This is actually a poem that I came up with at about 11:00 at night, just thinking about what I was feeling, and what lots of people probably also feel at some point in their life. I know that, for me personally, I have two separate personalities. One at school, and one at home. So, I like to put on a smile every day, and try to meet great people, even though I might be hurting deep inside from what someone has said. But, I know that it is very hard to find someone who will look out for you no matter what. Just please remember that if anyone feels all alone, they are not, they will find someone who likes them for who they are, and doesn't want to change anything about them.
A lifted chin, A cheerful grin, Teeth bright pure white, What a joyous sight.
A face that reflects the sun's brilliant rays, As any blemishes are left behind in a thick haze. Pretty, perfect, rosy red cheeks Diminish all flaws that a hater seeks.
Walking down school halls, her smile shines on; Any signs of sadness will always be gone. Smart and witty in every way, Never once having a gloomy day.
Friendly and caring to everyone she meets; Warm and hearty to those she greets. Bright blue eyes that light up the dark room, Like a flower in radiant bloom.
--On the outside, smiling away. --On the inside, dreading another day.
Deep down a heart that fills with pain, As darkening thoughts start to enter her brain.
Those she can talk to do not seem to care About anything more than the smile that is there. Much pain does she feel as she walks all alone, Wishing anyone will notice as she makes her way home.
The rude comments and remarks from some of her peers Always leaves her crying many tears. Shyness engulfs all the thoughts in her head; So she shuts her mouth, and says nothing instead.
She wants someone to feel all the hurt that she bears; But she hasn't found a soul, no one who cares. Still, she drags on with her life, so bare and lonely, Wanting someone who loves the way she is -- and that only.
Every day of the week she puts on this grin, Hoping someone will see her true heart, and what lies within. Yet she knows she will have to wait a while, Until someone will see beneath her smile.
She believes no one cares for the person inside. So she puts on a mask, and lets her true self hide.
I really liked this. You've somehow managed to fill it with a sense of raw emotion yet made it sound restrained and desperate to escape. The character is very deep and I can relate to this person in that I think you have managed to create a picture that you could apply to most people. We all hide the person we really are and hope that someone will discover it yet we are all also like the people who scorn the character and talk about her behind her back. From my point of view you have created a near perfect snapshot of the most delicate states of human nature.
I am going to use my favorite phrase, possibly overused by me, but it soooo applies in this case. This poem was legen...... wait for it....... dary!!!!!!
I feel the same way, I used to do that a lot, then I said screw it and just showed up as myself the next day, and people respected me for it. Just put yourself out there, and if someone doesn't like you for who you are, they don't deserve to know you.
You're pretty great! This is a cool poem, and really connected to me. All the neatest people in the world are bottled up inside- introverted, sad, creative.
Wow! Surprisingly, overall I don't see anything wrong. Normally with poems of this length there is some issues, but other that minor details that have already been picked up by the other YWSers, I don't see much else to correct. I really liked this, amazing. The feel and tone is lovely, might I add.
I have to post on this one. I must say, I have found this true at many points in my life. I get stuck inside all the lies and sadness, just wanting to fade into the shadows and wishing someone would see. Anyways, Yes, I can totally relate. I just think it's great that you've put it in writing so beautifully. I may not be an experienced writer, but I love how you paint the picture of this girl. It gives me a clear image. I really enjoyed reading this poem. Keep writing!
I love the rhythm, and the rhyme, it flows very smoothly and doesn't seem forced at all. It's the story of my life! Haha! Every one has to battle their insecurities in order to become something great! Love this! Keep Writing!
Perfect. Thats all I have to say. I love it. It is so true and emotional. Its realistic and sad. Its such a beautiful poem. I could relate to it completley. Amazing poem. Its my my new favorite.
Thanks so much! What I've realized throughout this year especially is that God will be there for everyone, no matter WHAT. We just have to be reminded of that all the time.
This is truely amazing. It's very honest and has great heart put into it, that I can tell. I really felt the emotion behind it and I am guessing it is personal experience as I can relate to it very much. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this. Nice rhythm and over all very good job. Keep it up.
MissRockers, this is a wonderfully crafted poem! The flow, rhyme scheme, appearance--EVERYTHING was perfectly executed! I honestly have nothing to point out!
"Every day of the week she puts on this grin, Hoping someone will see her true heart, and what lies within. Yet she knows she will have to wait a while, Until someone will see beneath her smile."
I LOVE how the title fits so flawlessly within this stanza!
I love it!!!!!! I know how it feels to be that girl the praticed actress whom know one really knows. No one bothers to actually lift the mask. To see the suffering is actally panful and you just want someone to be there. someone to listen to what you have to say. I mean is it asking to much from a friend anyway? - well um i would just change a few thing like taking some of your s's off and changing a few things. Overall it was an amazing piece of writing. It was inspiring!!!!! Hope I helped - SHYGRL
Very good work here!!! Painted a really good scene and very descriptive so thats a plus haha. Well I can't find any spelling or grammar errors nor punctuation. So good job with this and I can't wait to do more soon!!!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!!!!!! Keep up the good work!!!!!!! Soulkana<33
I can deffinitely relate to this. Very nicely written, it painted a clear picture in my mind and didn't create any confusion at all. I'm not very good at the whole grammar thing so I don't think I'd be much help on that subject. If there is any errors, I'll have to leave that to others to point unfortunately. All in all, I absolutely adore this. Wonderfull job and good luck with your future writes.
The poem's interesting and sad at the same time.. I felt that way before when I was still in elementary through middle school and a little bit more towards the beginning of November freshmen year.. When my sophmore year began I felt alot better cuz I found good friends I can share my feelings and worries.
This very deep and very true especially of women. I still continue to have days like those where your radiant on the outside but terribly gloomy on the inside. I really loved this poem and can relate to it on a personal level. I believe writing out feelings helps ease the pain or gloomy days that we tend to endure in life. Keep up the writing its remarkable!
Wow!!! You have expressed that thought wonderfully: 'Sometimes a person who laughs and makes others laugh would be the one having a thunderstorm of sadness in his/her heart.' Your way of expression is wonderful. You reminded me of the saying: Not all scars show, Not all wounds heal, Not everybody knows, The pain someone feels.
Wow! That was great! Your rhythm was fantastic and it flowed off the tongue perfectly. It reads like a poem should Also, the emotion is very prominent and I'm sure many people can relate to this, including me, as this is a topic I'm familiar with. (As you may know ;P)
Besides that,
The rude comments and remarks from some of her peers Leave her crying many tears. I think this line is too short to match the rest of the poem. It feels awkward, like it shouldn't be there. Try to re-word it to make it longer. Shyness engulfs all the thoughts in her head; So she shuts her mouth, and says nothing instead. LOVE these last two lines.
Furthermore,
Walking down school halls, her smile shines on; Any signs of sadness seem to appear gone. 'Seem to appear gone' sounds strange here. How would it seem to appear gone if you can't tell? You wouldn't even know the sadness was once there, and it's also a bit confusing because you don't refer to her hidden feelings until after this. Smart and witty in every way, Never once having a gloomy day.
Wanting someone who loves the way she is -- and that only. Brilliant line
Keep writing, please! You're a very good writer, and I hope you post more of your work!
Hey, this is a great poem! you've left me pleasantly surprised.
--On the outside, smiling away. --On the inside, dreading another day.
I loved these lines, they describe the best the difference between appearance and essence, between what we see from outside vs what is inside.
Still, she drags on with her life, so bare and lonely, Wanting someone who loves the way she is -- and that only.
Also loved these lines!
She believes no one cares for the person inside. So she puts on a mask, and lets her true self hide.
And the ending is perfect! I think all of us can relate to this feeling you describe here. I personally could identify myself with the girl that apparently "never once having a gloomy day."
That ending really is perfect, I'm so glad you took my advise. You're very talented with you writing, especially at creating feelings in what you write - Well done
I'm not too sure if the first stanza is necessary.
In the second stanza I feel like there may be a more appropriate word you could use in place of gorgeous. I have it on the tip of my tongue but can't for the life of me think of it right now. I'll probably think of it really randomly sometime and wonder what initiated the thought.
As any blemishes are left behind in a haze.
I'm thinking it might be nice to add a little more detailing about the haze in order to make the image more vivid, something like...
any blemishes left behind in a foggy haze.
Maybe not foggy but that's just to give you an idea.
Are exactly what she faces, leaving her crying many tears
This line feels really awkward. I think it needs rephrasing.
So she shuts her mouth, and says nothing instead.
GREAT line!
Still, she drags on with her life, so bare and lonely,
I keep reading this and no matter how many time I do my mind keeps saying ALONE, the bare and lonely just isn't mixing for me I don't think
She believes no one cares for the person inside. So she puts on a mask, and lets her true self hide.
Personally I think that this would be the perfectly poignant ending. It's saying both so little and so much at the same time.
OVERALL I really enjoyed this. Especially the transition between the outside and the inside. Maybe you could play with the concept of a mask more in some way because that could be quite a gruesome image to play with. For instance having the mask on makes people more comfortable but then the person herself becomes much more ugly because of it - just a thought. Though saying that you may not have room for that within this poem, maybe you could make it into a series of poems?
I really loved this poem a lot. It had so many beautiful aspects to it. You have a nice way with words. I found it difficult to pick a favorite line. The flow of it all sounded really nice. Although, I did spot a few minor flaws. But nothing too major I think. For example, you spelled the word "soul" wrong. But that's easy to fix. Great work I think! Keep it up. Continue to write beautiful poetry.
LUUUUUUUUUUUVVVVVV it!!! (I meant to misspell that, please forgive my ungrammaticalness. And I just googled ungrammaticalness. Soooooooo not a real word.) And you're right, it rhymes! Awesome, mine never do. (Do you remember the creepy haiku I wrote last year? The one I needed you to decipher 'cause I had no idea what it meant? I should post that and creep YWS out. Any who...it didn't rhyme. Wow. Did I really just use up all that space to say that? I'm rambling this morning. Probably shouldn't have had 3 poptarts.) But it's also really sad. (I love smiley/frowny faces to an unhealthy point.) You're right. Everyone's felt that way at one point in their life. But it will get better. It always does. So keep putting one foot in front of the other, and the sun will eventually come up. (This is the part of the "review" where I become all serious and change lives with my awe-inspiring words.) I loved it. Keep writing. (I've used up too much space already, though, trust me, I could go on all day.) Alright, real reviewers, have at it! (But be nice to my friend, or I will...something or other.) Peace, worlds.
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It's like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story. — Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind
I really liked this. You've somehow managed to fill it with a sense of raw emotion yet made it sound restrained and desperate to escape. The character is very deep and I can relate to this person in that I think you have managed to create a picture that you could apply to most people. We all hide the person we really are and hope that someone will discover it yet we are all also like the people who scorn the character and talk about her behind her back. From my point of view you have created a near perfect snapshot of the most delicate states of human nature.
I am going to use my favorite phrase, possibly overused by me, but it soooo applies in this case. This poem was legen......
wait for it.......
dary!!!!!!
I feel the same way, I used to do that a lot, then I said screw it and just showed up as myself the next day, and people respected me for it. Just put yourself out there, and if someone doesn't like you for who you are, they don't deserve to know you.
You're pretty great! This is a cool poem, and really connected to me. All the neatest people in the world are bottled up inside- introverted, sad, creative.
You are someone just like me =}
Wow! Surprisingly, overall I don't see anything wrong. Normally with poems of this length there is some issues, but other that minor details that have already been picked up by the other YWSers, I don't see much else to correct. I really liked this, amazing. The feel and tone is lovely, might I add.
~Fortissimo(:
I have to post on this one. I must say, I have found this true at many points in my life. I get stuck inside all the lies and sadness, just wanting to fade into the shadows and wishing someone would see. Anyways, Yes, I can totally relate. I just think it's great that you've put it in writing so beautifully. I may not be an experienced writer, but I love how you paint the picture of this girl. It gives me a clear image. I really enjoyed reading this poem. Keep writing!
I really like this! I think everyone can relate to this at some point in their lives.
I love the rhythm, and the rhyme, it flows very smoothly and doesn't seem forced at all. It's the story of my life! Haha! Every one has to battle their insecurities in order to become something great! Love this! Keep Writing!
Perfect. Thats all I have to say. I love it. It is so true and emotional. Its realistic and sad. Its such a beautiful poem. I could relate to it completley. Amazing poem. Its my my new favorite.
wow! that was brilliant...loved it! it was great......
Thanks so much! What I've realized throughout this year especially is that God will be there for everyone, no matter WHAT. We just have to be reminded of that all the time.
This is an amazing poem. It really touched me, and I felt deep pity for this girl. Keep up the amazing work!!
This is truely amazing. It's very honest and has great heart put into it, that I can tell. I really felt the emotion behind it and I am guessing it is personal experience as I can relate to it very much. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this. Nice rhythm and over all very good job. Keep it up.
MissRockers, this is a wonderfully crafted poem! The flow, rhyme scheme, appearance--EVERYTHING was perfectly executed! I honestly have nothing to point out!
"Every day of the week she puts on this grin,
Hoping someone will see her true heart, and what lies within.
Yet she knows she will have to wait a while,
Until someone will see beneath her smile."
I LOVE how the title fits so flawlessly within this stanza!
I love it!!!!!! I know how it feels to be that girl the praticed actress whom know one really knows. No one bothers to actually lift the mask. To see the suffering is actally panful and you just want someone to be there. someone to listen to what you have to say. I mean is it asking to much from a friend anyway?
- well um i would just change a few thing like taking some of your s's off and changing a few things. Overall it was an amazing piece of writing. It was inspiring!!!!!
Hope I helped
- SHYGRL
Very good work here!!! Painted a really good scene and very descriptive so thats a plus haha. Well I can't find any spelling or grammar errors nor punctuation. So good job with this and I can't wait to do more soon!!!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!!!!!! Keep up the good work!!!!!!!
Soulkana<33
I can deffinitely relate to this. Very nicely written, it painted a clear picture in my mind and didn't create any confusion at all. I'm not very good at the whole grammar thing so I don't think I'd be much help on that subject. If there is any errors, I'll have to leave that to others to point unfortunately. All in all, I absolutely adore this. Wonderfull job and good luck with your future writes.
The poem's interesting and sad at the same time.. I felt that way before when I was still in elementary through middle school and a little bit more towards the beginning of November freshmen year.. When my sophmore year began I felt alot better cuz I found good friends I can share my feelings and worries.
This very deep and very true especially of women. I still continue to have days like those where your radiant on the outside but terribly gloomy on the inside. I really loved this poem and can relate to it on a personal level. I believe writing out feelings helps ease the pain or gloomy days that we tend to endure in life. Keep up the writing its remarkable!
Wow!!! You have expressed that thought wonderfully: 'Sometimes a person who laughs and makes others laugh would be the one having a thunderstorm of sadness in his/her heart.'
Your way of expression is wonderful.
You reminded me of the saying:
Not all scars show,
Not all wounds heal,
Not everybody knows,
The pain someone feels.
Touching poem, really! I loved it.
Yep, thanks everyone for the great reviews! I took some of your advice, and I believe it has really improved my piece overall! Thanks again!
Hello again! I see the improvements you've made, much better!
Wow! That was great! Your rhythm was fantastic and it flowed off the tongue perfectly. It reads like a poem should
Also, the emotion is very prominent and I'm sure many people can relate to this, including me, as this is a topic I'm familiar with. (As you may know ;P)
Besides that,
Furthermore,
Keep writing, please! You're a very good writer, and I hope you post more of your work!
~Mask
Hey, this is a great poem! you've left me pleasantly surprised.
I loved these lines, they describe the best the difference between appearance and essence, between what we see from outside vs what is inside.
Also loved these lines!
And the ending is perfect! I think all of us can relate to this feeling you describe here. I personally could identify myself with the girl that apparently "never once having a gloomy day."
I therefore think your poem was a great read!
Ah, I see you've made some changes - Great!
That ending really is perfect, I'm so glad you took my advise. You're very talented with you writing, especially at creating feelings in what you write - Well done
Hey I'm Amie and I shall be reviewing today.
I'm thinking it might be nice to add a little more detailing about the haze in order to make the image more vivid, something like... Maybe not foggy but that's just to give you an idea.I'll start with some NIT PICKS...
I'm not too sure if the first stanza is necessary.
In the second stanza I feel like there may be a more appropriate word you could use in place of gorgeous. I have it on the tip of my tongue but can't for the life of me think of it right now. I'll probably think of it really randomly sometime and wonder what initiated the thought.
This line feels really awkward. I think it needs rephrasing.
GREAT line!
I keep reading this and no matter how many time I do my mind keeps saying ALONE, the bare and lonely just isn't mixing for me I don't think
Personally I think that this would be the perfectly poignant ending. It's saying both so little and so much at the same time.
OVERALL
I really enjoyed this. Especially the transition between the outside and the inside. Maybe you could play with the concept of a mask more in some way because that could be quite a gruesome image to play with. For instance having the mask on makes people more comfortable but then the person herself becomes much more ugly because of it - just a thought. Though saying that you may not have room for that within this poem, maybe you could make it into a series of poems?
Keep writing!
I really loved this poem a lot. It had so many beautiful aspects to it. You have a nice way with words. I found it difficult to pick a favorite line. The flow of it all sounded really nice. Although, I did spot a few minor flaws. But nothing too major I think. For example, you spelled the word "soul" wrong.
But that's easy to fix. Great work I think! Keep it up. Continue to write beautiful poetry.
LUUUUUUUUUUUVVVVVV it!!! (I meant to misspell that, please forgive my ungrammaticalness. And I just googled ungrammaticalness. Soooooooo not a real word.)
(I love smiley/frowny faces to an unhealthy point.) You're right. Everyone's felt that way at one point in their life. But it will get better. It always does. So keep putting one foot in front of the other, and the sun will eventually come up. (This is the part of the "review" where I become all serious and change lives with my awe-inspiring words.)
And you're right, it rhymes! Awesome, mine never do. (Do you remember the creepy haiku I wrote last year? The one I needed you to decipher 'cause I had no idea what it meant? I should post that and creep YWS out. Any who...it didn't rhyme. Wow. Did I really just use up all that space to say that? I'm rambling this morning. Probably shouldn't have had 3 poptarts.)
But it's also really sad.
I loved it. Keep writing. (I've used up too much space already, though, trust me, I could go on all day.)
Alright, real reviewers, have at it! (But be nice to my friend, or I will...something or other.)
Peace, worlds.