sense, but I suppose you cannot change all that, considering that it's a true story. For example: "What, is this the Olympics? Why are you two running?" That doesn't make sense, because kids are kids and like being energetic and running around and making up random role playing games involving unicorns and giant French fries...… I know from experience.
The "Surprise" was so funny! I liked the part where the kids were all so excited about the surprise, they probably thought they were getting a new toy, or some chocolate or something! Instead, they got spanked. I feel like their mother is kind of overreacting, though, because they just interrupted her conversation and then they got in some big trouble. But I suppose that's how people were back then. :p.
That's all! I really enjoyed this and I would look forward to hearing more stories about your Grandmother's childhood.
-foxmaster!!! (the one you would only find!)
thanks for the review!
Yup
Hey Momo!
This was such a sweet and heartwarming piece. It took me back to my own childhood and I could especially relate because my brother and I are almost the same age while our sister is a couple of years older than us. The dynamics here between the siblings were pretty clear and it really made me smile. To be honest, I was not as hung up on the surprise as I was on seeing more of the siblings together.
You have showed a really tight bond here and reminded us once again of what it felt like to be 7 year olds running around the house all the time and causing mischief. I love the playfulness in their relationship, they are up for anything if they think that is going to annoy the other one. The parts were they keep racing or wiggling were especially funny because I could see them do that in my mind. You have painted a really wholesome picture here, enough to take anyone on a trip down memory lane.
As for the surprise itself, it certainly was a very exciting one! I do feel a a little sorry for the kids, especially with how excited they were for the surprise, but I guess it is a lesson learned! At least, they won't annoy their mother when she is having a conversation any more!
While I loved the simple dialogue, and the direct narration which reflects the child's constant excitement and short attention span, I do wish the story had been a little longer. You could come up with another 'surprise' for them!
That's all for this one!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Thanks for the review!
Hello @LordMomo! Hannah here for quick review.
What I like
This was sort of like a fable, but real! I loved this. Great job! I loved the theme too. "Actions have consequences". Also, I loved the trick that Mother played on Eddie and Bernice. That was just so clever!
What I dislike:
I loved this, but it was a little short. Here are some words that you could have used instead and other grammatical mistakes:
"I hung my head sorrowfully. "Yes, Mother. I’m sorry."
It sounds kind of weird when you put "sorry" and "sorrowfully" so close together. Instead of sorry, maybe say "forgive me", or instead of "sorrowfully" you could say "I hung my head, ashamed".
And I agree with @Rosewood on this one,
"We learned our lesson that day, and we learned to play inside when Mother had a conversation with the neighbors!"
I think that you should split those two sentences in half. Also, instead of saying "...play inside when Mother had a conversation with the neighbors!" you could say this: " We learned our lesson that day. It was best to play inside when Mother was having a conversation with the neighbors."
Well, other than those nit-picky mistakes, great job! I hope that you had a merry Christmas, a happy New Year, that you keep writing and have a great day!
Hannah
I earned a hundred points for that one!
Thank you!
This reminds me about my brother when we play together this is amazing I like it so much but need more editing
Ok thanks! Maybe you could point out your edits in a review?
You'll get more points that way
Well this certainly reminds me of my brother and I, save for a few small details. I agree with Vil that this was a little too short, but you could easily fix that with a detail or two, (my special word for adjectives and character personality). Other than that, I have a few small suggestions, or nit-picks if you prefer.
This might just be me, but placing 'sorrowfully' and 'sorry' so close to each other gave the impression of redundancy. Might I recommend 'guiltily' or 'regretfully' in place of 'sorrowfully'?
I'm assuming that Mildred is their sibling, but at first glance I wasn't sure what her connection was with Eddie and Bernice.
There was a redundancy here too, I believe. Usually the conclusion should be simple and easy to understand, and while I understand plenty, the wording felt a little clunky. I suggest changing it to something like "We learned our lesson that day, because playing inside while Mother is having a conversation is better than a 'surprise'!" or something along those lines.
Other than those concerns, I really enjoyed this simple story! Your verbs were colorful and varied, the story had a nice plot, and the characters, (coming from a girl with a brother), were believable.
thanks for the review!
Hello there, @LordMomo! Here is my 131 review-- congrats, I gave tied Bilbo Baggins' age by reviewing your short story!
What I Like
I think that this is an adorable short story that you've written! It displays very well how naive children are/can be.
What I Dislike
I think it is a bit too short. Here is how a short story is defined online:
I think that if you elaborate, add detail, and establish more of a setting, it would be more precise, thus meeting the standards of the aforementioned definition.
Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!
thanks for the review!