"Okay, Jenna, I need you to close your eyes. It will only take a few minutes to put you under." Dr. Wiken, a psychologist who worked for the police department, reached into his suitcase and pulled out a metronome, switching it on. It rocked back and forth, ticking. Jenna closed her eyes, afraid of what she would see.
"I'm going to count backwards from ten...," the man said monotonously. "Ten..."
Jenna felt her heart flutter nervously.
"Nine..."
This feeling was strange. It felt like she had been taken out of her body.
"Eight..."
Nothing. She felt nothing. She could see nothing. Jenna was nothing.
"Seven..."
There was something up ahead. Jenna's body started moving towards it and she came to recognize the large, mahogany door. It was the door to her room. Her hand turned the small, golden doorknob.
"Six..."
The man's voice was faint now. Who was the man? She couldn't seem to remember anymore. Jenna was immersed in this moment. She was in her room now. It was just as she had left it this morning. Her white sheets clothed her bed perfectly. Her redwood desk was on the right wall. Even her stuffed bear, Winsworth, was in his usual spot. Somehow, though, it seemed wrong.
Jenna crept into the hall and down the stairs. Where was everyone?
"Jenna?" A voice called out. It was really familiar.
"Bri?" Jenna whispered. It was her younger sister calling for her. She walked into the living room, but no one was there.
"Bri, Where are you?" Jenna called out. A loud, piercing crack echoed through the her house. Jenna crept quietly toward the kitchen, where the sound had originated.
Jenna filled with fear when she saw what awaited her. Bri was behind the kitchen counter, her small body was pale and crumpled around a bleeding wound in her chest. Jenna choked back a sob at the sight, picking up the 13-year-old into her arms and holding her tightly. The body was cold.
"Girly..." A deep voice called out, tauntingly. Jenna hid behind the counter, her heart almost beating out of her chest. A man walked into the kitchen. He was tall and burly, with big hands wrapped around a pistol. Blood was splattered across his chest. Out of all this though, the face was hidden from her sight.
"I know you're here, girly..." The man chuckled. "I promise not to hurt anyone else if you just come out..."
Jenna gulped down her fear. She looked around and saw a kitchen knife that Bri had apparently been holding. She grabbed it, concealing it behind her back, and stood up. Her entire body was shaking violently and she couldn't think of how to speak.
"Ah...There you are..." He said. Jenna almost screamed when she saw the face of the man. It was contorted and twisted so there was no really recognizable features. Like he had been badly burned.
"Come here..." He said, motioning toward her. Jenna backed up into the counter, shaking her head.
"I said...'Come here'..." He repeated, bringing his gun up to point at her. Jenna hesitated again, gripping the hilt of the knife so hard it felt as if her knuckles would burst through her skin.
"I'm going to count down from three and if you don't move I will kill you and the rest of your family..." The man growled. "Three..."
Jenna tried to steady herself. She glanced down at the dead Bri. He killed her...
"Two..."
Jenna felt a ferocity in her that hadn't been there before. It replaced the fear and suddenly everything became clear. There was one thing she had to do...
"On-" Before the man could finished, Jenna lurched at him, plunging the knife into his side. He yelled out in surprise and tried to grab Jenna, but she quickly pulled the knife out and stabbed it into his chest this time. The man gave a vile gurgling sound from his throat. Again and again she stabbed him, blood splattering across her face.
....
Jenna was back. Dr. Wiken had stopped the metronome, and his old face was pulled down into a frown.
"Jenna..."
She took notice of the police who must have entered the room while she was out. Her eyes dropped down to her hands and for the first time since she arrived, she took notice of the blood that stained them...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wow, this was a very mysterious piece!
Keep it up, I am following you for sure!
I was immediately drawn into it by your first few sentences , even words. The psychologist talking to her makes the reader want to know why she's there and what's she's done.
It's still a bit unclear at the end, but I think because she actually did kill someone? Perhaps make it more clear, or perhaps I'm just not getting it xD
Yet, your writing still captivated me. When the man was there and Jenna thought he'd killed her little sister, that was a powerful moment, some of your descriptions are great and very well written.
For example I really thought you'd done this one well...:
"gripping the hilt of the knife so hard it felt as if her knuckles would burst through her skin." That was a very good description, the reader could almost see it and feel it, it was that good!
I have nothing to add to those that have already nitpicked this, all I have to say it: I love it!
-CFG
Hey there MissAtomicBomb!
It was full of suspense, a bit confusing halfway through but at the end all becomes clear.
We meet again. :3
Anyways, this was another great story!
Wow, this was a bit creepy. But the good kind of creepy. :3
Anyways, there are a few mistakes I'd like to highlight:
"Wait, there was a light?"
- This sentence (I think) is grammatically incorrect. Either it should be, "Wait, was there a light?" or "Wait, is there a light?"
"There was a door, rich in a mahogany color.She reached for the door nob and pulled it open."
- First of all, you missed a space after the full stop. And it's "doorknob". 'There was a door, rich in mahogany color': this sentence doesn't seem right. You could write it as, "There was a rich mahogany colored door."
"Jenna backed up into the counter, shaking her head."
-Instead of "backed up into", it should be "backed up against."
"A loud, piercing snap sounded through the house. Jenna ran towards the sound, going into the kitchen and seeing a bleeding Bri."
- "Sounded" doesn't fit in. It should be "echoed". The second sentence doesn't sound nice at all. Try, "Jenna followed the source of the sound which led her to the kitchen where she saw a bleeding Bri."
It's a great story but the flow of words gets disrupted in places. You could try asking your parents or a friend to read it and point out the flaws. Or you could ask me.
Well done! Feel free to ask me to read anything.
Keep writing,
~ Gigi
thank you for the friendly constructive criticism! I will try fixing it and make it flow better soon!
Hi there! Lucrezia here to review.
This is a really good piece. It was creepy, suspenseful, and nicely thought out. I can't nitpick the overall storyline, because you pretty much nailed it, so I'll just point out some of the technical stuff fictional missed.
You use "Jenna" a lot here. It sounds repetitive. Don't be afraid to use pronouns! Also, the W in "where" doesn't need to be capitalized.
There's an accidental D at the end of the first "notice." And you write "she took notice" twice here. Again, repetitive. I'd change it to:
'She took notice of the police standing behind him. And for the first time since she entered the room, her eyes moved downward . . . to the blood that stained her clothes.'
Or something like that.
Anyway, besides for those little nitpicks, this is a really intriguing piece. You might want to consider continuing it. Good work!
By the end of the story, my mouth was literally hanging open in shock. Wow. Very well-written and suspenseful, and I can only imagine what happened to poor Jenna after all this... misunderstandings are cruel, aren't they? Anyway, I'd love to see a continuation of this! Though it's certainly up to you. This needs more reviews!!
A suggestion or two:
"I'm going to count backwards from ten...." The man said monotonously. "Ten..."
You don't need to capitalize "the".
~
Wait, there was a light? Jenna felt herself following it. There was a door, rich in a mahogany color.She reached for the door nob and pulled it open.
*door KNOB. Also, you forgot a space before "She".
~
In fact, you did that in a lot of places: you don't need to capitalize anything after a quotation, unless it's a name (e.g. Jenna). I hope that makes sense.
Thanks for writing!
I liked the villain you made out of the man with the twisted face it reminds me a bit of Sylar from Heroes. The way he talked and acted seemed a bit cliche to me but other than that it was pretty good. I understand this is a short story but I would have like to read more about who the man was or why he killed her sister. I really enjoyed how it leaves off with the doctor ending the metronome without giving away any future events that sparked imagination for a while.