Chapter two: Blinding White
When we walked outside all I could see was blinding whiteness. I stumbled a little with the not being able to see and Parker caught me before I could fall. It took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to everything being so bright. The street was colored pure white. The buildings surrounding the hospital were either made of glass or marble. Even the cars on the street were colored white. It was blinding. Yet my eyes adjusted to it quickly and didn’t have to squint too much to see. I looked up at Parker who wasn’t having a problem at all.
“Where to?” I asked.
“The Housing Sector. It’s the center of all the Sectors. We’ve had an apartment there for the last four years,” Parker told me. I looked down at my left hand where there was diamond ring with emeralds surrounding it. It looked old, more vintage than from today’s time.
“Where did you get this ring?” I asked. It did look familiar, something that was vaguely in my mind.
Parker looked down at it. “I don’t know. From a jewelry store, I guess.” How could he not remember where he bought the ring he proposed with me with? It wasn’t that too long ago... Maybe he had a little amnesia too.
“Oh, okay.” Maybe I should ask him later.
Parker hailed a white cab with a black strip. The car had no driver, but Parker opened the backseat door and I entered. He got in and closed the door. He looked around the driver’s seat. There was a bunch of lighted up buttons and things that I didn’t know what they did.
“Housing Sector, Building 401B,” Parker told the steering wheeling. It seems to understand him because it beeped twice and pulled out into the traffic. The ride was smooth; it felt like we were gliding along. Everything was so... perfect. I looked out the window. There were people on the streets, doing their own things; everyone had smiles, talking with one other. The place had a sense of happiness and uniformity. It was calming. And nerving at the same time. I feel like something should go wrong.
I grabbed Parker’s hand. A little warm comfort was what I needed. But his hand wasn’t very warm, they was cool to the touch. Maybe I was the warm one. I felt my forehead. I felt fine. I was the one that just came out of a coma; I was just adjusting. Parker let me keep my hand, giving it a little squeeze. The building flew by and I saw us passing a big marble and cement wall. A sign on the wall read:
Leaving Terrance.
Welcome to Housing.
“What is with the big wall?” I asked.
“Um, not too sure. Been there as long as I can remember and never thought about why it’s there,” Parker replied.
“Oh.” Silence fell over us again. The cab stopped. Parker got out and swiped his card in the reader on the side of the cab. With another little beep, beep, it drove away, to pick up its next rider.
The building we were dropped off at was as alike to every other building around it that the only way I knew it was the right building was the big C it had in the front. I looked down the line of buildings and saw the sign with the numbers 401 written on it. Uniformity again. It was so unusual to me. Why wasn’t I use to it? Parker slid another card in the door and it swung open. We entered, he flipped on the light and, again, everything I saw was white. Wear was the color? I was wearing some, and the flowers in the planters had color but the walls were white and all the furniture was white. But not just any white, bright white. Like it was new. But Parker said we have lived here for the last four years… Everything about this place was so confusing.
Parker put his jacket up in the closet and threw himself on the couch. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I just stood there while he turned the TV on and got comfortable. Finally he noticed that I wasn’t moving and beckoned me over. “Come here, Kailyn. We can relax and see if you can remember the apartment and if you got in questions for me I’ll answer as best as I can. I know that this is a lot to take in all at once.”
“That’s for sure,” I said. I walked over and sat next to him. He wrapped his arm around me and I snuggled in. We were watching a documentary. Something to be about cells. I got distracted easily, looking around the apartment was more entertaining. I saw a picture on the bookcase, I got up and looked at it. It was a picture of Parker and I together on the top of a mountain. All of a sudden, I blacked out at the intensity of the flashbacks.
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140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
Hey there! It's Carina again for another review. :]
I'd like to start off by saying that this chapter have a whole new different atmosphere to it. The first chapter was laid-back and loose, and now the the second one is tenser and brimming with foreshadow. Although I'm not sure if this is accurate or not, I feel like I'm playing one of those mystery games where there are a bunch of clues in a locked house for escape. If that was what you wanted to accomplish, then you hit it spot on!
Next, I'd like to point out your sentence flow. I've noticed that there were a lot of places where your sentences are very short and choppy; they can definitely be combined with the previous sentences or have more detail added into it. The more detail, the better. And, in addition, your voice will be a million times better. Right now, your voice is more on the weak side because the flow of the sentences is a little awkward and choppy. I've sent some examples in the nitpick section for you.
Anyways, moving on to nitpicks, suggestions, little things that bothered me.
Blue = the things I added in or suggestions
Underline = awkward
Red = choppy sentences
Bold = contradictory. (Before, it said it took a few seconds for Kailyn to adjust to the brightness.)
Sorry for being so nitpicky. Dx
Underline = awkward
Bold = contradictory... Kailyn has amnesia, so she couldn't have known when he proposed to her.
Anyways, I think you can add more detail here.
For example, try: "' ... From a jewelry store, I guess.' His face was shadowed by the sunlight, giving me an a heavy eerie feeling knotting up in my stomach. How could he not remember where he bought the ring that he proposed to me with? Something wasn't right here, but I didn't want to believe that. Parker is my husband, and I have to trust him."
Something like that, y'know?
Should be "stripe." ...lol
Should be "steering wheel."
Make sure to stay in a uniform tense. You're in past tense, so it should be "seemed."
Underline = choppy sentences
Bold = awkward/contradictory since it was mentioned that everything was so perfect... Should it be, "I feel like nothing can go wrong"?
Anyways, try this: "I looked out the window, the sun once again brimming with blinding whiteness against my face. People passed by the car in a fast, unfocused blur; I only caught a quick glimpse of their pearly white smiles, their bright light eyes looking past me, their airy laughter, their sense of a uniform happiness. Although it was chilling to see something like this for the first time, it was also calming. At this very moment—at this very exact and precise moment in time—I felt like nothing can go wrong."
I think the second "beep" can go away. Also, the second comma isn't needed.
Run-on. Also, blue = my edits.
Should be "used."
Bold = typo; should be "where."
Underline = awkward. Try: "The walls were white, the furniture were white, and even the paintings were airbrushed in hues of white and gray. Even if this was my home, I felt terribly out of place with my dark shirt and bright denim jeans; I felt like I just entered a party I wasn't invited to, or, even worse, entered a formal party that I wasn't invited to thinking it was a costume party. Shifting uncomfortably, I noted that the room was bright and screaming new."
Something like that, maybe? I added in the whole party thing just to show that Kailyn's thoughts and expressions can still very much incorporated into the story.
This kind of bothered me a bit. Parker is her husband, so wouldn't he at least show more care for his wife that just woke up from a horrible coma? (Or...IS HE her husband? Suspense!)
Try: "Come here, Kailyn. We can relax and see if you can remember our apartment." He offered a genuine, pearly white smile that matched the walls of this place. "If you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer them to the best of my ability. I know that this is a lot to take in all at once."
Whoa, whoa. So much happened in this paragraph; heck, I'm sure you can even break it down into three paragraphs! Add details—lots of it!—and avoid rushing into things. Also, the flashback part kind of came out of nowhere. What did she see as a flashback? Elaborate before saying she blacked out.
Whew, I think that's it! I recommend reading over your work a couple times before submitting; you are, after all, your own editor.
I definitely want to finish this and read on. (So post in my wall when you have the third chapter up?)
Is Parker her husband? If not, why is he pretending to be it? Did Kailyn really fall out of her bike, or is there more to the story? What happened in Kailyn's flashbacks?
As usual, good job, and keep on writing! :}
Hey thank you again for all your nitpicks! Gosh, you make me sound like a terrible writer haha, but I know I need more improvement! I am rewriting both chapters right now to make them sound much better and all your suggestions are so helpful! Haha with the last paragraph I was just rushing to finish the chapter, and was ready to get into the exciting part! *spoiler alert* her remembering some of her past! I have been trying so hard to put in foreshadowing but not confuse the reader. It'll get more confusing! But I will explain everything in due time. Chapter three should be done in the next couple weeks. I'll be reposting chapter one and two and would love your opinion on the rewritten ones! Thanks again for being so nit picky!
I'll post on your wall the rewritten chapters and chapter three when it gets done. Oooo, almost forgot, thank you for reading, it's much appreciated!
You are NOT a terrible writer! You're talented and I see a lot of potential in you, and just the fact that you're taking the reviews positively is really good; that's exactly what writers do to improve.
(Also, I kind of went full-on nitpick here because it was Review Day then and I was trying to maximize my points, lol.) For the future, I'll try to be more "in general" and voice out other aspects such as the characters, story, tone, etc.
Ahhh, can't wait to read the next chapter!
I didn't read the first chapter, but I was already intrigued! I really enjoy your writing style. This chapter reminds me of The Hunger Games almost when you talk about the sectors and everything. The setting itself, to me, was creepy. It was weird how everything was so perfect and pristine. When you described the marble and glass building it gave me a clear visualization. I think it would be so cool to have that! But think of all the smudges you would be able to see! Then again, with this type of setting, maybe there is no such thing as dirtiness? Haha.
Thank you so much, this is an unedited draft (threw it up because review day was coming up haha) but thank you for the corrections. Um, if you look on the right sidebar in the Related Items category you should see Voices and that's the first chapter of my story:) You should most definitely check it out. You will understand my story so much more:)
"I stumbled a little with the not being able to see and Parker caught me before I could fall." I don't think this sentence needs the "the" in it. I think it flows better without it: "I stumbled a little with not being able to see and Parker caught me before I could fall" - mmm maybe not. Reading it now I like it better how you wrote it, but I'm not sure the sentence flows as well as it good. However its a fairly minor thing, I'm just nit picking XD
The chapter ends on a small cliff hanger so I want to read more! 
Well done! I like it and I wish I could have found the first chapter 
"he bought the ring he proposed with me with?" I would change "proposed with me with?" to "proposed to me with?"
"lighted up buttons" - Lit up buttons
"It seems to understand him" - You change tenses here. Should be "seemed".
"they was cool to the touch." - It was cool to the touch.
I found a few other words that were wrong, but again its more nit picking. They do need to be changed to be correct, but I don't really see anything wrong with the story itself.
Except for why she's so comfortable with Parker. Maybe in the first chapter it explains that she remembers him or has only lost four years of her life so Parker is still in it. Or maybe something like her love for him is still strong so she instantly feels comfortable around him? But I haven't read the first chapter so it may explain it there
On the whole I like it
(Realized that there was a reply button!) Thank you so much, this is an unedited draft (threw it up because review day was coming up haha) but thank you for the corrections. Um, if you look on the right sidebar in the Related Items category you should see Voices and that's the first chapter of my story:) You should most definitely check it out. You will understand my story so much more:)