Young Writers Society

Hello,

This is my first review in forever. I hope you'll enjoy it. I will go in with different colors and mark suggestions and advice as I go on through the reading. It should be understandable, but if not please do ask me about anything confusing.

(A Fan-Fiction)I believe that this could be said better; A change in the formatting can help. It's quite weirdly laid out, and I will get into that as I see more to do with formatting later on too.

The scene outside was dark, the light that loomed over the depths of the Glidden forest came from the thin silver moon up in the cloudless night sky. I made sure JaneSo, tell us more about this character. Not everyone knows the fandom, and I know I don't. had fallen asleep, Jane always took it to herself that she had to watch the younger ones until they fell asleep. Only I could fake it and watch her fall asleep after she watched us turn into sleeping corpses.

I made my way outside. The chairs were barely visible from the moon light. I watch the stars slowly move around earth's surface for what seemed like forever. And it must have been, the sun began to barely peek up through the horizon, causing the sky to turn a dark purple color.

A short shadow stalked by the edge of the forest, I could see a screen shine onto a chocolateyThe word 'chocolately' marks as a misspelling on my computer, so that could be considered an error. brown face. She had cute features, lips tinted with a dark neutral red, her eyes were invisible from view as well as the rest of her features. Surely the rest was as beautiful as everything else. She wore a dark hoodie which made her almost blend in with her surroundings, And camouflage pants. Her hair was curly and long. It covered most of her face as she looked at the phone. I could barely see the earbuds that were connected to the phone as well as in her ears.

“Hey!” I shout towards the unknown girl while I make my way down the porch steps, Hopefully I didn’t scare Jane awake. My voice has been known to scare people. The girl clicked off her phone and looked up into the sky. She must not have heard me, which was pissing me off. “Little girl!” I shout at her hoping she could hear me better now. As I moved closer and closer to her, her features became more and more familiar. She continued to watch the sky. Was she purposefully not listening to me? I reach for her arm and she automatically smacks my hand away. Her eyes were wide. She quickly checked her surroundings and snatched her earbuds off. This is a very large paragraph, so it could be broken up. Larger paragraphs are normally avoided by readers as they are harder to scan through.

“You’re Toby and Sally’s son” She says looking shocked. I immediately recognize her,

“And you’re Zalgo’s daughter.. You shouldn’t be here.” Normally my family would have pure hate seeping through every pore. I would have also, but something like fear was plastered onto her face, I almost felt bad. Almost.

“Yeah. I shouldn’t be here.” She pauses and raises an eyebrow, “You have your dad’s glasses.. Let me guess you have your mother's teddy bear too?” She giggles. That's where that line ends.

“Leave” I growl, she didn’t even pounce out of her boots. She shrugged and then walked away putting her earbuds back in. The sun was almost into view. The sky was a purply pink. The air was warm.How can the world possibly just continue it’s course while I stand in shock and frustration? Oh right, because the world doesn’t revolve around me. Duh!

...

Annora’s perspective: Here's another example of format. It doesn't look very intersting, and POV changes can be done in a more organized way. Some people might not even do changes as they are hard to make clean and neat.

The look from his face still haunted me as the sun rose higher and higher into the sky as hours began to pass while I watched the trees sway in the breeze. I’ve been sitting on a cut down tree stump for about five hours now. I know that’s weird, but it’s pretty impressive for a thirteen year old girl.

And soon my sense’sGrammar error began to twitch. A human was close by. But what was a human doing so deep in the forest? Curiosity led me deep into the forest in the middle of daylight.A semicolon could be used here instead of a period. Curiosity and hunger.

A man looked around, he looked frightened and lost. The perfect catch. I hid behind a tall and wide tree and watched him make circles around this vast forest. It was funny to see him come back to the exact same spot, look for any signals, and keep on trekking.

As I watched I noticed he had a bit of a sprained ankle and his hand was bandaged with blood soaking the wrappings. A weak target was easiest to distract, persuade, and attack. The man was in his late twenties no doubt. Also easy to persuade, because twenty year old men are horny and slobs at everything they do.A reason could be given here instead of leaving it. Theoretically.. of course.

He actually was quite sexy looking.Oh, that was very unexpected. His curly brown hair continuously fell into his face every time he looked at his phone. He had a perfect jaw line and he wasn’t too skinny. Nor fat. He actually wasn’t fat at all. You could say he looked like a less intimidating bodybuilder who goes to the gym to mess with people’s minds. Make people feel small and like they can’t do anything in life. Or they make people think that soon they will look like him. But they never do.

He looked more like the guy who works out in his garage and tries to hide his muscular biceps. But every girl at school had swooned over him.

Maybe I could have a little fun, before I destroy him.

“Hey sweetheart..” I come from around the tree not sounding too young but trying not to sound like a fucking mother. He turns abruptly towards me immediately pulling out a pocket knife. Great, he has a damn weapon. “Woah! Chill! Just tryna make sure you knew I was here.” I put on a fake shocked/Flirty look on my face. “Put down the knife.. No crazy animals attack people in broad daylight.” Which was a definite lie. But if he was smart he’d have started running right now. Any person would run away, at a small creepy girl that randomly popped up in the forest. He slowly drops the knife. He looked calm and collected. It'd be funny to know what he was thinking. Probably something on the lines of ‘Maybe she can help me get out of this wretched green flawless forest.

“So.. who are you?” His light husk voice logs itself into my head.

And now my brain was gonna torture me with his, as well as many, many other voices from whom I’ve killed. My brain would replay the voices in my head 24/7 like it was treating them like a song. Or maybe I was actually wanting to listen to each and everyone of them. Just to remember how many times I've sinned. And how much I’d die if I ever decided to quit sinning. Which was unbelievably impossible.

“You can call me Annora..” Who would it possibly affect? It's not like he’d be alive in the next twenty minutes.

“I’m James.. Nice to meet you Annora.” He holds out a hand. I shake it. I’m becoming closer and closer to this man by the second. We’re already on a first name basis. I giggle out loud. I immediately stop and go back to being mature-enough-to-pass-for-older-than-sixteen, mode. He smiles awkwardly at me, then looks around. “Are you lost too Ms. Annora?” He asks politely while I watch him slowly watch the leaves sway with the breeze.

“Nope. I don’t live very far from here.. I just decided to take a small walk in this forest. He looks at me with his eyes full of hope.

“Then maybe you can help me get out of here, I’ve been in this vast area for way longer than I had originally anticipated.” He chuckles and brings himself closer to me. James steps on the knife unconsciously making it bury itself into the dirt. The only part that showed was the blade. It glimmered as if it were the most sane thing here. And so far it probably was.

“Oh my.. What on earth happened to your hand James?” I pull at his hand, trying to dodge the question.

“I fell down somewhere around there and punctured my hand with a stick.” He pauses and laughs a bit. “I know that sounds pretty odd considering..” He stops in his sentence and begins to show himself off. Maybe he is one of those body builders that fuck with everyone's mind.

“No it’s not stupid. Anyone could fall or die out here.” I smirk and begin to unwrap the bandage. I was kinda surprised by how comfortable he looked while I was touching him. The blood hadn't stopped. It kept on flowing. It made me believe he may be a bit more delusional because of the blood loss. I’m not sure if that makes it easier for me, or harder.

Lucius’s perspective:

I didn’t realize I’d be seeing Zalgo’s about 100th offspring twice today. Her curly hair swayed differently. She was up to something. And it’s pissing me off because I wanted to get him. She stole my target.

Her eyes glowed at the sight of the man's blood, and it was quite frightening and disturbing to watch her lust over blood. I could feel hate boiling over my mother's face. She held on tight to her teddy bear, it may be the only thing holding her back from destroying that girl.

“Lucius I swear to god if you don’t tell that girl to back off I’m gonna wreck hell on her!” Mom whispers in my ear. I could feel her breath hissing between her teeth. But I couldn’t do anything about it. I was intrigued about what may happen next.

The girl begins to speak,

“James, I was wondering if you’d be so kind to help me with something..” She asks the man politely using a puppy face look. James nodded and The girl began to pull off her shirt. At this point my mother's mouth was completely dropped. She turns around and walks away. Weird, I would have thought she would attack the girl. Jame’s face falls instantly to her small perky tits. His cheeks redden. Ugh, a horny target. She’s good at finding the perfect catches. For completely different sons than mine. Unless she saw the sprained ankle as well. This timing was very quick and it can be drawn out to help with detail and length of work.

Hello, Stormblessed here!
This was an interesting start. Unfortunately you didn't give any detail as to what's going on. Are they vampires or some other being? Where are they? Why are all these people here? I get that some writer like to leave their first chapter vague, but if you plan to continue it, you'll need to put in more detail.

On to the nitpicking.

And it must have been, the sun began to barely peek up through the horizon. Causing the sky to turn a dark purple color

Hey!” I scream towards the unknown girl

Normally my family would have hate seeping through their faces, and I would have also

“Put down the knife.. No crazy animals attack people in broad daylight

Weird I would have thought she would attack the girl.

Ugh a horny target.