Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Art » Other

E - Everyone Language

Hexagon

by MissVelociraptor


      The terrible sound of death still rang in my ears from the night before.In the dark alleyway, the hate and urge to kill everything in its path still stung to watch even in my dreams.. Or nightmares. Maybe my mind wouldn’t have the slightest idea that I wanted to replay those memories while I sleep, if only I had just stayed home. If only I declined his offer; ‘It’ll be a treat!’. How long do I have to be haunted by this? But I saw it all crash into pieces with my eyes in the dark alleyway only a small bit of light flickered from nearby light posts. His pale complexions were petrified with fear and soon death.

  But I wouldn’t have the urge or even have the slightest idea of asking someone for help. They mustn’t learn about who that boy was. They mustn’t learn about what happened last night.

     Playing in the front of my mind,was the shrieking of my alarm clock, that woke me from my unpleasant tape of memories. My breathing shook while I stared at my wall in front of me. It's as if my brain was using my memories like I were in a movie. And not every stable movie has a good or happy ending. In this case my mind may or may not know the ending. But sure as hell isn’t going to spoil it for me. I’m not sure if I want to know the ending anyway.

       Maybe if I was older I would have stayed with him instead of running away like a coward. A terrible picture on my part. Honestly I wish I could numb all the damn pain of memories and visions flowing through my brain.

   My brother sneaks into my room and clicks off the alarm clock, the shrieking stops. My brother’s fist makes a swift attack in my lower abdominal area. I barely flinch. Anger burned in my face.. I quickly covered my entire body with my blanket and ball myself up. Helping to resist the urge to break his damn nose, Winter begins laughing. Fucking asshole.. I love him dearly. But one day I swear I’m gonna do something I’ll probably regret.

     “Don’t get mad, I was just playin’ around, Mr. Grumpy face!” He says and gently pulls the covers away from my face. I hoped my scowl would make sure he’d back off. Wrong! Winter looked like he was ready to go to work.. Maybe he just wanted to dress nice during a snow day? Winter looked fairly manly. Manly enough to pass for a police officer, and not some kid who’d dress up as a cop. (We all know deep down that side of him is still in there) Winter has soft black hair. It’s shorter than it used to be but still very handsome looking. His brown eyes seem to compliment his hair. Everything about this character is the hair. Winter’s confidence was built on style. If things didn’t look right when he was a child he’d begin to cry and throw a tantrum. Some days he wouldn’t even go to school if he had a terrible looking hair cut. But not just the hair, it was his ENTIRE outfits. It had to be crisp and nice looking.. Well most of the time (If he wasn’t feeling depressed) And no matter what if his hair is having a bad hair day he is most definitely having a bad day. His eyes show it most of the time.

      I get dressed into my day clothes. Jeans and a pale white shirt. My brown curls were all over the place. After a while I get it into a decent place and head down stairs. As I walk down the stairs I finally look out a window. The evergreens outside were covered in snow. It looked like a mountainy wonderland. Green, White and a few occasional glimpses of Hay scattered from the wind.

     “Morning sleepy head!” A pink blur jumps onto my shoulders, causing me to wobble. Faith. Faith my little sister. Eight years of age, and thinks she’s a Supermodel. Her pink dress was fluffy and seemed to actually match what most would think her style should be. No not the queen of pink. Casual, but still a bit bubbly. Flowers lined the bottom of her pink dress. A grey belt strapped across her torso. She was a glittering fairy in the white snow.

     “Morning Faith.” I grunt while I set her back down onto the ground.

       I make my way towards the kitchen. Moms' apron lay untouched on the chair she normally sits in. Almost all the time my mom would set her apron on her chair after she makes a meal and then heads off to work. But this time Dad was standing by the stove.

     “I know.. dad’s cooking.. Ew” Winter says while he texts someone on his phone. Ew is far from correct. It’s more like Revolting. It should be illegal to put his food onto a plate. And that's where cereal comes in.

     “Oh please.. Faith likes my cooking.” Dad says and turns to face us. Faith, who had been hanging on my shirt, makes a gagging motion with her entire body. She did say she wanted to be an actress. Dad's face falls and he rolls his eyes and turns off the stove. “Well your mother went to work today-” Winter cuts him off.

     “I thought it was a Government holiday!” Winter exclaims, putting his phone down.

     “It is.. But something happened and they called your mother in.” He says. “I don’t know why so I wouldn’t bother asking me.”

     “So does that mean Mom will be taking her night shift today?” I ask. Winter and Dad look at me. And at the same time their faces fall.

     “Oh no! I totally forgot she was gonna start night shifts!” They both say startling Faith. I stay still and shake my head, Idiots.

     “Her car might get stuck… if she’s there for so long her car would basically be buried under the snow.” Dad says. Which honestly kind of sucks, Mom's job/bosses should really get someone to help deal with that problem.

     “Wait I thought the snow was gonna stop soon?” Winter questions.

     “Nope it's supposed to be like this and worse for another couple of days.” Faith drags me towards her chair and she sits down not letting go of me and her attention on Winter and Dad's conversation.

       The snow fell slowly, The sun was hiding in the fluffy clouds, But rays of sunlight were visible, shining on the tree covered slightly by snow falling from the sky, or the snow that had fallen and is now settled on the ground or in the tops of trees.

     “Could you serve me some cereal?” Faith asks with a full on puppy face pout.

     “What do we say..?”

     “Could you please serve me some cereal?” She corrects herself and I begin to make her a bowl.

      She eats slowly while she listens to the conversation, that at this point has changed to politics. I sit and make myself a bowl while I watch the conversation slowly move to different areas.

 …

        Mom gets home at 4:56 am, I was awake because of the haunting nightmares that wouldn’t go away. (Don’t question my idiotic habits)

     “Oh morning baby, Why are you awake at this time?” Mom asks when she sees me sitting at the table staring at an unopened box of Goldfish sitting in front of me. Her smooth and light voice shakes me from my prison, I turn and look at her, my eyes feeling heavy with sleep. My mom's perfect brown hair was tied into an almost professional looking bun. I could tell it had fallen apart during the ride back home. She was holding her moist coat on her arm and her other arm seemed to be heavier than normal. I looked at her right arm and a small girl was holding on. She looked really tired, Every time her head dropped she shook herself awake.

    “Nightmares.” I say still looking at the small girl, “Who’s this?” I point at the girl and look at mom.

     “No pointing, it’s rude.. This girl is unknown to me.” She says as she sets the girl onto the couch with a blanket. “A random lady came into the office today and just left her after the lady shoves the girl in front of everyone. A couple of my Co-Workers called the cops but the identity of the woman was unknown. It's like the lady was just an illusion. As well as this girl.” Mom explains and pauses for a breath of air. “And so I ended up being a big softy as I always am, and I agreed I’d take her home until we figure things out.” She says and then kisses my forehead.

       I stare at mom and try to comprehend what she just said to me at 4 in the morning. It didn’t make any sense that; A random lady and girl walk into the office, The woman pushes the girl (Probably, hard), and then just leaves without the girl. Something felt staged and sort of unreal, But maybe it just sounded weird because It was 4 in the morning. Maybe.

       Finally everyone was awake. Well everyone except the girl sleeping on the couch. Winter looked at her like she was a newborn baby. He looked like some Jock in high school who’d just seen the fattest ass on earth, and was digging it!

And Faith just sat next to her rubbing her back as if to comfort her. I bet she was thinking of a random scene in a play, Like a mother and daughter scene. Dad doesn’t know what to think of the girl sleeping on the couch which is pretty much my entire mind set right now. Mom had said we all have to be quiet because we don’t want to wake the little girl from her slumber. I’d rather be in school than here waiting for the girl to open her eyes. Which was gonna knock on my brain for the rest of the damn day.

*Edit #3* :)


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
126 Reviews


Points: 6853
Reviews: 126

Donate
Thu Jul 09, 2020 7:51 pm
View Likes
Hkumar wrote a review...



Hi there!
I am here fro a quick review for your first work. Okay so the beginning was set to give some spooky feeling and I wasn't quite sure where the story will be leading. Though I liked the ambiance that you created.

The scene was in a dark alleyway, The hate and urge to kill everything in its path still stung to watch even in my dreams

There will be a period after alleyway and not comma.
But I saw it all crash into pieces with my eyes in the dark alleyway only a small bit of light flickered from nearby light posts,

Again here there will be a period at the end.

It's as if my brain were was using my memories like I were in a movie. And not every stable movie has a good or happy ending.


My brother’s fist makes a swift attack in my low lower abdominal area.


Well most of the time (If he wasn’t feeling depressed) And no matter what if his hair is having a bad hair day he is most definitely having a bad day.

Okay so this sentence really felt odd to me. Instead of writing his hair is having a bad hair day.... Just write it as he is having a bad hair day, it's understood. And I don't know what exactly you meant here, it was a bit choppy the way you wrote.

So I liked how you tried to describe the siblings and tried to fill in with some information about their character. The flow was much better in the section when the morning breakfast time came. Your story picked up my interest from there.
The part where Mom entered with that girl made me really suspect her. Though at first I was of the opinion that our MC might be just dreaming in his sleep and this is all going to turn into a nightmare. But I guess not much happened later on. Still the presence of the girl was a bit odd. I mean the way the boy was speculating her made things look strange and filled with suspense. Though I wished you could have added something at the end that would have pointed towards something more supernatural. But that's just my opinion. Whatever I pointed out it's your choice to see what's right for you.

Overall I enjoyed the story and I see a lot of potential in your writings. All the best for your future works.

Keep writing :)






Thank you!



User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 1269
Reviews: 16

Donate
Thu Jul 09, 2020 6:26 pm
View Likes
quitecontrary wrote a review...



Hello MissVelociraptor!
I'm here for a quick review, so don't blink or you might miss it!

1. Your description of the nightmare is a little too forceful. Don't say "The scene was...", delete that and leave the rest. You have the gist of writing nightmares: don't explain it too much, leave out parts, write sights and smells and not stories. The execution needs a little practice though: is the main character waking up from the nightmare, drenched in sweat? Are the visions still running through their head? Are the what-ifs causing anxiety and guilt? You almost got it, just try smoothing it out a little.

2. Using parentheses to give a clear idea of the main character's thoughts is amateur. It's not bad, it's just not amazing. Instead, you could just add the thought on to the end of the sentence, or write the image so that the reader knows how the main character feels without saying it directly. For instance:
"Winter gazed at her adoringly, twisting his mouth in a stupid half-grin that ruined his handsome features. And Faith sat next to her, rubbing her back consolingly, I suppose. It rather looked like she was playing with one of her dolls, something that never ended well. For the doll."

Overall, I loved the idea, and I can't wait to see where the story goes next!






Thank you sooo much! You are an amazing writer!!
"Winter gazed at her adoringly, twisting his mouth in a stupid half-grin that ruined his handsome features. And Faith sat next to her, rubbing her back consolingly, I suppose. It rather looked like she was playing with one of her dolls, something that never ended well. For the doll." Like oh my god! Thank you for the feedback and I shall do my best and fix up those areas! Thanks again!!



User avatar
506 Reviews


Points: 50400
Reviews: 506

Donate
Thu Jul 09, 2020 10:41 am
View Likes
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi!! Here to leave you a review!!

First Impression: Well pretty interesting story there. Some interesting ideas for sure. Maybe a little bit rushed but overall pretty good.

Anyway let's get to it,

The terrible sound of death still rang in my ears from the night before. The scene was in a dark alleyway, The hate and urge to kill everything in its path still stung to watch even in my dreams.. Or nightmares. His pale complexions were petrified with fear and soon death. But I wouldn’t have the urge or even have the slightest idea of asking someone for help. They mustn’t learn about who that boy was. They mustn’t learn about what happened last night.


Well that's a very interesting start. Quite the nightmare or is this real? Great opening anyway. Draws the readers in pretty well.

Playing in the front of my mind, was the shrieking of my alarm clock, that woke me from my unpleasant tape of memories. It's as if my brain were using my memories like I were in a movie. And not every stable movie has a good or happy ending. In this case my mind may or may not know the ending. But sure as hell isn’t going to spoil it for me. I’m not sure if I want to know the ending anyway.


There should be a comma there/

The shrieking stops. My brother’s fist makes a swift attack in my low abdominal area. I barely flinch. Anger burned in my face.. I quickly covered my entire body with my blanket and ball myself up. Helping resist the urge to break his damn nose, Winter begins laughing. Fucking asshole.. I love him dearly. But one day I swear I’m gonna do something I’ll probably regret.


Pretty typical sibling morning routine there. Only thing is the brother comes totally out of nowhere. It just happens too suddenly. I think he should be mentioned before you go for the getting punched in the abdomen parts or it breaks the immersion in the story as you try and figure out where the brother came from.

I get dressed into my day clothes. Jeans and a pale white shirt. My brown curls were all over the place. After a while I get it into a decent place and head down stairs. As I walk down the stairs I finally look out a window. The evergreens outside were covered in snow. It looked like a mountainy wonderland. Green, White and a few occasional glimpses of Hay scattered from the wind.


That's a really good description there.

I make my way towards the kitchen. Moms' apron lay untouched on the chair she normally sits in. And this time Dad was standing by the stove.


So is this apron left there all the time? Or did someone just randomly take the apron out and place it on the mother's chair.

“Her car might get stuck… if she’s there for so long her car would basically be buried under the snow.” Dad says.


So whatever place she works in doesn't have someone to take care of that?

“Nope it's supposed to be like this and worse for another couple of days.” Faith drags me towards her chair and she sits down not letting go of me and her attention on Winter and Dad's conversation. The snow fell slowly, It was more patient than anyone here. The sun was hiding in the fluffy clouds, But rays of sunlight were visible, shining on the tree covered slightly by snow falling from the sky, or the snow that had fallen and is now settled on the ground or in the tops of trees.


This whole piece doesn't quite fit with the rest of the paragraph. Two different ideas there. It should be split into two separate paragraphs.

“Can you pour me some cereal?” Faith asks with a full on puppy face pout.


I'm not sure if pour is the right word there. Pour is used for liquids. Go for like serve or something like it.

She eats slowly while she listens to the conversation, that at this point has changed to politics. I sit and pour myself a bowl while I watch the snowflakes fall to the ground. Gusts of wind shake up the flow of the snow and cause it to fall down in a different way each time a gust of wind blows over.


There it's a bit too much talk of snowflakes. It gets repetitive.

"No pointing, it’s rude.. This girl is unknown to me.” She says as she sets the girl onto the couch with a blanket. “A random lady came into the office today and just left her after the lady shoves the girl in front of everyone. A couple of my Co-Workers called the cops but the identity of the woman was unknown. It's like the lady was just an illusion. As well as this girl.” Mom explains and pauses for a breath of air. “And so I ended up being a big softy as I always am, and I agreed I’d take her home until we figure things out.” She says and then kisses my forehead. I stare at mom and try to comprehend what she just said to me at 4 in the morning. It didn’t make any sense that; A random lady and girl walk into the office, The woman pushes the girl (Probably, hard), and then just leaves without the girl. Something felt staged, almost unreal about the situation, But maybe it just sounded weird because It was 4 in the morning. Maybe.


Again that part in bold should be a separate paragraph.

And that's it for that.

Overall: I like this idea. It's pretty exciting with those nightmares and this strange girl. The characters also came through pretty well. The dialogue between the family members was pretty realistic. So overall good job!!

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

This review courtesy of
Image






Thank you!
So honestly these reviews give me a whole other perspective on things (And I am very grateful for that!) My brain does only (normally) on type of perspective. And I, by myself, Normally can't find those areas you pointed out! And I am sooo happy you mentioned everything so I can make it better slowly and hopefully it'll turn out properly. I shall fix the areas you pointed out. Thank you!!



HarryHardy says...


Your Welcome!!
Yaa..you never find mistakes in your own writing somehow.
Good Luck with your writing!!



User avatar
21 Reviews


Points: 1495
Reviews: 21

Donate
Wed Jul 08, 2020 10:00 pm
View Likes
Andrewknorpp wrote a review...



Hey! This sounds like an interesting start! There are defiantly some solid lines and ideas, such as "Her smooth and light voice shakes me from my prison, I turn and look at her, my eyes feeling heavy with sleep." And a strange girl appearing out of nowhere is interesting.
But to tell the truth, throughout the entire thing I was confused. To start, there are many grammatical mistakes that would take much time to point all of them out to you, but I'm sure you can find them, most of the things I noticed was the lack of commas.
Also, many of the sentences don't feel like they should be together, and all in all there isn't enough explanation for anything, I noticed this particularly in the opening bit

"Causing him to begin laughing.

“Don’t get mad, I was just playin’ around. Mr. Grumpy face!” He says and gently flicks a strand of hair away from my face. Winter's complexion was fairly manly. Manly enough to pass for a police officer and not some kid who’d dress up as a cop. (We all know deep down that side of him is still in there) Winter has soft black hair. It’s shorter than it used to be but still very handsome looking. His brown eyes seem to compliment his hair. Everything about this character is the hair. No matter what if his hair is having a bad hair day is he is most definitely having a bad day. His eyes show it."
When is the punching occurring? Where did Winter come from? Does our main character like or hate Winter?
The opening like also confusing. I understand if you want to throw the audience into the story, have us piece things together, have everything disconcertingly confusing. But there aren't any pieces, and it's not disconcerting just confusing. Maybe some more sentences to transition from ideas would help. Also, edit out some of the randomnesses, or make them into entire biographies that explain themselves, like Winter being into his hair?
But this does feel like the start of something interesting. Good luck, and don't forget to keep writing.






Thank you!
I had thought my story was a bit rushed and the grammatical you pointed out makes a lot of sense.. Um so thank you for the feedback! I really needed that, and I'll keep working on making my writing better and make it so much more understandable!
Thank you!!




"Please put me in the quote generator whenever you like."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi