Published July 30, 2011
We listen to the crickets,
and my forgotten coqui.
Something reminds me we're here;
the tropic's summer breeze.
I hear the kids laughing
as they play on the yard.
There's not much to be afraid of
on the country side.
Away from the gray smoke,
away from the noise.
We lay on the grass,
and remember that we called 'sparkling dots'.
They were replaced,
by the city lights,
by sirens and hydroplaning cars.
I save the moment
to take it with me:
Two friends, I, and a shooting star.
If it were for me, we'd never go back.
(The coqui is an amphibian that can only survive in Puerto Rico, it looks like a frog and the male is the only one who sings, something like 'coqui, coqui'. There, I said it, don't google, be happy. ._.) Lol.
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137,725 Literary Works • 672,066 Reviews
Thanks, OnLies.
Very well written and such a peaceful feeling to it. I only spotted one thing that was kind of off.
Like what Twinseed said it would sound better if you put "and remember what we once called "sparkling dots"
I adore the country side , I loved your piece. All I want to say, I really do do appreciate Brandon's review.
Interesting, I love the flow of it and the tranquil picture it paints. It's quite beautiful. My only suggestion is to include the meaning of coqui because I hate looking stuff up. Otherwise, very nice.
Well I didn't actually read about it, I just googled pictures of it XD
Don't worry, I'll keep it a secret o-o'
I'll review your works anytime if you ask.
Spoiler
The coqui is not only a disgusting frog. ._. Lol, I mean that's what it looks like, but it sings... okay, some call it 'make noise', but I like and miss it when I don't hear it, it only lives in Puerto Rico, though. xD
Also, thanks for the review, Brandon.
Spoiler
This poem was so peaceful :3 I like your use of scenery, and I applaud you.
My first instinct after reading this stanza was to be lazy and not look up "coqui", to just find a different poem. However, I looked it up. So you wrote about a frog, huh? Cricket chirps and from croaks. That's actually something very serene to right about, and fits perfectly.
[qoute]Something reminds me we're here;
the tropic's summer breeze.[/quote]
With this line, along with the other already taking me there, I actually felt a little warmer. Which is a bad thing, cause I don't like the heat :/
On the first line, there's no need for a comma. For the second, it feels like you should replace "on" with "within".
I'm not sure why, but this sentence seemed a little too blunt. Too forward. Plus, there's plenty to be afraid of on the country side (wild animals, freaks, guns, drunks, etc).
I really like how you captured the scene of the city here, nicely done.
This was also a nice tid-bit, but I think that you should replace "what we once called" with "the".
Considering that this is continuing from the last stanza, you should either connecting them or adding a semicolon after "sparkling dots". With these three simple lines, you've created a half world. Something that connects with the other half above to give a full view of the city. I like that.
This last stanza conveys your wanting to stay out on the country side very well.
But what do you mean by "If it were for me"?
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. It's a fine piece of work. Since I took the time to read and review it, I'm glad that you've taken your time to look over this.
--Brandon
xoxo