E - Everyone

Potions and Poisons (1/3)

"I wonder if you will escape death," Mortilsa murmured, tapping against the glass jar where a giant, fat toad resided. The toad had been subject to many an experiment in the past, and this time it was claimed that the toad had been fed a sample of a deadly poison, leading to fatality in almost every other case. The toad had also been fed a new concoction, a vibrant red substance with the same viscosity as that of blood- dubbed as the elixir of immortality. Mortilsa gently placed the jar onto the wooden table, beside a small cauldron of bubbling red juice. Around the room, Mortilsa glanced at the thousands of pots and jars lined up in cabinets, some old and dusty, others brand new to the shelves.

This room was where the potions were made, one of two rooms (excluding the cellar, where they lived) that made up "Amaizur's Store of Potions and Poisons". Fellow witches, dwarves, elves and elementals would travel from all corners of the land in search of elixirs, although the store itself was unknown to many. Agatha, the aunt of Mortilsa, had inherited the store and learned how to brew all kinds of potions, encompassing emotion potions, plagues and blessings. Agatha was known to many as the Poison Witch.

Aside from the crackling of the fire and gurgling of the cauldron, the store was rather quiet. Mortilsa could hear her aunt  in the front room, engaging in conversation with its only customer.

"Oh, you are so charming, Eerat! I don't know why you ask for such a potion in the first place, surely you must seem magnetic towards women!" Agatha warbled. "But don't you worry, we'll have you sorted at a small price!"

Despite the joy which radiated from Agatha, there was no atmosphere of happiness in the Wraithwoods. Of the two kingdoms, that of light and that of darkness, the Wraithwoods served as the capitol of the kingdom of darkness. The woods were always blackened and the glow of the moon acted as the only source of light, spilling over the forest floor in uneven patches. Sometimes the terrain would sparkle white, where faeries had been passing, although those moments were rare, as most of the creatures of the Wraithwoods were in hiding. Even giants and wolves would only be seen on occasion, wary of the threat whispered through the trees, of an undeclared ruler of the land, known as the Queen of Darkness. 

   She would ride inside a chariot of shadows, and wear cloaks stained with black blood, and had earned a notoriety for her two alleged powers- immortality, and the ability to induce sudden death in others. Mortilsa felt her skin prickle at the thought, eyes wandering to the window to be sure she was safe. Her eyes met only darkness, and her own reflection: the soft curls of black hair drizzling down her shoulders and chest, and those striking green eyes she had always known.

"Yes, Eerat, well don't you worry, I'll just go and get- Mortilsa!" Agatha called out, "Will you come here for a moment please?"

Mortilsa arrived to her aunt's side at the counter, where a fierce-eyed goblin glared up at her from the other side. "Will you look after this kind gentleman while I collect his potion?" Agatha smiled, rushing away.

"It's unusually quiet in here today," The goblin commented, once he and Mortilsa were alone. "Are you closing early today?"

"Yes," She lied, "Aunt Agatha wants to collect more Nightjuice for the sleeping elixirs."

Although Agatha was in need of ingredients, the store would still technically be open, but only for one visitor, who had travelled for weeks from the most northern point in the kingdom of darkness. His name was Huon Greytongue, Aunt Agatha had said, also known as the Emperor of the Undead; one of the most famous men in the kingdom, he travelled along the border with his army of skeletal children, to protect the lands from unwanted visitors. But he was an aged man now, with a reputation to keep, and was taking a secret trip to collect a youth elixir in order to restore his strength and appearance.

Agatha returned with a small vial of translucent blue liquid with a silver lid- Mortilsa could recognise this one easily, the only potion she had learned to identify, the love potion. The goblin, Eerat, snatched the potion from Agatha's hands, his eyes greedy.

"That's three coppers," Agatha reminded him, and he snapped "yes, yes", tossing the coins on the counter as he scurried away, leaving a trail of blue gas smoking behind him. 

************

It was less than two hours later that the great wooden shop door was heaved open, tinkling on a small bell as the visitors entered. Mortilsa was sitting at the counter, as instructed by Agatha, transferring all the copper coins into small brown bags to be stored in the cellar. The two figures that entered were cloaked in blue, each carrying the skeletal hand sigil over their left breast. 

"Aunt Agatha," Mortilsa called, "Our visitors are here."

No reply.

The smaller of the cloaked figures unveiled first, a frail old man with wisps of grey hair sprouting from his head and chin, and eyes of pure black, like two giant pupils, glistening in the candlelight. Huon Greytongue had become weak. Beside the Emperor, the second man was revealed to be his knight, a figure with broad shoulders and a shock of silvery hair over milky, white skin. 

 "My name is Sir Auberon," The knight introduced himself, "protector of the Emperor and companion-protector of the realm of darkness. The Emperor must know where his medicine lies."

"I- I'm not entirely sure," Mortilsa answered, "I've only been living here since the end of last year, but my aunt would be able to tell you..."

Auberon and Greytongue exchanged glances uncertainly. "I'm afraid we cannot stay for long," Auberon warned, "We believe there may have been eyes watching our arrival."

"What do you mean?"

Greytongue answered with a shaky voice, "My dear, there is a strange silence about the forest tonight, it is quieter than usual."

"Our horses could not enter the district," Auberon added, "They simply would not pass the border. We had to leave them, and ever since, it has appeared that... we may not have travelled alone."

Mortilsa nodded, "We could probably keep you here for the night, if you need protection."

"That would be most kind," Greytongue murmured.

Mortilsa bid her visitors to look around the shop, while she left to the back room to fetch her aunt. The room was dark, and the candles had been put out, yet the fire at the end of the room still illuminated the walls in an orange glow, casting long shadows over the shelves and jars and something on the floor. In the centre of the room, Aunt Agatha lay sprawled over the ground, unmoving. Mortilsa choked on her breath, dashing to Agatha's side.

"Aunt, wake up, Aunt Agatha," She cried out, shaking her shoulders, then just the face. Agatha's cheeks were still warm. Not dead, unconscious. There was no sign of an open potion in the room, no scent lingering in the air. The toad had managed to escape from its container, yet the rest of the room seemed untouched. Mortilsa darted from one cabinet to another in search of a potion that may assist, to no avail. The labels were simply roman numerals, an alien language which offered no help in search for a cure.

Mortilsa returned to the shop floor, where the visitors were inspecting relics lined up along open shelves. She approached Sir Auberon, but before speaking, realised the windows were still exposed. Mortilsa began blowing out candles, until the room was dimly lit by a mere three, and Auberon was watching curiously. 

"Do we need it to be any darker?" He asked.

"Sir Auberon, I believe there may be some truth in the belief that you have been followed here," Mortilsa spoke gravely. 

"What?" Alarm sparked in his eyes, and Auberon moved his hand to a sword by his belt.

"Something has put a spell on my aunt," Mortilsa whispered, "and in order to do that, the creature would need to be inside this house..."

A silence suddenly filled the room. For a moment, no one moved. Auberon began to slowly unsheathe his sword. 

"We should go, now," Auberon breathed, and then to Mortilsa, "Come with us- we need to leave. Right now."

She nodded, and Auberon quietly pulled the door open, holding the bell above the door still to prevent any noise. One by one, Auberon, Greytongue and Mortilsa filed out of the room and into the icy air of the midnight forest. Mortilsa shivered, clasping her bare arms. 

"He can't run at all, he's getting weaker," Auberon gestured to the Emperor, "But I know a place we can get to in the meantime."

Mortilsa nodded in agreement, and they began to scurry through the forest, as Auberon took the lead. Mortilsa looked back at her home one last time, and watched as the dim light cast from the windows suddenly vanished into darkness.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
IcyFlame
Review

Hi there,
I came across the second part of this piece and figured since I intend to review that part, I should really come back to this piece and offer you my comments on this section as well.

I don't think you needed to introduce the character of the Queen of Darkness so early. It would flow a little better I think if you allowed her to come up naturally in the story. I presume she will be key to the plot but I'm sure that she could be introduced a little later where it feels more relevant.

There aren't that many grammatical errors and I feel most will have probably been pointed out so I'll just point out what I found.

"Yes," Sshe lied[b].[s], "Aunt Agatha wants to collect more Nightjuice for the sleeping elixirs."

Just be careful with how you write your speech.

I like your characters overall, but I'm hoping they develop a little further in the next piece as I currently don't feel they have that much depth to them. Having said that, it's only the first section of your story so that's completely natural.

The premise of this really appeals to me, so I'll definitely go on to read the next section now.

Sorry this has been so brief!
Icy

Hey Icy, thanks for your review! I agree completely with these comments and definitely keep the whole character-development aspect in mind :D

User avatar
Atticus
Review

Hey there! MJ here for a review :)

Agatha was known to many as the Poison Witch.
This sentence didn't really fit into the paragraph very well, and seemed to jut out of the end like you just tacked it on to the end of a paragraph where it seemed like it fit. It is essential for the story, but I would rework it so that it fits in better.

"That's three coppers," Agatha reminded him, and he snapped "yes, yes", tossing the coins on the counter as he scurried away, leaving a trail of blue gas smoking behind him.
Every time a character speaks, he or she should get his/her own paragraph, even though this was just a minor response.

Other than that, this was a very suspenseful, edge-of-your seat novel, and I thought it was very superbly written. I searched this thoroughly for several minutes to try and find a few spots you could fix up, and here's my advice:

I would have liked you to incorporate the frog a little bit more. I'm not quite sure how you could do this, but I think that since you pointed out that it had escaped and it was the only thing that appeared touched, that could be another part of the mystery.

The conversation between Mortilsa and Greytongue seemed strangely casual, since Greytongue appeared to be an emperor, and Mortilsa was only the helper for a potion shop. I would have expected a bit more of a formal title given to Greytongue, and also how he might have had a more superior air.

The forest wasn't really described at all, except in the brief words Greytongue shared, and I think that could have been another way to foreshadow the possible conflict, maybe if Mortilsa had glanced out the window and felt that something was off earlier in the day, to plant those first seeds of eeriness in the reader's mind.

That's all I really have for you! I'm really enjoying this series, and I'll be sure to check it out some more!

Best wishes,
MJ

Thank you MJ for this brilliant review! I'll keep all of these points in mind, especially the frog one XD

User avatar
deleted221222
Review

So, I came into this review doped up on sugar and candy, fully prepared to criticise everything I could. To my surprise, though, I don't have anything to tell you. This is really well written.

I don't mention grammar mistakes and such since I'm a fast reader, so I usually read over them. I didn't notice any major problems you had with your writing. The only advice I could offer is that you split the paragraph where you explain the Queen of Darkness and Mortilsa's appearance since they aren't related to each other.

For actual substance, I don't have any real criticisms about the plotline. Whatever you've written seems interesting, and ending the part when they leave was a good choice for a cliffhanger.

The setting also nice. A Kingdom of darkness where things aren't happy times. I can see a lot of potential in exploring this Kingdom. The only bit of criticism I have for setting is that you do do a bit of info dumping. If the place if such a sad times land, you can try to show it in nature, such as dead and decrepit trees and other spooky stuff.

Characters is a mixed bag for me. I like how Mortilsa had been developed as a calm and cool sort of person, who tries to warn Auberon and Greytongue about whatever was in the house without screaming bloody murder. I also like how Agatha seems to be a much more positive spirit in gloomville. I'd have liked to know why she had become like that despite being based in said gloomville.

The other two, however, I feel are a bit underdeveloped, even for a first chapter. You've said that Greytongue is a sort of hero, protecting the land from invaders, but has been shown to be a spindly old man. While yes, he is, in fact, a spindly old man, I'd expect a former hero-like character to have more gusto, not be all gloomy and complacent (Now I want to see Grumpy Old Greytongue). Auberon is pretty much a cliche knight from what I've seen. Yes, while he is, in fact, a knight, you have explained that the Kingdom of Darkness is a moody place where happy things dare not tread. Things like honour and chivalry probably wouldn't transition well into gloomsville. It might be better if you'd introduce some kind of negative quirks to his character so that he fits better into gloomsville.

So to sum it up, you're good at writing things, the plot is okay, the setting should be more reflected in nature, and make your characters more gloomsville friendly. Other than that, you do have a good starting point for your story. Can't wait for the next chapter.

Thank you Thundahguy! These are some great comments and I'll keep them in mind for the next chapter :D

User avatar
Sujana
Review
Sujana wrote a review · Wed Jul 19, 2017 9:40 am

Your local mysteryman here, at your service. I just caught wind of your story, and since it seems like it's going to be a three-parter, I'm probably in for the whole ride. Hang tight.

First comments: The story as a whole seems like it has an interesting premise. We have, of course, the Queen of Darkness, who by Law of Fictional Conservation is probably the thing going after these poor lot. Unless you're planning to have a Red Herring moment on us (as in, the creature isn't actually the Queen of Darkness), I feel like you didn't need to tell us immediately in the beginning that the world does have a queen called the Queen of Darkness. I'm not a fan of exposition dumping, and chances are neither are most of your readers--the general rule of thumb for exposition (at least the way I see it) is to show while you're moving along. If you can't see the Queen of Darkness, the most you could do for her should be mentioning her in passing, or not mention at her at all. And if you do mention her in passing, the best way to let it past your readers is to relate it to your main character, ie "When Mortilsa was younger the schoolkids used to tell scary stories about the Queen" or something of that sort. Otherwise, it feels boring and lifeless, and there isn't much reason for the readers to keep listening.

Other than that, I haven't quite got to the grips of Mortisla or Agatha's characters. This is normal in the beginning, of course, as Mortilsa probably will be the Shy Girl type that will only bloom later on, though in the beginning you already have a Character Establishing (or what SHOULD be a Character Establishing) moment where Agatha has collapsed in the cellar. I mean, most normal people would immediately assume the worst and start screaming for help--and while Mortilsa certainly isn't happy that Agatha seems gone, if she cared more for Agatha's wellbeing, she would've asked Auberon or the Emperor for help. This could, again, be a sign of her character; she may be cool-headed and logical, immediately deducing a connection between the Emperor's fear and her aunt's death. However, I would imagine if she loved her aunt (which she may not, but since her aunt seems nice enough I assume she does) she would've at least asked Auberon "What about my aunt?"

And perhaps lastly, some highlights:

Agatha, the aunt of Mortilsa, had inherited the store and learned how to brew all kinds of potions, encompassing emotion potions, plagues and blessings. Agatha was known to many as the Poison Witch.


Could be shown through customer dialogue, if this is important information. Otherwise, leave it out.

Mortilsa could hear her aunt in the front room, engaging in conversation with its only customer.


Her or its?

Her eyes met only darkness, and her own reflection: the soft curls of black hair drizzling down her shoulders and chest, and those striking green eyes she had always known.


This is of course a personal preference, but I dislike the 'mirror, mirror' trick of describing the main character. It feels rather cheap and forced, and overall describing the character in more dynamic ways (ie, she's combing toad remains out of her dark hair, describing the toad as similar to the color of her eyes, etc.) is usually more memorable than the static looking at the mirror trick.

Although Agatha was in need of ingredients, the store would still technically be open, but only for one visitor, who had travelled for weeks from the most northern point in the kingdom of darkness. His name was Huon Greytongue, Aunt Agatha had said, also known as the Emperor of the Undead; one of the most famous men in the kingdom, he travelled along the border with his army of skeletal children, to protect the lands from unwanted visitors. But he was an aged man now, with a reputation to keep, and was taking a secret trip to collect a youth elixir in order to restore his strength and appearance.


I feel like this is an example of proper and required exposition, something that needed to be said before the actual visit. However, I felt as if it would've been better if you just limited it to the customer and why they were there, leaving the reputation for later when Mortisla actually meets him. But this is my personal preference.

The goblin, Eerat, snatched the potion from Agatha's hands, his eyes greedy.


I feel like the name is unnecessary, since Agatha already said it before. The audience can deduce who the goblin is.

The toad had managed to escape from its container, yet the rest of the room seemed untouched.


My guess while I'm along for this journey--the toad is the Queen of Darkness.

"Sir Auberon, I believe there may be some truth in the belief that you have been followed here," Mortilsa spoke gravely.


Final advice; another rule of thumb of exposition is Show, Don't Tell. Some user on the internet clarified this rule to say Show Emotion, Tell Feelings. 'Gravely' tells us what Mortilsa's feelings are, but it caps the emotion of the moment. Describe her face, the tone of her voice, the fear in her eyes. Show those emotions. Feelings are meant to be light, not particularly important but helps in setting moods, while emotions are fundamental to the entire scene.

Anyway, that's all I have for now. Afternoon.

--Elliot.

Thank you so much Elliot for such an extensive review! There are some excellent ideas here and I'll keep these points in mind for future writing! :)



I regret everything.
— Ron Swanson