Running with a child in my arms
A sister she may be
A friend for sure
A baby girl who’s stolen my heart
From the moment I saw her shining blue eyes
And golden blonde hair
Can’t imagine my life
Before my darling little friend
~
Sweet memories
Run to the next
And open the door
~
Frolicking in the Loop
Smiling at my dad
Looking through store windows
A feeling undescribed
Joy and love without
Freezing cold weather
But I’m warmed by his smile
And it doesn’t matter what we do
As long as I’m with him
~
Sweet memories
Run to the next
And open the door
~
Playing with my sister
We’re running through the meadow
Our dog chases after us
As I hear her gentle laughter
So strong and free
A gentle breeze ruffles her hair
And happiness fills the air
There is nothing we can’t do
When we are together
~
Sweet memories
Run to the next
And open the door
~
Watching exciting movies
With my family
Fighting over popcorn
“That’s mine!” someone shouts
But although we have our ups and downs
I’m surrounded by those I loves
And fenced in by those who love me!
~
Sweet, sweet memories
Run to the next
And open the door
~
But in this doorway
Only darkness lies
For the door of the future
I’m unable to see
What is in wait for me
But whatever it is,
I have my friend, dad, sister, and more family
And past, present, or future
They are there with me!
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hey there!
I really enjoyed reading this lovely poem. I'd like to point out a few things if you don't mind. These are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't agree!
Aw, this is a cute and sweet poem! I'm sure your family would enjoy reading this
I think your poem could be separated into stanzas. Right now, it's a big chunk of text. Separating your poem into stanzas would make this an easier read and less intimidating.
"From the moment I saw her shining blue eyes
And golden blonde hair
Can’t imagine my life
Before my darling little friend"
I think the third line is a bit strange without a subject. I'd change it to "I couldn't imagine my life"
"But I’m warmed by your smile
And it doesn’t matter what we do
As long as I’m with you"
This is cute! But I'm a bit confused. Up until now, you've been referring to others as "Dad" and "sister." Who is the you? I suggest sticking to one way of referring to people, or clarify who "you" is.
"But in this doorway
Only darkness lies
For the door of the future
I’m unable to see
What is in wait for me"
Ooh, I like this sudden change of what you see behind the door, that's really nice! The last line doesn't really make sense though. You can change it to a couple of things to make sense out of it. One way is "What is waiting for me"
Another thing I'd like to mention is line length. Sometimes you have really long lines which clash against your shorter lines. You can break up longer lines into two lines so your line length is more consistent.
Overall, this is a really nice poem, and I hope my review helped!
Yes, thank you! I'll take your advice and separate it into stanzas too.
And Idk how to separate them into stanzas on this website. Pressing enter isn't working?
Oh yes, sometimes pressing enter doesn%u2019t work. What you can do is put a dash between your stanzas. Like in the empty space, you can put a ~ or a - or whatever you want, so your spaces will remain! I hope that helps
How to Format Poetry
This link is also a good source for formatting poetry!
Hello! I'm Jade and I'm here to give you a quick review of your poem, so let's just get started.
I think that it's sweetly upbeat in a way, and weaves an intricate view in the mind's eye. It is sweet to read and reminds me of my childhood in a way! It has great imagery, my only critiques would be that stanzas may be good for this type of poem, and some parts don't flow very well. Other than that I find this a pretty well done poem, keep writing, it was very nice to read this
Jade
Hey Zoro, may I call you that?
Welcome to YWS! I'm Myth and I'll be reviewing your poem today. (And by the way, I can help you with formatting your poem if you need help, anytime! When I say anytime, it's probably when both of us are awake. I'm most likely in a different time zone.)
Okay, let's get started.
Your poem flowed pretty well, and it's very cute; especially the first part.
This is what I was talking about. It just gives a very wholesome feeling and is very pleasantly satisfying to read.
I really like the idea behind the poem. I take it that you're talking about your drive - your source of optimism. It's very nice to find optimism. It's inspirational.
I'm not going to talk about the organization because the seperation of verses is a pain. I'll help you if you need it.
KEEP WRITING!!!!
Yours sincerely,
Myth