Chapter one: Voices (Edited/Revised!)

by MissGamer8

Published April 27, 2013

16+

In Not Reality

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

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Chapter one: Voices

 

            Voices.

            “Do you think she’s awake?”

            “I don’t know, she has vitals.”

            “Should we slap her?”

            “I don’t think she’d appreciate that when she wakes up.”

            "Well, I suggest we wait five more minutes then we start slapping."

            “Let’s call her name first. No need to resort to violence.”

            “Kailyn? Kailyn? Can you hear us?”

            Whoever was standing over me was mad annoying. They sounded like two teenage males. I groaned, feeling numb and weak as my mind slowly started to switch gears.

Someone gasped. "She's alive! It worked!"

I heard hands connecting. Of course I'm alive, if I wasn't this was a terrible place to call heaven, heaven shouldn't involve so much pain. Every fiber in my body was protesting. I tried to lift my hand but it didn’t move. I tried to open my eyelids but the same thing happened. My whole body was paralyzed. Like I had forgotten how to move my whole body. Panicked overcame me. What was going on? Why couldn’t I move? The only parts of my body that seemed to be working right were my ears and brain. Which my ears wasn’t working too well because the supposed teenagers above me was starting to sound more like mature men. That was slightly calming.

"Can you hear us?" One of the males said.

I tried to respond, I really did try. But all that came out was another groan, but this one was higher pitch. At least it was looking like I was improving and might get out of this paralyzing state. I listened to the men discuss my semi-conscious state while I attempted to move various parts of my body with no success.

"…because her limbs might not be responding yet?" one was saying, I stopped what I was doing to listen.

            “Wouldn’t hurt,” the other said. Wait, what wouldn’t hurt? They answered my silent question by each one of them grabbing my legs. I squeal in protest.

            “We are just massaging your muscles to recirculate the blood flow. It’ll take a while but it should get your body moving,” the higher pitch of the men said, answering my squeal. They massaged, lifted, and bended my knees to get my blood pumping. I sat there waiting for something to work. I spent the time waiting trying to intake as much as I could without the ability to see. I started smelling a sharp scent of antiseptics and a slight hint of peppermint. I could hear dripping and beeping from somewhere above my head. So at least I was in a sterile place. I hope. There was no other noise though that hinted that anyone else was here except me and the two men.

            My feeling was coming back into my legs while they were massaging and I managed to move my big toe. I was ecstatic but that was short-lived when I came to realize nothing else was moving yet. They moved on from my legs and started on my hips and body. It was uncomfortable for them to be so close to my private areas but I toughed it out as there was nothing I could do about it yet. It took a full hour of massaging my whole entire body before I could lift my arm fully. By then I was so happy that I managed to open my eyelids and was blinded by the light above me.

            Now that was a bad idea. I could tell there was light from the orange tint in my eyelids but I didn't expect them to have a huge light shining right in my face. I was immediately blinded, resulting in another groan from me and being able to turn my head slightly from the light burning my retinas. A small amount of relief came when one of the males blocked the light to peer down at me.

"She's conscious," he said.

            He had blond curly hair, glasses, and was wearing a doctor's coat. Who was he and where was I?

            That was something that hadn’t come up. I had no memory of how I got here. I tried to think back, but the only thing that I could remember was waking up. I had no memory at all. My eyes widen. Who was I? I was too worried about not being able to move than about who I was. Not even the name they were saying to me sounded familiar, but in my semi-conscious state I just took it as is.

            "Kailyn? Can you talk?" the man above me asked.

            First a rasp came out. My throat was parched. I coughed and croaked out, “Water...”

            The second man not in my sight handed the man above me a cup of water and he assisted me in gulping a few swallows down before it became too much and I coughed it up. The water definitely helped clear my head and I could feel my body tingle. I sighed.

            With my head clearer I could coordinate my thoughts into movements and could sit up with little assistance. But sitting up made me lightheaded and dizzy. Whoa, what the heck knocked me out to make me paralyzed and lose my memory? I focused on the room that was painted white. There was another gurney in the room but it was unoccupied. The other man was sitting at a computer, typing away, probably filling out papers on my recovery. It was a small room; the only other thing in here was a shelf full of medical equipment. Nothing looked familiar; I don’t remember how I got in this room. Maybe they would explain further. I turned my attention the blond haired man that assisted me in sitting up and was watching me clearly.

            “My name is Dr. Robinson,” he said. “I’m from Medical Sector. We believe you have formed a sort of amnesia. You don’t know who you are, right?”

            I nodded. Amnesia made sense with the memory loss.

            “Well,” Dr. Robinson said. “Your name is Kailyn Miller from Sector Two of the Housing Sector. You have a husband named Parker. You work as an assistant for Mr. Holmes; he is the biggest name in the Law Sector. Your husband can help you with recovering the rest of your memory. He is waiting for you outside. After you have fully recovered you may return home with him. You will regain you memory; it will just take time. We would like you to come back periodically for checkups. “Well the last part of a relief.  The rest was a lot to take in. I had a husband and worked in a law office? I sure hope I regained my memory soon or else I need to get a new occupation.

            “Where am I?” I asked. “And how exactly did I get here?”

            “You’re at the Sector Hospital. You’ve been here for about two weeks,” Dr. Robinson explained. “Someone found you lying on the side of the road unconscious with a bicycle. He brought you in, and said it looked to be a hit and run. You had a severe head injury that we thought you wouldn’t be able to pull through but you managed to survive the surgery. We knew that you would have some temporary memory loss but we are sure that it’ll come back.”

So because I didn’t wear a bicycle helmet I don’t know who I am? Now I feel stupid.

They monitored my vitals for a couple more hours, asking me how I felt and doing various strength tests to see how I was progressing. They told me that I was improving drastically and would be able to go home as soon as I changed and signed my release form. I got giddy excited. The walls around here were already getting claustrophobic. I was ready to get out and meet this husband of mine and regain my memory.

“Here’s a change of clothes your husband provided,” Dr. Robinson said, handed me a bundle of clothes. “Change and I’ll come back with your release form and you can get out of here.” He smiled and walked out with the younger doctor. I took off the hospital gown and put on the plain black t-shirt and blue jeans he handed me. They fit perfectly.

Five minutes later Dr. Robinson came back and I signed the papers he handed me. I was free to go with the warning if anything unusual happened I was to come back and see him. He gave me directions to the waiting room.  I skipped out of the room into the hall then skidded to a stop. I had no idea what my husband looked like! What if I ran up and hugged the wrong man? That would be embarrassing. I took a deep breath. I guess I would have to take precautions and not just run up to him.

Two doors down from the left I found the waiting room right where Dr. Robinson said it was. I peeked in; two men were sitting in there, waiting. I didn’t recognize either of them. I walked in and they both looked up.

Parker looked to be in his late twenty, a few years older than me, with dark brown hair and dull blue eyes, looming over me but was slender and skinny, with no muscles. I knew it was him when he smiled and stood up unlike the other man who looked away when I entered. Parker looked awkward, not knowing what to do until I brought my arms up for a hug. Maybe touching him would bring back feelings. At least he was attractive, but that was all I felt. He came up and hugged me. He was warm and smelled good, but felt nothing towards him.

“Thank god you’re okay, honey,” he said in a Southern accent. His voice sounded pleasant in my ears. That was a good sign.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I said. “Exhausted though. I can’t wait to get home.” I looked up at him. His eyes had no emotion in them.

“We’ll get you home as soon as possible. The doctors told me there might be side effects from the surgery but it was only temporary. Once I get you home you should relax and familiarize yourself with our home. Things should go back to normal in time.”

“Sounds good,” I said, leaning against him. “Let’s go home.”

He squeezed me lightly. “Okay.”

He guided me through the building and out the front of the building. What I saw outside was a shock.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Carina
Review
Carina wrote a review Review · May 4, 2013

Hey, Gamer! Came back to reread what you've written, and wow, you did a phenomenal job in rewriting it! The improvement is really obvious, and frankly, I'm impressed (especially when you decided to buddy up with sensory details!). I liked how you incorporated the smells and Kailyn's temporary panic when she woke up and couldn't move anything; it makes the story pulse and come alive. Plus, the new changes made the story sounds more realistic--almost as if it can really happen to anyone. Oh boy, this just makes me excited to read the next chapter.

Which, if you're wondering, I'd actually prefer for you to go on to the next chapter with the new precautions and reviews in mind rather than go back and rewrite it again. Forcing yourself to write it never fun; only rewrite if you want to, though if you do, it will at least be better for new readers. :) But remember: you are the writer and you are in control of your story; I'm just voicing my own thoughts here, haha.

Oh, and random thought from me: what if Kailyn went out with the wrong husband?! Oh, the irony.

Keep writing, and let me know if there are any new updates!

Thank you! I really value your opinion! But with rewriting I read what you said and thought if it make sense to me. I didn't use all your suggestions but you pointed out things that I didn't see (like the sensory details) I'm a perfectionist and it bothers me when something's wrong in my story and I haven't gone back and changed it. But Chapter three will be coming soon. Hopefully by Wednesday is my goal. If I don't end up rewriting Chapter two

User avatar
Kafkaescence
Review
Kafkaescence wrote a review Review · Apr 28, 2013

1. The behavior of the doctors and was noticeably theatrical, and unrealistic. No doctor--certainly no doctor treating something as serious as amnesia--would be so lighthearted about waking a patient. It's simply unprofessional. Also, why did the narrator perceive teenagers at the beginning?

2. I suggest you conduct more research into the treatment of amnesia. The procedure for testing the narrator's neurological and physical condition upon waking seemed incredibly haphazard, and treating her even more so. Furthermore, I find it highly unlikely that the doctors would let her out and about so shortly after she awoke.

3. Her husband seems odd, but his behavior was still improbable. He knows that she has amnesia, and still forces himself on her as if expecting her to reciprocate his love. She can't, of course. More prudent would be to first introduce himself and gradually try to rekindle their romance.

Hope I helped.

-Kafka

Hey, thank you for the feedback. In this story there is a reason for everything. I will research about the treatment of amnesia. I wrote this in a seat of my pant moment and just made it up as I went. It will most definitely be rewritten. But thank you for your insight. The doctors and husband's behaviors are suppose to be odd. It will be explained more in later chapters

User avatar
Carina
Review
Carina wrote a review Review · Apr 28, 2013

Hello! I'm Carina from the Green Team.

First off, I liked your piece. It was very detailed and, at times, I really liked Kailyn's thoughts and expressions. (You did make me giggle a few times; she just seems so dorky!)

But sometimes I felt like the tone was not firm enough. Also, although it adds spice and humor into the story, sometimes Kailyn's own thoughts are out of place and random. Think of it this way: if what she's thinking is totally random and came out nowhere compared to the previous sentence, consider getting rid of it.

I also think you can add more creativiTea and feelings into your voice and tone. It's kind of hard to explain, so I'll set an example. Kailyn wakes up with amnesia, right? But before she did, she could not move her body. So, because she could not move her body, it would make sense of an overwhelming amount of feelings rushed over her. On top of that, her other senses must have sharpened because her vision is not being used. For example, my friend's dog Dusty is blind, and he's super sensitive to touch and sound. He can even hear me when I'm sneaking across the floor. So, when Kailyn's sight is temporarily not being used, her other sensed should at least sharpen by some degree.

What was she feeling when she could not move? Did she smell sterile hospital things, or did she smell something gross like the doctor's breath on her face? Was her heart beating fast and loud, or was it relaxed and calm? Was her breathing fast and in rigid clumps, or was it easy and airy with oxygen? Did she feel heavy and sluggish like an overblown balloon, or did she feel light-headed and dizzy? Were the doctors' voices shrill and far away, or was it hushed and drowsy? Was Kailyn terrified to know that she could not move her body, or was she kind of like, "Oh, okay, sure." Because to me, it kind of felt like the latter.
Remember your five senses: sight, hear, touch, taste, and smell.

Anyways, I have only a few nitpicks. (Aughh. I know, right?)

"Well we wait five more minutes then I suggest we start slapping."
Try: "Let's wait five more minutes before we start slapping."

"Let's start calling her name first. Don't need to resort to violence."
Try: "Let's start by calling her name first. No need to resort to violence."

Whoever was standing over me were mad annoying. They sounded like two teenage males. I groaned, I felt so numb and weak, my mind slowly starting its gears.
Red: these words don't match up. "Was" is single and "were" is plural. But if you stick with the "whoever," the sentence should stay single.
Underline: run-on. Try: I groaned, feeling numb and weak as my mind slowly started to switch gears.

....And that's all I have for you, lol. It's 1am here and I'm half-dead.

Anyways, overall it's a good story and I'll keep on reading.

Keep writing!

Thank you for your nip picks! :) I will certainly reread it and edit more. I always forget the smell sense... haha. But thank you for drawing my attention to that. There seems to be a lot of rewriting that I need to do, and thank you again:)

I rewrote it! Check it out and tell me what you think! :)

User avatar
GlitterGabbi
Review
GlitterGabbi wrote a review Review · Apr 27, 2013

Yay! I enjoyed reading it!

I don't really know how to write a good review since this is my second one that I am writing, but I'll try my best!

The chapter was really interesting starting with a character that had amnesia! I really like the story so far! it's very nice and I would like to read more!

The way you ended the chapter was cool! It makes readers wonder and want to read the next chapter!

I didn't really dislike anything, but I think there were some mistakes. But it's alright, I'm pretty sure they were on accident or something!

So, I hope this was a good review and I am waiting for the next chapter!



Cheat your landlord if you can and must, but do not try to shortchange the Muse. It cannot be done. You can’t fake quality any more than you can fake a good meal.
— William S. Burroughs